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Understanding identity following a diagnosis

Amberet

Hi everyone,

It’s my first time posting here - it’s great to have joined the community.

I’m a 40yo woman diagnosed with ASD a month and half ago. I think I’ve always known I didn’t quite fit into a neurotypical world but it was only when my son was recently also diagnosed that it all fell into place.

I’ve masked (very effectively) all my life, and I’m finding it hard to untangle which bits of me are real and which are my mask. I’m trying really hard to be myself but honestly sometimes can’t tell who that is. I wonder if anyone else found this too and had any advice?

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and found out that I was on the spectrum about 9 years ago. Most autistic people have this issue with trying to find ourselves, it takes time. Try to work out what you do that you enjoy / feels natural, and what doesn't as a.start.

  • 52, just diagnosed with ASD - it is hard, I’ve no advice other than be kind to yourself.

    im interested though if anyone has success in engaging with an OT or other therapist to provide a sensory profile and help with advice on how to regulate, etc.

  • I was diagnosed at 59. There is a lot of material from the autistic community out there, that suggests that divesting all masking is some sort of panacea, "If you find your authentic autistic self all will be well." I found that this was meaningless for me. All humans are the product of biology and experience. For me there is no real distinction between my autism and the protective defences I have erected (masking/camouflaging) to protect myself over a lifetime of living in an allistic world. Both are equally me, and I do not trouble myself with any angst about the situation.

  • Hi, I was diagnosed a few days ago, I’m in my fifties. The assessor said I had built my world around me and done a very good job of staying under the radar.

    Masking most probably starts when we start school, I’m really  wondering how much of me is really me. Who is this person I created?

    Its like pulling a loose thread on a jumper, before you realise it, there is no jumper left.

    I’m going to start with not punishing myself so much, I’m not mad or bad. I think I need to learn, to say no.

  • in reply to Amberet

    Hello. It is normal to find it unsettling. It will take time.

    Re-evaluating the past is something I have been doing

    I'd say not to be worried about tricking people. You have done what was needed to fit in and be successful. It is what they expected. The person who has probably suffered the most is yourself. The people closest to you most likely noticed something and accept you.

    Other people can be two- faced, lie, etc., you have not done that. Your values have not really changed.

    I think l mask, some subconsciously, but it may not have been as perfect as I thought. I think I have also reduced it over the years due to age.

  • in reply to james424

    Thanks, James. It helps to know others feel this way too.

    I’m really proud to be recognised as ASD, but I’ve found it harder than I expected. I’m fortunate in that my family are supportive and my colleagues are great (though I haven’t told most of them yet), but I can’t help but feel I’ve tricked my way to where I am by not being authentically me. 

    Perhaps counselling would help. 

  • Amberet,

    I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels that way! I'm 38 and found out a couple of years ago that I had ASD. It wasn't an issue for me initially as I was in a job where actually ASD was useful and I could actually drop my man at work, then only needed it at home. Now I'm out of that job I honestly can't work out who I am and where I fit in, and to be honest I feel totally lost most of the time.

    I've sought counselling for other issues recently, but I've asked if they can put me with an ND experienced councillor in order to help me understand more about what I'm facing as the ASD forms part of what is causing my other issues. I have no other suggestions other than that, but I do absolutely understand how you feel.

    James.