Unable to think how I want

Will do 

I’ll be thinking of you and my fingers will be crossed. 

Give it your absolute all 

Aww thank you so much for those kind words. No those horrible people are out of my life now, but what they say still sticks. If I set boundaries with those horrible people they wouldn’t have it and just bully me all the more, they could dish it out but they couldn’t take it. And it breaks me knowing that a “relative” we no longer see had destroyed mine and my mums relationship and it’s so hard to move on from that as I worry something as awful as that would happen again. 

Im hoping my appointment goes well tomorrow but knowing my luck I will be shunned off and just be told it’s autism so just live with it:( easy for them to say 

I hear you loud and clear, it’s hard to enjoy your interests when someone has repeatedly told you it’s wrong or you should be ashamed. Eventually I guess you start to believe. I have always been told that my love of gaming is for children and not adults which makes me feel guilty, that makes me avoid it for some time but as always it comes back to me. 

Are these individuals still part of your life? Are they still able to influence you in a negative manner? 
My therapist is helping me introduce boundaries, it is all a bit of a mystery to me but it’s required for self defence. I’m learning to distance myself from people that cause me distress and anxiety and the ones that remain I’m learning to put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing. It is so tough when all you have ever done is unknowingly please others to the point that they take advantage of you. After many years of that it’s no wonder we are so confused as to what we actually do and don’t like. 

You do deserve to enjoy what makes you happy and comfortable, please know that it is not your fault that you are finding things challenging at the moment.

I hope you are able to get further help with any other potential conditions and hopefully then you can be heading in the right direction.

Stay safe 

Hi, sorry you have felt the same way. Yeah I do believe others have used controlling behaviour and even manipulated me to thinking that I don’t like what I used to like. I mean deep down I want to say I still like but I can’t bring myself to it as it just brings bad memories again. Now it gets to a point that I put everything I like away as I don’t feel I’m deserving of what I like and I don’t deserve to be happy and everything. Plus I was told if the characters were real they’d be disgusted to think I’m a big fan of them which really hurt. I’m self concious enough as it is but I’m even worse now. Blame these so called influencers and celebrities.

I haven’t had a therapist who is neurodivergent but a couple of therapists have suffered with anxiety, depression and even agoraphobia. I have been seeing an emdr therapist but I’m needing to save money at the moment. I have got a dr appointment tomorrow so I’m going to see if I can get a proper general assessment to see if I have any other disorders. People have suspected I could have cptsd or even a personality disorder. 

I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult.

I cannot offer any advice I’m afraid but some of what you say resonates.

Do you feel like others using controlling behaviour has eventually convinced you that you don’t like the things you perhaps used to? I have been steered in certain ways over the years and yes that does cause me guilt for enjoying what I like as I’ve perhaps been conditioned to think my interests are a selfish act…. Obviously that is not the case and our interests are an extremely important part of our regulation and what gives us pleasure. 

In terms of therapy did you use a professional who is neurodivergent themselves, or at least someone who has experience working with neurodivergent clients? 

don’t feel worthy enough

You are worthy enough 

Aww I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been bullied for how I look wherever I go. I’m unable to go outside without getting upset because I see how I am not what society expect. I mean last night I went out and I went back and burst into tears because I don’t feel worthy enough 

I was bullied throughout school & in the work place by the way I look. Name calling mainly I just no it's one of the  most horrid things people can do & it often shapes the person into what they are today. I get very emotional thinking about it. 

Aww thank you anyway

I don't have any advice myself. 

I just wanted to say 'I hear you!! 

You maybe able to find some video's etc online, or a group in your area. Assertiveness training is basically teaching you to find your voice and verbally stand up for yourself in a non aggressive, non threatening way. It's a good skill for anyone to have.

I don't know how some people can live with themselves either, my rule of behavior with others is, can I do/say that and still be able to look myself in the eye in the mirror, if I can't then I don't do or say it. Self respect and self honesty are my foundations to living well, it's not always easy and I do sometimes get it wrong. But sometimes I wonder if I have a concience that knowingly watches me do the wrong thing, just so as its got something to beat me with later.

I can also agree to that 

Looking forward to a gaming thread too. I’ve heard of the baby boomers and how they were meant to have got everything. I have an uncle who is also a boomer and he struggled to find a job in the UK so he ended up working abroad, he doesn’t own his own place either but he’s happy! Sometimes it’s good to be different as you say because I personally feel we are more normal! I just hope others realise that there are some gen z people like myself who aren’t cruel and judgemental and that. I mean I feel judged all the time and I’m always questioned as to why I haven’t got hair extensions, why won’t I get lip fillers or Botox etc, why won’t I have fake tan. I’m just not into that stuff, plus I actually think I have longer thicker hair naturally anyway. Please know I’m a nice person lol 

I will admit that I have been struggling over the past nearly 60 years and especially so the past month and past week too _ I "pulled an all nighter" as the expression has it this weekend for the first time in a long time.  Things pass - sometimes it is just really hard to let go - including to who we are and what we are when we are holding ourselves back.  Good to see the smile in your response Elfilis  Be happy -/\-  :-)

Thank you for your advice. I will admit I have been struggling over this last month and I have had a very hard weekend. I’m probably going through a bit of a rough patch again but I will consider what you have said. Thank you for replying 

My generation is called "Baby boomers" and I don't like being classed as part of that either. We're supposed to be greedy, self important high achievers who "had it all" - free university tuition, jobs for everyone, low house prices. Nobody talks about the tiny amount of university places available, the poor teaching in state schools and no support for special needs, the low wages and high cost of living, and the difficulty getting a mortgage with a need for a substantial deposit and high interest rates. I never went to university, I was never well paid, I don't own my own home and I don't drive, so I stick out amongst my peers. But I don't care. Someone has to be "different" so that they can feel "normal". I'm quite happy in my little bubble, and I'm glad I can relate to some people in other generations such as yourself.

I look forward to joining in a gaming thread with you!

They are some very good points. When I was young I would play Simpsons hit and run a lot, I mead I’d still have my tea and do my homework and sleep normally etc but I did used to get very stressed with the missions and I was (and still am) scared of the “mission failed” screen and the failure tunes that played, don’t know why lol. But as the game got harder I of course got a lot more stressed and as you say it’s no fun then. I did have like hour limits to play the game but I got so upset if I couldn’t do something on it so my parents banned me from it. I got it back at age 14 but still had the limits due to homework but now I know that if I can’t do something, just take that break. 

I must admit I don’t do audio/video gameplay online with anyone, in fact I hardly play online lol but yeah I have found when playing Mario Kart or something and I’m doing quite well (or very poorly) I get “attacked” on a racetrack which would annoy me and upset me so I gave up with that. I’ll only play with my dad lol and they can get very heated races (in a good and fun way). I tend to find I do more co op games online but say I don’t use the voice chat thing. 

I also do find that personally playing games can help me be more relaxed and help me sleep as my mind is distracted by the games as opposed to the other things upsetting me though I will make the games easier and more chill, or I’d play Animal Crossing or something. I will admit that, for other reasons, I have suffered with insomnia and do take some aids to help me get to sleep though. 

Basically the reason why I was told to not play my games was because this horrible relative who I never got alone with invited herself around to the house and I was playing a new game at the time which was different to what I played. 

My advice would be to maybe return to this post in a day or a week and reread  it and the replies you have received.   Then see whether what you think is then, and whether how you relate to the answers you have received has changed.    If it has then you have thought for yourself in the meantime.  Thinking happens even when we are not aware of it.  The bit that we are aware of is the tip of the iceberg and sometimes we can get stuck on looking at it the same way.  Best wishes Elfilis  :-)

TheCatWoman said:

I felt like I was living on the outside of my skin everything felt raw and words stung me like blown sand, everyone seemed to have a storm force aura which battered me

That is such evocative prose! I can so connect with both the meaning and feel it in my minds eye.