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Delayed

Alien0n3arth

I have somehow delayed understanding, processing, everything delayed. As a result I very often do everything that others tell me. I do it automatically and only then it comes: no! I shouldn't habe done it! Why did I do it? Without question. It's better than in my childhood - as a kid I used to do absolutely everything that my peers told me to and they also laughed at me for this reason. Which I understood with delay. Like always. I remember my father once intervened and told me to not be so obedient to other kids. Now it's a bit better - I started understanding it by myself. But with delay. Is it typical problem here? Has anyone else this problem? How to deal? I'm being bullied at work and it's so hard I have to be prepared all tge time to deal with things that tge bully tells me to do. And I have to remind myself: don't do it! Don't do it! 

  • From what you have written delayed processing is only a problem if you keep coming up with exactly the same response in the same situation.  For me there’s a Taoist parable called Sāi Wēng Lost His Horse.  It helped me appreciate that maybe things can be seen from a different perspective which can open the possibility  of coming up with different responses than one is accustomed to making.  Well maybe anyway... :-) Best wishes to you  

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    I agree with   that a review of interactions is key, and even though I used to do that, I too have a similar problem to you. It is hard work trying to communicate with delayed thinking, and every scenario is different and an appropriate response isn’t always within my grasp.

    I used to record scenarios in written form and and make up further scenarios, as I thought it could help build new brain connections and perhaps lead to quicker and more appropriate responses in the future. I haven’t done this for a long time now, apart from once last year, but it seemed to help my communication.

    Now that I am retired, I have fewer occasions that need a good and timely response. But I still get annoyed with myself if I’ve jumped in too quickly and I haven’t responded in the way I wish I had, or somebody points out that I could have said something else, which makes me think I’ve said something inappropriate. 

    I don’t know what else can be done. I wonder if a speech and language therapist works on that sort of thing, or perhaps some other therapist. 

    I did a quick online search using ‘how to say no’ and ‘how to stall a request that needs a response’. Loads of possible responses came up, some more sensible that others, but they are too numerous to list here. The tips might give you some ideas to practise. 

    Delayed processing is horrible and it is noted on my autism assessment diagnostic report of seven months ago. I wish I had been diagnosed when I had been employed as I would have considered letting my employers know of my needs. 

  • in reply to Zowski

    Yes, but the problem remains, that I actually have to be cautious constantly to remember to react properly. And it causes me high stress and anxiety. 

  • I think Iain is right and has offered some good advice on this. I’ll be taking this on board as well as what you’re going through is something I struggle with too. I’m a people pleaser and without thinking I always say yes, even if I don’t want to do something. I’ve always been like this and it really burns me out and leads to uncomfortable situations.

    Afterwards I’m left thinking I should have said no or told them why I didn’t want to do this. One example is my sister asks me to attend her coffee mornings and I say yes but that involves a busy coffee shop, lots of people, and interacting. I always feel burned out for the rest of the day and hate on myself that I didn’t say no.

    Delayed thinking and processing is a pain and something I’m always trying to improve on but never seem to be able to do. You’re not alone in being like this.

      thanks for sharing your experiences and advice. This will be helpful to me too.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you. I think you are right, it stems from not understanding the rules… to me everyone is higher than me and I do automatically what others say. I’m officially a managers assistant, so it should be me managing there. I think I shouldn’t be there at this position. I’m inferior to others. 
    but there is one more problem. The delayed processing. It takes me more time to process it and understand that I shouldn’t do it

  • Alien0n3arth said:
    Is it typical problem here? Has anyone else this problem? How to deal?

    This for me stemmed from my lack of understanding of social rules and in trusting other people too much - it got me into problems but I learned quickly that others are not to be trusted on face value as I think you have found.

    There are degrees of where questioning them is appropriate, for example a sibling, friend or work colleague who has been troublesome before should be viewed with suspicion and only once you have processed it should you act.

    For a person you report to, eg parent, manager, police officer etc then you should generally do what they say but be willing to ask for clarification if you are not sure. They are supposed to be authority figures and in general should only ask when it is appropriate.

    I would advise taking time each day to review your interactions and think on whether the response seemed appropriate and take stock from the lessons this teaches you. Over time you can build confidence and be more willing to make fast decisions based on experience.

    It can take many years but it helps to start now.

    This was my experience and approach and it took me about 7 years to get to a "normal" level of functioning and a few years later I was able to progress to be a manager with 26 staff which was a whole new ball game of fast decision making.