Recently discovered ASD has Relationship issues.

Retrospective look… You could be right.

i know we don’t communicate as well as we could. I can talk about emotions but struggle to understand them. She understands them with others but struggles to talk about hers. And that’s a challenge we both need to work on.

I wouldn’t just say it’s autistic burn out. That’s certainly in there. But I have just 100% hit my limit and then I’d say that’s exacerbated/compounded the ASD burn out.

Im going to set aside some time this weekend to read in to it and see what I can do to help recover. I’ve also got some counselling lined up which will hopefully be a positive step.

We really should! But with life the way it is and companies not realising people need time to do things after work - it’s not an easy thing to achieve.

Have you considered the possibility that your partner has informed you of something they merely find to be pro tanto bad about you, as a communicator, but still finds the relationship pro toto good and wishes to continue it?

I'd advise seeking clarity on where your SO stands exactly. It might be the case that you're just suffering from something you baselessly believe to be the case when, in fact, it isn't.

5th one is hard to read and resonates with me.

We should make more friends to dodge that.

Sorry to hear how things are going for you. 

I wanted to ask if you have considered that the 'rough patch' could be Autistic Burnout?

For me, that's what I'm still piecing myself together from after almost two years. I have masked for so very long and tried to 'fit in' so much that I literally just can't any more. It has and did affect relationships, work, and so much more. 

I don't want to point to any one solution - I don't believe that there is an individual solution that works for everyone. I would however suggest taking a look at autistic burnout, and the many methods suggested for avoiding, minimising or recovering from burnout.

Perhaps even having that conversation with your partner might be the way forward. I genuinely think sometimes that those who we love need just as much education on Autism as we ourselves do.

I hope you find something that works for you.

I mask seamlessly, other than exhaustion when my socialising limits are exceeded, it does not cause me any distress. I have come to the conclusion that my masking is as much a part of me as my autism. I don't worry about it.

Since starting looking at this I have wondered if it’s a ‘mask’ issue. The worry is if that by having that mask and not realising, I’m going to cause problems down the line because now i need to see about who my actual self is. 

Masking has never been anything I’ve done consciously before, but I’d suspect given the jobs I’ve had it’s just been something I’ve done without realising. It’s how to deal with life behind the mask that’s now the key.

Oh I get what you mean about the 5 points. It just happened they resonated with me in general.

You’re right, I do need a break. I’ve been going at life hammer and tong and getting repeatedly knocked down for too long. And that will have contributed to my burn out and exacerbated everything. Thankfully I have something booked at the end of this month with my partner… If we’re still together.

Many autistic people mask/camouflage their innate behaviour in order to fit more seamlessly into allistic (non-autistic) society. Masking can, if doing it does not cause too much stress or fatigue, be helpful. It may be that you have let your mask slip and this is what your partner is reacting to.

There are various papers and books available on autistic masking/camouflaging. One of the more useful ones can be found here: journals.sagepub.com/.../13623613211026754

Be aware that my ex-partner was likely a covert narcissist and I was possibly a victim of domestic abuse. Which if I have ASD explains the confusion and long term psychological issues.

So the 5 comments may be motivated by that and may not be what would be typical. I can't tell. Just thought I should mention that before you beat yourself up over them too much.

She may have played on my fears.

By the way, this forum is public, if the user id you are using is your actual name you might want to ask the mods to change it. 

Anti- depressants may only mask the issue, the root cause is you need to push yourself less hard, or at least take a holiday or break.

A lifestyle you might be able to manage at 20 won't work as you get older. I used to do 70+ hour weeks and travel a lot, but it left nothing to have a life with. My record was 110 hrs in a week, not sure it's even legal now, I got a special bonus and an award. I needed someone to stop me working so much.

You might want to think about how you could change your circumstances in the short, medium and longer term. It depends on your priorities. Unless the Euromillions pays out, life is about compromises. Only you know what you can and can't compromise on.

Hi Bunny,

Thank you so much for all those links. I'll start going through them shortly and make some notes.

I absolutely want to give counselling a go. Like I said to Stuart below - We're not married or anything, but we've been together 3 years and I'm not willing to just give up on us. She's had her own issues with ADHD which I supported her through - thankfully there's a lot more that can be done there, and a lot quicker it would seem.

I've emailed my GP and asked about the RTC. I know when I was originally taken on board by CLAS for formal assessment they said the RTC pathway was closed, but that was over a year ago. Hopefully the GP can suggest something there.

Thanks for the pointers.

James.

Thanks for opening up like that. A lot of what you have said has really resonated with me.

Stress has really led me to burn out. I had a total and utter shed collapse a few weeks ago and I came within seconds of not being here. Thankfully my Mum called at exactly the right time and I lost the impetus to go through with it. Thank heavens for that. But I know that between the strains I'm under currently, some of which have been caused by ASD (which I didn't know I had when all this started), and some of which are exacerbating the condition - I know I have a hard road to hoe to get myself back on a level playing field. I've swallowed some pride and started on anti-depressants to give me a fighting chance of keeping going whilst my counselling starts in a few weeks.

When it comes to actually having the ASD, the way I chose to look at it is 'it's not going to kill me or hurt me'. I know there's nothing can be done with it, it's managing it that's the key. But there seems to be that much conflicting information out there that I don't know what's reliable and what isn't. And thats what I really need - An educated input on it to tell me what's what. But like you say, it's far too subjective an issue for such a simple input.

I get what you're saying about how you handled your burn out. I've finally admitted I'm depressed and even saying it hurt like heck, but was equally a weight off my shoulders. All of my issues are circumstantial - Job related, where I live, and some stuff thats happened over the last few months. I know that when things settle down again, when I re-discover my identity, and get over this existential crisis I'm having, I'll be much better able to handle lifes challenges and the ASD issues that I have will just become a background nuisance rather than something that keeps tripping me up. And in my relationship I've gone the other way - I've certainly become over attentive to the point of clingy. But that's down to mistakes in a previous relationship (for which I'll never forgive myself for), and also because I have nothing else to focus on but work and my partner. Sadly my job prevents me from having any down time between 12 to 13 hour days, an hour commute either way, and 60+ hours a week, I have neither the time nor the energy to put in to a hobby. I have to be in bed by about 9 at the latest to get up at 03:30 some days. And that's also causing me no end of stress. And the cycle continues - Get stressed, ASD issues raised their head, I get pushed toward burn out, I upset someone, which stresses me out, which makes the ASD issues raise up, rinse and repeat.

I'm certainly going to look up the autistic love languages, that sounds like it may help. And absolutely going to suggest relationship counsellor. Don't get me wrong, we're not married or even living together. But we've been together 3 years and I'd marry her tomorrow if the chance came up! So counselling is certainly something I'd give a try.

And just looking at the 5 things you've shared that she said about you, I respond to those with my own thoughts on your points because they strike a chord with me:

1. I do need someone. I got married at 22 and stuck with her for 12 years despite abuse and alcohol issues on her part. So I'm not a person who likes being on my own.

2. I'm worried that that's where I'm heading. Maybe to a lesser extent because I've been going through hell since I've been with her, so my mask may already have slipped a little. But how far I don't know.

3. Until the last couple of years I would have said that was me too. The typical 'alpha male' type (I hate that cliche!) - ex forces, was a cop, and had worked of the ambulance service... "Nothing can bother me". How wrong I was. I was well and truly shown that the stress bucket can only get so full before you have to do something about it.

4. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I'd truly laughed in months. Then I went to see my other half and there was a row because of her kid. And now I'm back to feeling like ass and not being able to see the light.

5. That worries me too bud. More than I care to think.

Thanks again Stuart.

James.

james424 said:

Have hit a rough patch in life and ASD traits seem to be getting worse (I know stress can exacerbate ASD issues).

Finally, in respect of this, you might find these NAS resources helpful, including the strategies suggested in the first one:

NAS - Autistic fatigue and burnout

NAS - Meltdowns

There's also some great (free) advice here from Dr Megan Neff - a neurodivergent author (who's also a clinician and advocate):

Autistic Burnout Recovery: How to Build a Recovery Plan

I've also just bought this new book of hers. It covers the subject in much greater detail, whilst remaining very user-friendly (including lots of diagrams and worksheets, for example):

The Autistic Burnout Workbook: Your Guide to Your Personal Recovery Plan

Hi and welcome to the community.

james424 said:

can anyone point me in a good and reputable source of information or point of contact I can speak to in order to understand ASD and how I can be more aware of stuff

In respect of learning more about autism, I suggest starting here; this top-level overview also includes links to other articles that go into much more detail about various aspects:

NAS - What is autism?

In respect of your relationship, you might find this book helpful. It focuses on helping couples - in which one partner is autistic and the other isn’t - to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the couple around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which person is autistic this time?" But I still felt that the benefits from the book were very worthwhile. 

The NAS also has some related advice here:

Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

You could also consider couples counselling led by a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.

james424 said:

Not officially diagnosed due to waiting assessment

In respect of your pending assessment, if you live in England and are currently on the NHS's own waiting list, then you might like to ask your GP about re-referring you using the Right to Choose pathway (RTC), which you are entitled to use instead if you wish. In England (only), this enables access to certain, approved, private autism assessment providers who typically have much shorter waiting lists than the NHS, but with your referral and assessment still fully funded by the NHS. 

I was on an NHS waiting list for two years before I learned about RTC and switched to it (on the recommendation of an NHS psychiatrist). My assessment and diagnosis hen followed around just four months later.

Some examples of RTC providers are listed here, along with some further explanation. More information:

NAS - How to request an autism assessment

I don't think you'll find a simple single source, because everyone is different. It is why there are endless books, YouTube videos, articles and counsellors related to relationships generally.

No two autistic people are the same and the dynamics in relationships depend on both partners.

The key is open and honest communication and a willingness to compromise by both parties. If only one side compromises you can end up with an unbalanced or exploitative arrangement that will breed resentment.

You've already done better than I did in that you're prepared to accept you may have ASD, are not too stubborn, accept there is an issue and you haven't reached the point where you want to escape.

Stress can lead you to getting closer to burnout. In my case I  became more depressed, more fixated on certain things, more focussed on the negative items and less able to see the positive, had less capacity and ability to address day to day items, became more rigid and more closed in my thinking, I struggled to sleep more and became more sleep deprived, and wanted to drink more. I did not know what was wrong.

I did not want to go to relationship counselling as I thought it was no-one else's business. This was a big mistake. I could not talk openly, I gave too much and pushed myself too hard, we grew apart. I needed space to think and recover, but did not understand why. The risk is appearing cold and distant because of this, which is what she interpreted it as. She wanted to be closer and support me, I wanted to be left alone. I didn't know why I was depressed and needed space, I thought it was her. It is possible in my case it was all a huge misunderstanding (it traumatized me and I have been alone for a long time now, I couldn't process it properly till the last few months).

(We also had other issues and ended up in a codependency that was a bit isolated a d dysfunctional.)

There are differences in terms of love languages, which are the little cues you pick up on and the things you do to show affection.

You can Google autistic love languages and it will come up with some items that will help.

Do the same in YouTube and you will find useful videos. If  something resonates you can then look for similar stuff.

If you find things that you identify with, show them to your partner and talk through the topics. I wish I had done this but none of it was available and attitudes were different.

There may also be some books on relationship issues between ND and NT people. But as people are different there is not going to be a simple answer.

I suppose I should also say don't assume you are always wrong. Try to use other people as sounding boards, if you have people you can talk openly to without dying of embarrassment.

Don't get too paranoid and totally change either as you won't be the person she was attracted to. This is where you really have to talk about what each person is looking for. If it is a struggle or you get stuck use a 3rd party counsellor

I'll also share the 5 things she said that have haunted me for years:

1. You don't need anyone (because I needed space to recover, but was also too stubborn and closed, but I did need her)

2. I don't know you (because I dropped all masking and autistic traits became more obvious due to stress and depression, but she knew me better than I knew myself)

3. You won't help yourself (true, hyper independence, perhaps from childhood issues, I don't understand this one yet)

4. You never laugh (I was depressed from pressure)

5. You will be old and lonely (the one I have been in denial about).

Good luck.