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Unable to think how I want

Elfilis

Long story short I’ve been bullied growing up but now I feel I have got to a point where I am unable to think for myself. For example I’m unable to have an opinion because I’m told what I think isn’t right and genuine. Also suffering with extreme guilt and shame with what I like as I was told I think I like what I like but I actually don't apparently. Now it’s like a voice in my head is nagging me all the time and I just feel so rubbish about myself and it’s leading to burnouts. When it comes to things I like, etc gaming, I keep thinking I’m not meant to enjoy them because if I’m happy then I’m weaker and also if the characters were real they would freak out seeing me and hate me. I’ve deprived myself from things that I thought made me happy and I feel rubbish and weaker. I question myself do I really like what I think I like? Tried various therapies but they don’t seem to be working and worried I’m just gonna get worse as time goes on and feel it’s too late to get better mentally. 
Hope this makes sense

Has anyone been able to relate? If so is there any advice? 

Parents

  • I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult.

    I cannot offer any advice I’m afraid but some of what you say resonates.

    Do you feel like others using controlling behaviour has eventually convinced you that you don’t like the things you perhaps used to? I have been steered in certain ways over the years and yes that does cause me guilt for enjoying what I like as I’ve perhaps been conditioned to think my interests are a selfish act…. Obviously that is not the case and our interests are an extremely important part of our regulation and what gives us pleasure. 

    In terms of therapy did you use a professional who is neurodivergent themselves, or at least someone who has experience working with neurodivergent clients? 

  • in reply to Take5

    Hi, sorry you have felt the same way. Yeah I do believe others have used controlling behaviour and even manipulated me to thinking that I don’t like what I used to like. I mean deep down I want to say I still like but I can’t bring myself to it as it just brings bad memories again. Now it gets to a point that I put everything I like away as I don’t feel I’m deserving of what I like and I don’t deserve to be happy and everything. Plus I was told if the characters were real they’d be disgusted to think I’m a big fan of them which really hurt. I’m self concious enough as it is but I’m even worse now. Blame these so called influencers and celebrities.

    I haven’t had a therapist who is neurodivergent but a couple of therapists have suffered with anxiety, depression and even agoraphobia. I have been seeing an emdr therapist but I’m needing to save money at the moment. I have got a dr appointment tomorrow so I’m going to see if I can get a proper general assessment to see if I have any other disorders. People have suspected I could have cptsd or even a personality disorder. 

Reply
  • in reply to Take5

    Hi, sorry you have felt the same way. Yeah I do believe others have used controlling behaviour and even manipulated me to thinking that I don’t like what I used to like. I mean deep down I want to say I still like but I can’t bring myself to it as it just brings bad memories again. Now it gets to a point that I put everything I like away as I don’t feel I’m deserving of what I like and I don’t deserve to be happy and everything. Plus I was told if the characters were real they’d be disgusted to think I’m a big fan of them which really hurt. I’m self concious enough as it is but I’m even worse now. Blame these so called influencers and celebrities.

    I haven’t had a therapist who is neurodivergent but a couple of therapists have suffered with anxiety, depression and even agoraphobia. I have been seeing an emdr therapist but I’m needing to save money at the moment. I have got a dr appointment tomorrow so I’m going to see if I can get a proper general assessment to see if I have any other disorders. People have suspected I could have cptsd or even a personality disorder. 

Children
  • in reply to Elfilis

    I’ll be thinking of you and my fingers will be crossed. 

    Give it your absolute all 

  • in reply to Take5

    Aww thank you so much for those kind words. No those horrible people are out of my life now, but what they say still sticks. If I set boundaries with those horrible people they wouldn’t have it and just bully me all the more, they could dish it out but they couldn’t take it. And it breaks me knowing that a “relative” we no longer see had destroyed mine and my mums relationship and it’s so hard to move on from that as I worry something as awful as that would happen again. 

    Im hoping my appointment goes well tomorrow but knowing my luck I will be shunned off and just be told it’s autism so just live with it:( easy for them to say 

  • in reply to Elfilis

    I hear you loud and clear, it’s hard to enjoy your interests when someone has repeatedly told you it’s wrong or you should be ashamed. Eventually I guess you start to believe. I have always been told that my love of gaming is for children and not adults which makes me feel guilty, that makes me avoid it for some time but as always it comes back to me. 

    Are these individuals still part of your life? Are they still able to influence you in a negative manner? 
    My therapist is helping me introduce boundaries, it is all a bit of a mystery to me but it’s required for self defence. I’m learning to distance myself from people that cause me distress and anxiety and the ones that remain I’m learning to put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing. It is so tough when all you have ever done is unknowingly please others to the point that they take advantage of you. After many years of that it’s no wonder we are so confused as to what we actually do and don’t like. 

    You do deserve to enjoy what makes you happy and comfortable, please know that it is not your fault that you are finding things challenging at the moment.

    I hope you are able to get further help with any other potential conditions and hopefully then you can be heading in the right direction.

    Stay safe