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Unable to think how I want

Elfilis

Long story short I’ve been bullied growing up but now I feel I have got to a point where I am unable to think for myself. For example I’m unable to have an opinion because I’m told what I think isn’t right and genuine. Also suffering with extreme guilt and shame with what I like as I was told I think I like what I like but I actually don't apparently. Now it’s like a voice in my head is nagging me all the time and I just feel so rubbish about myself and it’s leading to burnouts. When it comes to things I like, etc gaming, I keep thinking I’m not meant to enjoy them because if I’m happy then I’m weaker and also if the characters were real they would freak out seeing me and hate me. I’ve deprived myself from things that I thought made me happy and I feel rubbish and weaker. I question myself do I really like what I think I like? Tried various therapies but they don’t seem to be working and worried I’m just gonna get worse as time goes on and feel it’s too late to get better mentally. 
Hope this makes sense

Has anyone been able to relate? If so is there any advice? 

Parents

  • I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult.

    I cannot offer any advice I’m afraid but some of what you say resonates.

    Do you feel like others using controlling behaviour has eventually convinced you that you don’t like the things you perhaps used to? I have been steered in certain ways over the years and yes that does cause me guilt for enjoying what I like as I’ve perhaps been conditioned to think my interests are a selfish act…. Obviously that is not the case and our interests are an extremely important part of our regulation and what gives us pleasure. 

    In terms of therapy did you use a professional who is neurodivergent themselves, or at least someone who has experience working with neurodivergent clients? 

Reply

  • I’m sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult.

    I cannot offer any advice I’m afraid but some of what you say resonates.

    Do you feel like others using controlling behaviour has eventually convinced you that you don’t like the things you perhaps used to? I have been steered in certain ways over the years and yes that does cause me guilt for enjoying what I like as I’ve perhaps been conditioned to think my interests are a selfish act…. Obviously that is not the case and our interests are an extremely important part of our regulation and what gives us pleasure. 

    In terms of therapy did you use a professional who is neurodivergent themselves, or at least someone who has experience working with neurodivergent clients? 

Children
  • in reply to Take5

    Hi, sorry you have felt the same way. Yeah I do believe others have used controlling behaviour and even manipulated me to thinking that I don’t like what I used to like. I mean deep down I want to say I still like but I can’t bring myself to it as it just brings bad memories again. Now it gets to a point that I put everything I like away as I don’t feel I’m deserving of what I like and I don’t deserve to be happy and everything. Plus I was told if the characters were real they’d be disgusted to think I’m a big fan of them which really hurt. I’m self concious enough as it is but I’m even worse now. Blame these so called influencers and celebrities.

    I haven’t had a therapist who is neurodivergent but a couple of therapists have suffered with anxiety, depression and even agoraphobia. I have been seeing an emdr therapist but I’m needing to save money at the moment. I have got a dr appointment tomorrow so I’m going to see if I can get a proper general assessment to see if I have any other disorders. People have suspected I could have cptsd or even a personality disorder.