Unable to think how I want

Aww thank you so much for that. I have been discussing that I could be dealing with ptsd/cptsd and been debating about whether I should try some emdr, I don’t know if that’s the option or if need a proper diagnosis first but I’ll do my research. I’ve never heard of assertive training, is that something you can do yourself or would I have to have a therapist? I will make a note either way. Yes I defo been let down by the people who were meant to be helping me, I mean it’s like they just take advantage of the issues to make them feel better, I don’t know how people can live like that personally. I’m so sorry you have been through basically exactly the same as what I’ve been and still going through, it is so hard and say I may never fully recover either but as you say sometimes it’s best to start off small. Sending hugs 

Lotus said:

Gaming is actually good for us - it keeps our minds active

I agree that gaming is a good way to keep mentally active but there are a few caveats to consider.

1 - Gameplay that is very agressive can lead succeptable people to act agressively outside of the game. These are individuals who have difficulty in defferentiating between reality and game time.

Also where the gameplay causes an adreniline rush or where a defeat can cause an angry response, this can take some time to dissapate once gameplay stops so will be impactful where you have interactions with others soon after of if you are trying to sleep.

Some moderation on when the gaming stops and being able to transition back to reality is always healthy.

2 - Multiplayer games where you are in audio contact with other players (especially from out in the "wild") can result in insulting and goading behaviour, just because some people are a-holes when playing online and get a kick out of humiliatng others.

If you participate in this sort of gameplay then careful selection of your team mates and agreeing ground rules is a good plan - it very much depends on whether such fooling around gets to you I guess.

3 - controlling how much time you spend is a healthy approach. It is often very tempting to just have one more go at the end of level boss or carry on with a campaign until you complete it. I know I have missed a few nights sleep through this and the knock on effect on you the next day can be grim. 

Set a 2 stage alarm so you know it is soon time to stop and stick with it - that would be my approach now.

Lastly, the point of gaming is to enjoy it. Once you find it is more frustrating than satisfying is time to stop. If a game has the same effect over multiple plays then stop playing it and move on to something more fun. Life is too short to loose chunks to stuff that doesn't make our lives better.

Hiya Lotus, thank you so much for your kind words. I needed them so badly as I’ve been struggling today. Yeah well I defo don’t fit in with the norms of gen z I can tell you that and if I’m honest I actually feel ashamed to be born in the gen z era but I can’t help that and I would much rather be myself and be happy than do what others tell me to do, regardless of their age, so I just fit with “the norm”. I’m also glad to hear about gaming being good for us as I always believed that but it’s just hard to get my point across to certain people and as I said it’s easier said than done to just ignore and move on. I might start a gaming post some time actually! 

Lots of members of this forum will relate to this - there was a thread recently about bullying, which had many replies from members who had been bullied. So try to take comfort that you're not alone.

Even when people don't bully us, some of them might think our interests are a bit "weird" - for example, before I retired I could not discuss gaming with most of my colleagues as they weren't interested and it was obvious some of them thought it was a bit "inappropriate" for an older woman like me. 

However, since learning that I was on the spectrum around 9 years ago I've learned that non autistic people sometimes have difficulty in accepting what is not "the norm" for them and the groups they are in. But we all have different "norms" - for example, direct eye contact is seen as being trustworthy in our culture, while in others it can be seen as rude or challenging. So I just have different "norms" to most other adults. I personally think football is a bit childish, but I'd never be rude enough to belittle anyone who enjoys it, as that is their thing they enjoy.

There are quite a lot of members on here who enjoy gaming (including me) and being happy doesn't make you weak - if you enjoy something, that should strengthen your mental health. Gaming is actually good for us - it keeps our minds active and has been shown to help prevent Alzheimer's in older people. Why not start a thread about games you enjoy and talk about it on here, so that you can see others like the same things as you. I'm sure that you don't think others who play games are weak, so that means you're not either. And if those game characters were sentient and could talk to you, I'm sure they would thank you for bringing them to life and interacting with them - if there were no gamers, they wouldn't exist! 

I don't believe you have treatment resistant issues, I'm not sure I believe anyone does, you've certainly been let down very badly by those who are supposed to be helping you. I'd try finding one who's familiar with ND people. I used to be you, so beaten down by life the memories, the flash backs, I felt like I was living on the outside of my skin everything felt raw and words stung me like blown sand, everyone seemed to have a storm force aura which battered me. I have recovered, I'm not going to say totally, but I've been a long time in remission, I've learnt how to unwire the big red buttons that send me spiralling into PTSD, panic and not believing I can do anything right and that I must be the wrongest thing in creation. 

I wonder if you'd benefit from some assertiveness training, if can learn to assert yourself a bit better, even if its a quiet meow rather than a full on roar, then you'll have something to build on. Once you have a base, however rickety it feels you can start building out from it, building your life that you live on your terms.

Lots of love and hugs to you, I hear you and am here for you.

Hi. I must admit I get all counsellors, physiotherapist, psychologists etc all confusing. I have only been diagnosed recently and haven’t seen any sort of therapist since I must admit so at the time no one was aware I was autistic (though it was suspected) so maybe I can explain things better. I am making some quick notes on my phone so I know what to say when I see some sort of professional. 

As with what I like and don’t like, it was actually an abusing family member who started shaming me for what I like, etc films/tv shows I like, games I like, activities I like, how bad I am at stuff I create etc. when she found out I was being bullied in school my mum told her without my permission and well long story short, my mum started defending her and not me and therefore shaming me, my dad all did the same and so did the rest of the family. So yeah I guess you could say it was parental figures telling me though now they claim to have been in the wrong as a few years ago there was a big family fall out with the bullies and we don’t have anything to do with them. My problem is that because of the repetitiveness of it all I just lost trust, hope, faith in them etc. also had of course bullies from schools and other places including therapists I didn’t get along with said the same. I mean I am away from all the toxic people now but as I said it still haunts me. I will take the advice of the pros and cons but I personally feel what I like is beneficial for me. 

As for the gaming and saying about being weaker, like I said in the last paragraph just real toxic people said all that stuff and I do feel it was to undermine me and my confidence as they possibly have issues, I just don’t understand why people have to bully because I have so many issues and I would never dream of bullying someone who is vulnerable. Yes I would say they are wanting to control me and I hate to admit but I still feel they are controlling me and this is where I can’t seem to take control of myself. I am not exceeding healthy limits at all and I never was but no one believed that at the time. I always alternate my activities and go to bed at a decent time but I do feel these bullies just saw me as their prey and yeah I guess I’m just too weak still. Even if my mum realises now I still have that guilt stuck in my head and I worry I’ll have another bad experience with another therapist. I suppose I could ask my gp for recommendations. Thank you for the reply anyway and you have given some good advice.

I will add that I’ve never engaged in anything like drinking or stuff like that and I do struggle to make friends as I don’t seem to have anything in common with anyone, especially my age group. I don’t seem to understand all this gen z stuff like social media, slag phrases and weird texting etc despite being gen z myself. I don’t have any mates as I just rather be myself than be someone I’m not as masking can be a challenge

Elfilis said:

Tried various therapies but they don’t seem to be working and worried I’m just gonna get worse as time goes on and feel it’s too late to get better mentally.

Have you worked with a psychotherapist with experience in helping autists? The issues you mention would seem like their bread and butter to help you with.

Elfilis said:

Also suffering with extreme guilt and shame with what I like as I was told I think I like what I like but I actually don't apparently.

Who is telling you what you should like? Is it a parent figure?

I found it helpful to use a logical approach to understand what it is that I like around a particular subject by getting a big sheet of paper, listing out the aspects I like on a subject and then writing the positives on the left and negatives on the right, highlighting the ones I thought important and then stopping to look at the big picture at the end.

There can be subjects you like that are problematic (typically because they break some social rules) so you have to be very careful not to talk about these unless you want others to judge you. If they are legally problematic then they should be discussed only with your therapist as there is typically a good reason why they are considered bad,

Elfilis said:

When it comes to things I like, etc gaming, I keep thinking I’m not meant to enjoy them because if I’m happy then I’m weaker and also if the characters were real they would freak out seeing me and hate me.

It helps to keep in mind who says it makes you weaker. Are they saying this because they are trying to control you or are you actually exceeding healthy limits and actually making yourself weaker (eg playing to 5am then struggling to work the next day).

I do identify with some of what you say and I found developing the self confidence to say "I don't care that you don't like it" and mean it was the key to feeling free.

This was a bit of a random chat but I hope something there helps.

Ugh tell me about the kick backs. It like happens every time and I just don’t have it in me to fight back and if I try I always fail. I mean I’m away from all those bullies now but yeah it still lingers. It’s like something bad has been implanted into my mind and that bad thing has grown and keeps growing and there are multiple bad things. I have done quite a few different counselling/therapies in the past but I’ve not really got along with the therapists or if I have they have just suddenly dropped me saying they can’t help me(even when paying private) so I guess I have lost confidence there. I worry I have treatment resistant issues but I suppose that’s probably something I’d need to speak with the gp about more. Thanks for replying anyway 

I've had a lot of this stuff too, it's really hard to fight back too. I think you can tell a lot about your opinions from how people react to them, if you get told you're wrong and stupid, then the person saying this stuff knows nothing or next to nothing and are probably having a reflex "no" reaction, if they make some sort of meaningful attempt to engage with your opinion and have a conversation about it then its worth listening to and talking about.

I've found a lot of people like to have someone they can feel "better than", that they can belittle to boost their own feelings of self worth. TO be honest I just stopped engaging with such people, stopped saying anything that was going to set them off spluttering and found people who did take me seriously. I found it better to have one person I could have a proper conversation with than loads of people who shut me down everytime I opened my mouth. One ex friend asked me what I needed to know "all this stuff for" and how did I find out about it, she was a bit shocked when I said I'd watched the secret life of farm animals on bbc, but she didn't approve of me studying and stuff like that. 

I have challenged such people and I get a lot of spluttering and huffing, it's really because they feel threatened by you, what you say, what you know and understand and they fear their own ignorance and inability to articulate what they believe and think. So they belittle you, say things like "everybody" knows that, its keeps you in a nice box on a shelf. You can pop out of your box, jump off the shelf and be you, but be prepared for a lot of kickback, be very clear on what you're talking about. Maybe seek some counselling and assertiveness training?