relationships with neurotypicals

hi everyone, new community member here.

I would like some advice from any people in the community who have had some success with this issue.

My wife of 19 years has said she wants to leave me. Citing the usual reasons of me showing little intimacy to her and seldom wanting to do anything social related.

we have been here before, about 10 years ago. Then,as an ASD1, and after much practice, i got really quite good at understanding the needs and expectations of neurotypical females.

and we had a very fulfilling and rewarding relationship.

Only in the last 2-3 years, my efforts reduced, partly complacency, partly a bit of laziness i suppose.

My question to the community, or anyone who has had a successful formulae in these matters?

i really love my wife and will do anything to keep her, so what do people do to constantly remind themselves of the constant need to keep the considerable efforts up, ALWAYS, and not revert back?  

  • I’m happy that my husband is NT, although he does not understand many of my problems, he picks up on non verbal cues perfectly and is good at performing conversations and negotiations and it really saves me a lot of stress. I myself often can not distinguish if he is angry or sad. And I ask him the “stupid question” if he is angry. He said he has no idea what to do about this issue.
    i also force myself to reply to his “I love you” with the same. I prefer “I’m happy with you”, “I’m happy that you are here with me” but I know that I’m lucky to have someone telling me, that he loves me, so I just conform and reply with the same. Although it feels somehow weird and these words don’t truly have the power and meaning to me. Also sleeping in one bed is often challenging but I do my best to sleep with my husband at least on weekends (sensory issues) and I hate birthdays and gifts. He always wants to get me a gift, I refuse, saying that he is my gift. And then I get some piece of jewellery or cosmetics and I don’t know what to do with it. 

  • I can't give you any answers... But I can sympathise to a degree.

    I'm currently in a relationship with the most amazing person, and my ASD is causing us issues due to my being burned out. There's now a very real chance we may split up and the thought of that is making me well and truly sick to my stomach. We're not married, and haven't been together anywhere near the same length of time. But the feelings I have for her are very real and I would love to marry her. 

    I really, REALLY hope you get this sorted Andy. Best of luck!

    James.

  • Hi Andy.

    As I've hijacked a part of your thread, I just wanted to be respectful, and say, I'm sorry that you are going through this.

    I find the subject very complicated.

    I'm actually married to an allistic person, but I'd be hard put to answer this:

    a successful formulae in these matters?

    I very much agree with what Lotus has written below.

    All the very best.

  • I'm OK ish thanks L.

    I hope that life is treating you kindly.

    Thank you for the explanation.

    Yes, most things are open to interpretation (unless you are a cat, as there is no doubt that they must have ham).

    In small amounts, although my cat wouldn't agree with that last statement.

  • Hi Debbie, hope you are doing ok. I didn't know that pedantic was your middle name! 

    To me, normal is what is expected. But we now know enough to expect a small percentage of the population to be autistic. So I would say autism is not typical, but is within normal parameters for humans. But of course it's open to interpretation.

  • Be aware she may be talking to all her friends, who will be encouraging her, and imagining the great life she will have afterwards. I know this form other normi couples that have divorced .You might want to ask her if this is likely to be real. It does not always turn out like this.

    If she wants to do more social things what is stopping her now? If you split how will it be different?

    Do you suppose she may have someone else? I don't say that to sow doubt in your mind or cause trouble, but he aware. Maybe there's nothing to it 

    Autism makes people honest, truthful and trusting, but not everyone is like this 

    I can't offer much advice as I was not successful.

    I hope you find a solution that works for you.

  • autism is normal

    Well, as pedantic is my middle name, I'm not sure about that.

    People take 'normal' to mean something other than I see it as.

    I think that normal is the most typical, common thing, and autism isn't that.

    So, with regard to people, because we are a small percentage, I'd see us as outside the norm.

    Semantics I suppose.

  • You are very welcome. But please remember you are not a "non normi" - autism is normal!

    If she is not in a talking mood, perhaps you could write down what you want to say to her?

    I do.wish you lots of luck.

  • I think it happens to anyone with recognisable "problems", to change to fit in with what thier partner wants, regardless of how you feel about it. Been there done that, got the T shirt, worn it out and chucked it away. Good luck

  • Hi Lotus,

    Many,many thanks for your reply. You speak a lot of sense on this subject.

    I never really considered that angle? I think she used to make a lot of allowances, but like me, her efforts have diminished over time too?

    So I guess I feel it's up to me, as the, non normi, to put it the biggest effort.

    As you say, communication is almost certainly the answer? But I really don't think she is in any mood for dialogue at the moment! 

    Wish me luck.

    Thank you loads.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    As a woman on the spectrum, married for over 40 years to someone probably also on the spectrum, I'm going to be a bit blunt here - but I'm not trying to lay any blame, just trying to help.

    Why is it you that has to constantly think about and try to meet her needs? Does she do anything to meet yours? 

    If you don't feel up to socialising, that's because you are autistic - it's not you being deliberately difficult or trying to cause problems. Why can't she socialise with her own friends, and then have a "date night" at home with you once a week where you get a takeaway, watch a movie, or do whatever you both enjoy.

    Different needs when it comes to intimacy issues are common I think, in fact I've known menopausal women who wish their husbands would not want to be so intimate, while others continue to need it. It is a difficult thing to get matched up in a lot of relationships - for all couples, not just those where there are autistic partners.I

    Communication is the key. If you can't talk things through and find a mutually satisfactory way of living together, perhaps you could think about couples counselling?

    I wish you both well and hope things work out.