Feeling so hurt

Hi, for decades I had this same experience on a regular basis. My dad was always saying insulting and horrible things to me. I often considered going completely no contact, and at times did this for several weeks at a time. I can relate to the feelings you describe - his cruel words to me made me feel worthless and unloved, and humiliated. My dad died earlier this year and I’ve been giving this whole thing a lot of thought since he died.

The first thing you need to remind you of is that his behaviour is entirely about his messed up psychology- it’s not because of you or anything that you do. Do your absolute best not to internalise his messed up thinking. Your dad has a dysfunctional mindset that was most probably moulded by his parents and the way they brought him up, and possibly by other life experiences he’s had to. That fact in no way excuses how he is behaving. What he’s doing is wrong - and no one has the right to verbally abuse you - no matter who they are or what they’ve been through.

It’s important that you do all you can to stop his screwed up behaviour damaging you. You can do this by having a deep understanding that this is not your fault - you could be a perfect daughter and he’d probably still treat you this way (in fact it might make him worse). He’s probably a deeply insecure man and abusing you makes him feel powerful (I think this was how it was for my dad). So you can either distance yourself from him mentally and emotionally by increasing your understanding of the psychology behind his behaviour, or you can physically distance yourself from him. It’s a matter of which strategy is going to work best for you. I know it’s not easy - I ended up still seeing my dad because I didn’t want to lose contact with my mum ( even though my relationship with her wasn’t very good either). 

I doubt your father will change. Countless times I tried to talk to my dad to try to make him see how much his behaviour hurt me in the hope that he’d change - but he never did. I even wrote him letter but he refused to read them. Ultimately your dad has deep psychological issues that are making this behaviour work for him on some level - and he is driven by that and is likely to keep being the same no matter what you say to him. So try to work out what is going to serve you best in terms of protecting yourself from his verbal abuse. But whatever you do: don’t think you deserve this, don’t let him crush your spirit and rob you of your self worth. He’s the one with the faults - and he’s inflicting them on you - and that makes him a terrible father. 

Hiya Kate! Thank you so much for the caring reassurance you have given me. My dad had a real nasty mum who was very strict and again didn’t want her own children. She actually had two miscarriages before she had my dad but both his parents were in their 40s when he was born. He claimed his parents were ay ok but others have said that his mum was really cruel, and then used religion as her excuse and expected to be forgiven. His dad was meant to be very nice though but he died about five days after I wan born so I don’t know if that can be related. 

As for distancing, well I am living alone in my own place now so I have more freedom but it’s just trying to not let him and all the other bullies crush me and my spirits. That’s the challenging part and after last week I’m seeming to be struggling with flashbacks again. He hardly ever sees me anyway and is more into work, I mean we can go months without seeing each other and not seem to care anyway and he never even wanted to be a father so he clearly never got any skills. I often think is he the reason why I don’t really feel ok to go on dates, get married etc because he never wanted that for me. I mean I’m not allowed to wear make up or jewellery because it makes me look too grown up. Let alone being guilt tripped for playing certain characters and games. I’m surprised I’m still playing what I do play. 

I just don’t understand why people have to be so cruel and get away with it. See when I was having both my adhd and autism assessments, both psychiatrists asked me if I have autism running in the family, I said not that I know of but they said it could be that my dad and his mum have autism but never got diagnosed. Even if they have then it’s still no excuse to behave that way. His mum died like 18 years ago but again I wasn’t close to her and she always favoured her great nieces over me despite the fact I was her only grandchild. Possibly due to difference in religion. 

It sounds like there are possibly issues running through the generations from what you say. But it sounds like you’re the person who is going to break the cycle - and that’s wonderful and a tribute to you as a person. You are in a position to heal generations of unhealthy behaviour - and you can do this by not repeating your father’s mistakes. I hope you don’t let him put you off forming your own relationships and possibly having children of your own if you want them. Your dad has taught you how NOT to be a parent! So you’ll do a better job than him I’m sure! I went on to marry a really kind man who was nothing at all like my father, and I now have two lovely sons who are also nothing like my dad! I feel really happy that I haven’t continued the pattern of my parents - but done things in a completely different way - my children know that they are loved, respected, valued and liked. So we can heal - it just takes time. Try to find some pity in your heart for your dad - he’s probably not a very person if he can’t express love and affection in healthy ways. Having said that don’t feel obligated to spend time with him - do what ever most helps you to be happy and feel safe. 

I’m 26 in a couple of months and I have never even been on a date. People will no doubt say I’m too old now but I just don’t have the confidence to go out and with my other mental health issues I just don’t think I could cope myself, I mean I’m constantly struggling with how I appear and I worry if I am scaring or upsetting others because of who I am and how I look. Plus I don’t want to date people I’m not really interested in or make me feel uncomfortable. If I’m honest though I find dating in early teens seems a bit too early if I’m honest but that’s just me. I remember this horrible so called PSRE teacher saying my mum was too old to be in a relationship because she had her first date at 18. But I personally found that to not be old as some people just don’t want to have dates, for me I just don’t really look for dates at the moment as I have other things but I’d welcome one if it found me lol. 

I can completely understand and even relate to your youngest about not wanting kids. I don’t want any kids either and with being the woman I’d have to do the extra hard work. See I honestly don’t know how people would enjoy that but then if you are with your special someone then maybe feelings would be different. See with never dating I guess I won’t know those feelings and I just automatically freak out because of how my dad has made me feel as well as that so called manager at my previous job. I hope this makes sense and this is just my personal feelings. But I just know I won’t have the effort and energy to raise kids and I also worry that going to schools would be very triggering for so many reasons. As I said only time can tell and I can’t predict the future. For now I’ll stick with the sims4 and tomodachi life etc lol!! 

I’m 26 in a couple of months and I have never even been on a date. People will no doubt say I’m too old now but I just don’t have the confidence to go out and with my other mental health issues I just don’t think I could cope myself, I mean I’m constantly struggling with how I appear and I worry if I am scaring or upsetting others because of who I am and how I look. Plus I don’t want to date people I’m not really interested in or make me feel uncomfortable. If I’m honest though I find dating in early teens seems a bit too early if I’m honest but that’s just me. I remember this horrible so called PSRE teacher saying my mum was too old to be in a relationship because she had her first date at 18. But I personally found that to not be old as some people just don’t want to have dates, for me I just don’t really look for dates at the moment as I have other things but I’d welcome one if it found me lol. 

I can completely understand and even relate to your youngest about not wanting kids. I don’t want any kids either and with being the woman I’d have to do the extra hard work. See I honestly don’t know how people would enjoy that but then if you are with your special someone then maybe feelings would be different. See with never dating I guess I won’t know those feelings and I just automatically freak out because of how my dad has made me feel as well as that so called manager at my previous job. I hope this makes sense and this is just my personal feelings. But I just know I won’t have the effort and energy to raise kids and I also worry that going to schools would be very triggering for so many reasons. As I said only time can tell and I can’t predict the future. For now I’ll stick with the sims4 and tomodachi life etc lol!!