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Letting go of being told I am not normal.

mrs.snooks

I've posted this in my other thread, so sorry if this is against the rules. But I woke up at 4.30am thinking that this was still hurting.

Yesterday, in response to coming out as Autistic, I was told "well, not everyone is normal"

I'm really trying to get my head around this, because of course being autistic, for the life of me, I don't know if they mean that:

1. It is okay to not be normal

2. It is not okay to be not normal

3. Being normal is on a spectrum

4. Being not normal makes me a lesser person.

So, please help me understand.

I'm going to ask the advice of a neurotypical colleague of what was meant by this response. Because it is hurting still.

I mean I know I am not normal. I know I am weird (a comment from Wednesday). But I have a lifetime of this trauma to try and cope with.

I don't know whether I should call it out, feel hurt, feel angry or feel like I am 'making a mountain out of a molehill'. (Do love a good metaphor Rolling eyes) I want to improve how we are viewed in the world, but maybe like my husband advised me: I should not come out as Autistic, because it will come at too great a personal cost.

Yours, feeling sad.

Mrs Snooks

Parents

  • You are not defined by anyone but yourself. Most autistic people spend huge amounts of energy scanning others and then trying to behave as like them as they can. It is a social survival strategy. If you come to the conclusion that what you think and feel is more valid for you than what others think and feel about you, things get a lot easier.

    I found that as I got older I became less and less bothered about what other people thought about me. I suspect it is a natural outcome of increasing maturity and confidence.

  • in reply to Martin

    Agree with what you and O&U saying from a logical perspective but in my case I cannot help but care what people say and think. I wish I didn’t would be a lot easier if that was the case. My experience has been limiting any potential issue with others through masking. I know that’s not a positive approach…..

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  • in reply to Martin

    Agree with what you and O&U saying from a logical perspective but in my case I cannot help but care what people say and think. I wish I didn’t would be a lot easier if that was the case. My experience has been limiting any potential issue with others through masking. I know that’s not a positive approach…..

Children
  • in reply to White_Dragon

    You're right, as humans we are typically social creatures and want to feel accepted and viewed positively by others. It's very hard to just switch that off. 

    However, I suppose what we can do is work on how heavily we value the opinions of others vs our own self evaluations. And then if there's something we don't like about ourselves  that others also point out (this tends to be what hurts us the most really), we have the choice to either try and change that thing about ourselves or work on accepting ourselves for who we are. Both take time!

    Saying that, i would argue that it's only helpful to try to work on changing things about ourselves that cause harm to others or ourselves in some way. And that change also has to has to start with some self acceptance anyway. 

    Masking, on the other hand, while helpful at times, can cause us more problems than if we were just able to be ourselves. 

  • in reply to White_Dragon

    I am just like that White_Dragon. I still care. And that is I find really hard for me to let go of!