Feel like such a failure

I'm in the exact same situation.  I've always felt unworthy of finding a lady, mostly because neurodivergents who we can click with are rare, and neurotypicals are often ignorant and shallow, in this context.  The increasing surveillance, apathy and denial of wanting to break free or to connect with others makes life horrendous, my body is burning out from the stress.

Hey Jax, I also agree with what others are saying about not comparing yourself to others. 

I truly believe that we were not meant to work like we do now. Our society is obsessed with productivity, money and materialism, but it's only like that because people decided that was supposedly important. But it isn't..  what is most important is happiness - both yours and the people closest to you. 

I know a lot of people who are living with their parents, both people who work and people who don't. Living with parents is becoming increasingly common with the cost of living anyway. It's not a bad thing - who decided that 'success' meant moving away from your parents? It's also a cultural thing, many cultures have multi generational living arrangements.. why not? It makes sense for a lot of reasons. I'm living with parents at the moment and I personally can't wait to get my own space back lol but everyone is different! So living arrangements are different, too. 

It can be nice to be involved in community and activities that you're interested in though. I know people who go to a local allotment or gardening group and the food they grow feeds people who need it. So, if you're wanting to be involved in something, why not look into things like that? (You may not like gardening, but that is just an example! There are other things like arts, animal care, nature based groups etc). 

Thank you for updating us - I'm very pleased to hear that.

Dear all you kind people. Thank you so much for all your kind words and support, it was extremely good of you, and these are acts I will not forget. Your words were helpful to me and it’s more than I deserve, but, I am grateful. It really helped me pick myself up again when I had been down for so long. I feel perhaps putting myself under too much pressure to get better and do things was a big problem here, something I have done before. I know pressure affects me greatly – and yet I continue to pressurise myself!! – I find it so complex how the human mind can be and often is so self destructive in different ways.

The last couple of weeks have been hard but there has been a significant change in my life. It feels more positive, nothing major, but I have taken very small steps to make very small changes in my life. I hope they are changes for the better. Rather than sitting in and being depressed all the time I have got myself outside, in the garden, and taking walks first thing in the morning. At first I was completely anxious and had a few meltdowns during and after the fact but now it feels a lot better when I go out.

I have to force myself to go out every time. I always feel I have zero ambition but I make myself do it, and nine times out of ten I feel better for doing it. So far I haven’t spoken to anybody, I don’t see many out walking, and only birds in my garden. On my walks I’ve said hi to a few dog walkers and they said hi, hello or hey back – my social interaction for the week complete!

But I owe you all thanks – I know, if I hadn’t come here and received your kind and helpful replies I wouldn’t have started this change in my life. I know there is still a long way to go, these things aren’t an instant overnight fix, but I have left the start line figuratively speaking and I feel better for it. F you depression!

So thank you each for being there for me in what was one of my darkest hours.

I've accepted I'll never be able to move out of my parents. I can't maintain a full time job or a relationship so affording a mortgage somewhere nice alone will never happen. I've learned to embrace and somewhat own who I am. Focus on fun things like my hobbies and interests. Have fun and make yourself happy. Don't compare yourself to others or what they consider success. Many people who do have a ''normal'' life and unhappy and just plodding along. Or living a life not suited to them just because they feel that's what everyone has to do. 

Though I am worried as I get older what will become of me when my parents die. I do work part time and make money various ways but not a full time wage. Not sure if it will be enough to sustain myself without my parents help. 

Like you my time is mostly spent with my toys and movies and growing food in the garden.

Hello Jax.

You are NOT a failure......I say this because you are aware / awake to where you are and what MIGHT happen.  The fact that you are this aware / cognisant of your current position and trajectory = there us EVERY chance that things will change for the better for you......before any fateful day!

My advice is to NOT put too much pressure on yourself.  Enjoy these days, but with an eye on the future too.  Whilst you are secure and happy (albeit with a standard and expected dose of self-loathing about your situation)......keep your eyes and ears open!  Good things come from random places, at random times.

Keep the faith that things can change for you (for the better).......but don't try to force it.  Just keep aware - like you are already.

Kind regards

Number.

Hi Jax and welcome to the community.

Every life is unique and there is no point comparing them. The only thing that's important is what you want and what makes you happy.

I understand your worry about what will happen when something happens to your parents, so maybe you could try planning and working towards moving out to your own home? You say you help in the garden but what about In the house? Are you able to clean, make a bed, do laundry, and prepare basic meals? If not perhaps you could ask your mum to teach you these skills.

There is some advice on this website (in the section called "Advice and guidance") that may be of help if you want to plan to move to your own home. If you feel you can live independently, there is a section on money management and if you don't think you could, there is a section on social care which includes supported living options - that doesn't have to be in a care home, it could be a shared flat or house where someone checks on you periodically.

Don't worry about not being able to work - a job is not the most important thing in life, you just need enough money to live on and if you qualify for benefits then you should not worry about it. You could try some volunteer work a few hours a week if you feel it would benefit you though.

I hope you can work things out to help you feel better about yourself.

Hi Jax,

I just want to say that you are not alone - your situation is not so unusual in the autistic community. I have two adult sons with autism - one lives in his own place and my other son lives with us (his parents). He’s in his twenties too, and he often feels disappointed that his life hasn’t expanded into the wider world more at this point in his life. My son is an amazing person and we feel so lucky to have him still living with us - but I know he wants much more from his life than to be with his parents all the time. 
Life can be complicated for autistic people (I’m autistic too by the way). We can be late developers in my experience! I don’t know what the best route is for you to change your life in the way you want to - but I just wanted to say: please don’t hate yourself! Be kind to yourself - you’re not a failure  - please don’t fall into the trap of talking yourself down like that. Embrace who you are, and be forgiving of yourself - because being autistic can present us with so many challenges that make life harder. It’s not our fault! Be kind to yourself :)