Letting go of being told I am not normal.

I've posted this in my other thread, so sorry if this is against the rules. But I woke up at 4.30am thinking that this was still hurting.

Yesterday, in response to coming out as Autistic, I was told "well, not everyone is normal"

I'm really trying to get my head around this, because of course being autistic, for the life of me, I don't know if they mean that:

1. It is okay to not be normal

2. It is not okay to be not normal

3. Being normal is on a spectrum

4. Being not normal makes me a lesser person.

So, please help me understand.

I'm going to ask the advice of a neurotypical colleague of what was meant by this response. Because it is hurting still.

I mean I know I am not normal. I know I am weird (a comment from Wednesday). But I have a lifetime of this trauma to try and cope with.

I don't know whether I should call it out, feel hurt, feel angry or feel like I am 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. (Do love a good metaphor Rolling eyes) I want to improve how we are viewed in the world, but maybe like my husband advised me: I should not come out as Autistic, because it will come at too great a personal cost.

Yours, feeling sad.

Mrs Snooks

  • Another good way to look at it.

  • It's sometimes normal to not be normal.

  • That was really awful of this person! What "not being normal" means? Being different from the majority of people? Well, ok! If the majority likes to talk to others like that, making them feel bad instead of supporting them, then yes! I am different and I want to be! 

    I'm really sorry that you had to deal with a reaction like this one, when you were so vulnerable trying to share your diagnosis. Don't let this experience affect your decision to come out as autistic. Those who really value you, and are nice people, will not react like this. And those are the ones you need in your life anyway! Blush

  • Thanks  This is my song for this afternoon.

  • Yes, I think that is a real issue I have;  working out who and when it is not someone who means to be malicious or disrespectful. I'm so totally unable to read someone. So very vulnerable to potential abuse but also not able to feel safe when they are not someone who is out to hurt me. 

    Thank you for the superb response advice. Grin

  •  Thank you so much for your reply. That means so much to me. 

  • Haha! That’s a great way of considering it. We were born to be different; in looks, personality, mental and physical preferences and abilities, and in the ways our brains are wired. Yet some people are ‘normal’? I don’t think so.

  •  Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I like non-autistic too. Slight smile

  • I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

    I interpret that comment as ‘the majority of people are normal’, as in they don’t have a disability or a deficit or a disorder or whatever ghastly terminology the other person might be thinking of. It is impossible to know what they believe autism to be, and impossible to know unless they can elaborate and be specific about the definition. It is saying ‘some people are not normal’, as in ‘you are not normal’. 

    I could be misunderstanding the intention of the person as some people say things that don’t convey their intended meaning.

    I have never believed in "normal". It's why I dislike the "neruotypical" term as I believe it has similar conotations.

    There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ person. It is why I too dislike the term ‘neurotypical’ and tend to use ‘non autistic’ instead, as it is more specific and it feels less negative.

    I know that many non autistic people dislike the term ‘normal’, even when not in the context of talking about autistic people. Sadly, others toss the word around.

    Your personhood is valuable and is worth much more than someone’s throwaway and ill considered remark.

  • You're right, as humans we are typically social creatures and want to feel accepted and viewed positively by others. It's very hard to just switch that off. 

    However, I suppose what we can do is work on how heavily we value the opinions of others vs our own self evaluations. And then if there's something we don't like about ourselves  that others also point out (this tends to be what hurts us the most really), we have the choice to either try and change that thing about ourselves or work on accepting ourselves for who we are. Both take time!

    Saying that, i would argue that it's only helpful to try to work on changing things about ourselves that cause harm to others or ourselves in some way. And that change also has to has to start with some self acceptance anyway. 

    Masking, on the other hand, while helpful at times, can cause us more problems than if we were just able to be ourselves. 

  • Right? Who wants to be normal anyway? Smile 

  • Ignore that person and carry on just as you are, being genuinely you, you can't please all the people all the time, but would you really want to? I think those sorts of comment are like being slapped in the face by a wet lettuce. My respeonse to a comment like the one you were given, would be, 'well thak the Gods for that, at least I'm not boring'

  • I have never believed in "normal". It's why I dislike the "neruotypical" term as I believe it has similar conotations. I believe everyone is different in their own way, and that is a good thing. However, it was well described to me once that terms like "neurotypical" and "neurodiverse" help people to understand/describe differences and put in place better support. Overall, it's probably net positive to use them. I expect "normal" is often used in place of "neurotypical" by those less informed on the subject. I think it's always good to remember people are (mostly) not trying to be malicious or disrespectful, they just don't know better.

    I'm still awaiting assessment so always unsure about describing things about me as fixations and special interests, but my personal experiences are that I've been able to use my passions about various things to improve things for myself and others, keep people aligned to values, and even provide essential support to a close friend when others were too busy thinking about themselves. If someone tells me I'm not normal, I'm taking it as a compliment. There's a lot I haven't figured out, but I generally know who I am, and I'm very happy with that.

    It doesn't need to be that extreme. I expect many with Autism use it to their advantage in some way. I know people with autism who are extremely skilled at what they do, and some I suspect might be autistic that are extremely loyal and trusted friends.

    So embrace what makes you different. Then if you really want to confuse people, if someone says you're not normal, just say "Thanks!" Joy

  • I can only repeat, “what is normal?” If normal is having a mind that can’t think ‘diagonally’, then I will leave normal alone to the ‘normal’ people.

    Normal is how neurotypical people want to be perceived by each other. Who says it is actually normal? It’s rules that they use, they must conform to. We just  have a different approach, yes most autistic people do  enjoy structure but are also amazingly different.
    Next time someone says,” you’re not normal,” say inside your head or out loud, “that’s right, I’m uniquely different, you can only ever be normal.” 

    Autism does bring with it many struggles but I’m growing to love not being normal, I find normal boring!

    Only my opinion, I think you have realised how exhausting masking is, you are most probably starting to exhibit your true brilliant autistic self.

    I’ve used the ‘Ugly Duckling’ story before, no you aren’t a duck, it turns out you are a majestic swan, now go and be a swan. The rest of the pond will always just be ducks.

  • smiling face with tear Thank you for caring. xx

  • I love that! Relaxed

  • I'm so sorry you were on the receiving end of that. It's like when someone says they're sorry to hear you're autistic - not helpful and not what you want to hear. Sadly there's not a lot of understanding when it comes to autism.

    You are normal - there's no such thing as normal, just varying degrees of different. And that's not a bad thing. I hope one day autism will be better understood and recognised by the population.

    I hope you feel a bit brighter now. You are amongst kindred spirits here :)

  • I am just like that White_Dragon. I still care. And that is I find really hard for me to let go of!

  • Agree with what you and O&U saying from a logical perspective but in my case I cannot help but care what people say and think. I wish I didn’t would be a lot easier if that was the case. My experience has been limiting any potential issue with others through masking. I know that’s not a positive approach…..

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