relationships with neurotypicals

Hi and welcome to the community.

As a woman on the spectrum, married for over 40 years to someone probably also on the spectrum, I'm going to be a bit blunt here - but I'm not trying to lay any blame, just trying to help.

Why is it you that has to constantly think about and try to meet her needs? Does she do anything to meet yours? 

If you don't feel up to socialising, that's because you are autistic - it's not you being deliberately difficult or trying to cause problems. Why can't she socialise with her own friends, and then have a "date night" at home with you once a week where you get a takeaway, watch a movie, or do whatever you both enjoy.

Different needs when it comes to intimacy issues are common I think, in fact I've known menopausal women who wish their husbands would not want to be so intimate, while others continue to need it. It is a difficult thing to get matched up in a lot of relationships - for all couples, not just those where there are autistic partners.I

Communication is the key. If you can't talk things through and find a mutually satisfactory way of living together, perhaps you could think about couples counselling?

I wish you both well and hope things work out.

Hi Lotus,

Many,many thanks for your reply. You speak a lot of sense on this subject.

I never really considered that angle? I think she used to make a lot of allowances, but like me, her efforts have diminished over time too?

So I guess I feel it's up to me, as the, non normi, to put it the biggest effort.

As you say, communication is almost certainly the answer? But I really don't think she is in any mood for dialogue at the moment! 

Wish me luck.

Thank you loads.

You are very welcome. But please remember you are not a "non normi" - autism is normal!

If she is not in a talking mood, perhaps you could write down what you want to say to her?

I do.wish you lots of luck.

I'm OK ish thanks L.

I hope that life is treating you kindly.

Thank you for the explanation.

Yes, most things are open to interpretation (unless you are a cat, as there is no doubt that they must have ham).

In small amounts, although my cat wouldn't agree with that last statement.

Hi Debbie, hope you are doing ok. I didn't know that pedantic was your middle name! 

To me, normal is what is expected. But we now know enough to expect a small percentage of the population to be autistic. So I would say autism is not typical, but is within normal parameters for humans. But of course it's open to interpretation.

Lotus said:

autism is normal

Well, as pedantic is my middle name, I'm not sure about that.

People take 'normal' to mean something other than I see it as.

I think that normal is the most typical, common thing, and autism isn't that.

So, with regard to people, because we are a small percentage, I'd see us as outside the norm.

Semantics I suppose.

Lotus said:

autism is normal

Well, as pedantic is my middle name, I'm not sure about that.

People take 'normal' to mean something other than I see it as.

I think that normal is the most typical, common thing, and autism isn't that.

So, with regard to people, because we are a small percentage, I'd see us as outside the norm.

Semantics I suppose.

I'm OK ish thanks L.

I hope that life is treating you kindly.

Thank you for the explanation.

Yes, most things are open to interpretation (unless you are a cat, as there is no doubt that they must have ham).

In small amounts, although my cat wouldn't agree with that last statement.

Hi Debbie, hope you are doing ok. I didn't know that pedantic was your middle name! 

To me, normal is what is expected. But we now know enough to expect a small percentage of the population to be autistic. So I would say autism is not typical, but is within normal parameters for humans. But of course it's open to interpretation.