Recently discovered ASD has Relationship issues.

I don't think you'll find a simple single source, because everyone is different. It is why there are endless books, YouTube videos, articles and counsellors related to relationships generally.

No two autistic people are the same and the dynamics in relationships depend on both partners.

The key is open and honest communication and a willingness to compromise by both parties. If only one side compromises you can end up with an unbalanced or exploitative arrangement that will breed resentment.

You've already done better than I did in that you're prepared to accept you may have ASD, are not too stubborn, accept there is an issue and you haven't reached the point where you want to escape.

Stress can lead you to getting closer to burnout. In my case I  became more depressed, more fixated on certain things, more focussed on the negative items and less able to see the positive, had less capacity and ability to address day to day items, became more rigid and more closed in my thinking, I struggled to sleep more and became more sleep deprived, and wanted to drink more. I did not know what was wrong.

I did not want to go to relationship counselling as I thought it was no-one else's business. This was a big mistake. I could not talk openly, I gave too much and pushed myself too hard, we grew apart. I needed space to think and recover, but did not understand why. The risk is appearing cold and distant because of this, which is what she interpreted it as. She wanted to be closer and support me, I wanted to be left alone. I didn't know why I was depressed and needed space, I thought it was her. It is possible in my case it was all a huge misunderstanding (it traumatized me and I have been alone for a long time now, I couldn't process it properly till the last few months).

(We also had other issues and ended up in a codependency that was a bit isolated a d dysfunctional.)

There are differences in terms of love languages, which are the little cues you pick up on and the things you do to show affection.

You can Google autistic love languages and it will come up with some items that will help.

Do the same in YouTube and you will find useful videos. If  something resonates you can then look for similar stuff.

If you find things that you identify with, show them to your partner and talk through the topics. I wish I had done this but none of it was available and attitudes were different.

There may also be some books on relationship issues between ND and NT people. But as people are different there is not going to be a simple answer.

I suppose I should also say don't assume you are always wrong. Try to use other people as sounding boards, if you have people you can talk openly to without dying of embarrassment.

Don't get too paranoid and totally change either as you won't be the person she was attracted to. This is where you really have to talk about what each person is looking for. If it is a struggle or you get stuck use a 3rd party counsellor

I'll also share the 5 things she said that have haunted me for years:

1. You don't need anyone (because I needed space to recover, but was also too stubborn and closed, but I did need her)

2. I don't know you (because I dropped all masking and autistic traits became more obvious due to stress and depression, but she knew me better than I knew myself)

3. You won't help yourself (true, hyper independence, perhaps from childhood issues, I don't understand this one yet)

4. You never laugh (I was depressed from pressure)

5. You will be old and lonely (the one I have been in denial about).

Good luck.

Thanks for opening up like that. A lot of what you have said has really resonated with me.

Stress has really led me to burn out. I had a total and utter shed collapse a few weeks ago and I came within seconds of not being here. Thankfully my Mum called at exactly the right time and I lost the impetus to go through with it. Thank heavens for that. But I know that between the strains I'm under currently, some of which have been caused by ASD (which I didn't know I had when all this started), and some of which are exacerbating the condition - I know I have a hard road to hoe to get myself back on a level playing field. I've swallowed some pride and started on anti-depressants to give me a fighting chance of keeping going whilst my counselling starts in a few weeks.

When it comes to actually having the ASD, the way I chose to look at it is 'it's not going to kill me or hurt me'. I know there's nothing can be done with it, it's managing it that's the key. But there seems to be that much conflicting information out there that I don't know what's reliable and what isn't. And thats what I really need - An educated input on it to tell me what's what. But like you say, it's far too subjective an issue for such a simple input.

I get what you're saying about how you handled your burn out. I've finally admitted I'm depressed and even saying it hurt like heck, but was equally a weight off my shoulders. All of my issues are circumstantial - Job related, where I live, and some stuff thats happened over the last few months. I know that when things settle down again, when I re-discover my identity, and get over this existential crisis I'm having, I'll be much better able to handle lifes challenges and the ASD issues that I have will just become a background nuisance rather than something that keeps tripping me up. And in my relationship I've gone the other way - I've certainly become over attentive to the point of clingy. But that's down to mistakes in a previous relationship (for which I'll never forgive myself for), and also because I have nothing else to focus on but work and my partner. Sadly my job prevents me from having any down time between 12 to 13 hour days, an hour commute either way, and 60+ hours a week, I have neither the time nor the energy to put in to a hobby. I have to be in bed by about 9 at the latest to get up at 03:30 some days. And that's also causing me no end of stress. And the cycle continues - Get stressed, ASD issues raised their head, I get pushed toward burn out, I upset someone, which stresses me out, which makes the ASD issues raise up, rinse and repeat.

I'm certainly going to look up the autistic love languages, that sounds like it may help. And absolutely going to suggest relationship counsellor. Don't get me wrong, we're not married or even living together. But we've been together 3 years and I'd marry her tomorrow if the chance came up! So counselling is certainly something I'd give a try.

And just looking at the 5 things you've shared that she said about you, I respond to those with my own thoughts on your points because they strike a chord with me:

1. I do need someone. I got married at 22 and stuck with her for 12 years despite abuse and alcohol issues on her part. So I'm not a person who likes being on my own.

2. I'm worried that that's where I'm heading. Maybe to a lesser extent because I've been going through hell since I've been with her, so my mask may already have slipped a little. But how far I don't know.

3. Until the last couple of years I would have said that was me too. The typical 'alpha male' type (I hate that cliche!) - ex forces, was a cop, and had worked of the ambulance service... "Nothing can bother me". How wrong I was. I was well and truly shown that the stress bucket can only get so full before you have to do something about it.

4. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I'd truly laughed in months. Then I went to see my other half and there was a row because of her kid. And now I'm back to feeling like ass and not being able to see the light.

5. That worries me too bud. More than I care to think.

Thanks again Stuart.

James.

Thanks for opening up like that. A lot of what you have said has really resonated with me.

Stress has really led me to burn out. I had a total and utter shed collapse a few weeks ago and I came within seconds of not being here. Thankfully my Mum called at exactly the right time and I lost the impetus to go through with it. Thank heavens for that. But I know that between the strains I'm under currently, some of which have been caused by ASD (which I didn't know I had when all this started), and some of which are exacerbating the condition - I know I have a hard road to hoe to get myself back on a level playing field. I've swallowed some pride and started on anti-depressants to give me a fighting chance of keeping going whilst my counselling starts in a few weeks.

When it comes to actually having the ASD, the way I chose to look at it is 'it's not going to kill me or hurt me'. I know there's nothing can be done with it, it's managing it that's the key. But there seems to be that much conflicting information out there that I don't know what's reliable and what isn't. And thats what I really need - An educated input on it to tell me what's what. But like you say, it's far too subjective an issue for such a simple input.

I get what you're saying about how you handled your burn out. I've finally admitted I'm depressed and even saying it hurt like heck, but was equally a weight off my shoulders. All of my issues are circumstantial - Job related, where I live, and some stuff thats happened over the last few months. I know that when things settle down again, when I re-discover my identity, and get over this existential crisis I'm having, I'll be much better able to handle lifes challenges and the ASD issues that I have will just become a background nuisance rather than something that keeps tripping me up. And in my relationship I've gone the other way - I've certainly become over attentive to the point of clingy. But that's down to mistakes in a previous relationship (for which I'll never forgive myself for), and also because I have nothing else to focus on but work and my partner. Sadly my job prevents me from having any down time between 12 to 13 hour days, an hour commute either way, and 60+ hours a week, I have neither the time nor the energy to put in to a hobby. I have to be in bed by about 9 at the latest to get up at 03:30 some days. And that's also causing me no end of stress. And the cycle continues - Get stressed, ASD issues raised their head, I get pushed toward burn out, I upset someone, which stresses me out, which makes the ASD issues raise up, rinse and repeat.

I'm certainly going to look up the autistic love languages, that sounds like it may help. And absolutely going to suggest relationship counsellor. Don't get me wrong, we're not married or even living together. But we've been together 3 years and I'd marry her tomorrow if the chance came up! So counselling is certainly something I'd give a try.

And just looking at the 5 things you've shared that she said about you, I respond to those with my own thoughts on your points because they strike a chord with me:

1. I do need someone. I got married at 22 and stuck with her for 12 years despite abuse and alcohol issues on her part. So I'm not a person who likes being on my own.

2. I'm worried that that's where I'm heading. Maybe to a lesser extent because I've been going through hell since I've been with her, so my mask may already have slipped a little. But how far I don't know.

3. Until the last couple of years I would have said that was me too. The typical 'alpha male' type (I hate that cliche!) - ex forces, was a cop, and had worked of the ambulance service... "Nothing can bother me". How wrong I was. I was well and truly shown that the stress bucket can only get so full before you have to do something about it.

4. Yesterday afternoon was the first time I'd truly laughed in months. Then I went to see my other half and there was a row because of her kid. And now I'm back to feeling like ass and not being able to see the light.

5. That worries me too bud. More than I care to think.

Thanks again Stuart.

James.

Oh I get what you mean about the 5 points. It just happened they resonated with me in general.

You’re right, I do need a break. I’ve been going at life hammer and tong and getting repeatedly knocked down for too long. And that will have contributed to my burn out and exacerbated everything. Thankfully I have something booked at the end of this month with my partner… If we’re still together.

Be aware that my ex-partner was likely a covert narcissist and I was possibly a victim of domestic abuse. Which if I have ASD explains the confusion and long term psychological issues.

So the 5 comments may be motivated by that and may not be what would be typical. I can't tell. Just thought I should mention that before you beat yourself up over them too much.

She may have played on my fears.

By the way, this forum is public, if the user id you are using is your actual name you might want to ask the mods to change it. 

Anti- depressants may only mask the issue, the root cause is you need to push yourself less hard, or at least take a holiday or break.

A lifestyle you might be able to manage at 20 won't work as you get older. I used to do 70+ hour weeks and travel a lot, but it left nothing to have a life with. My record was 110 hrs in a week, not sure it's even legal now, I got a special bonus and an award. I needed someone to stop me working so much.

You might want to think about how you could change your circumstances in the short, medium and longer term. It depends on your priorities. Unless the Euromillions pays out, life is about compromises. Only you know what you can and can't compromise on.