Talking and Tones

Interesting point you raise CCRose......and yes, my "tone" or "intent" is often misinterpreted and perceived as angry, abrupt, cold, irritated, bullish or frustrated.......but when I am most certainly NONE of those things.

In terms of insight, I have come to understand that when I am interested and trying to coax information from other humans, my "intensity" is simply too much for most people to understand.......so they just presume that the "intensity" is due to the adjectives I used above.  I choose not to declare my autism = just gets too damn complicated or infuriating to do so.

These days, I tend to warn people about my "manner" if I can feel myself becoming interested......something like "btw, please be assured that I am very happy talking about this because I am very interested, but I am told sometimes that my manner can be misunderstood as irritated or angry - rest assured I am just happy and engaged."  This sort of statement normally raises a chuckle and often helps.....but sometimes, by simply saying that, I can see people instantly get tense.  There is no guaranteed "winning formula".....you just need to hope and try.

That’s great news! Good thing that they are able to self reflect. I’m glad you find this forum helpful!

If I'm overly stressed or tired, I can seem a little sharp especially when paired with my natural resting angry face it can be off putting.

I generally appear to have a quite genial disposition but I can be caught out at times. I haven't made it know to the people at work that I'm autistic as can seriously live with the scrutiny. I don't mean to be brusque, it just occasionally slips out. I don't want to upset people or appear unapproachable. 

Thank you so much! Yes they know I am autistic but due to my high masking they have said on serval occasions that they forget! 

I have spoken to them since and all it good is think! They said they where frustrated by everything that day and just took my reply wrong. They said they would be more understanding moving forward. I am glad I spoke to them. Everyone's replys have been so helpful! 

I am also glad I'm not alone in this, I was nervous posting this as it is my first thread but everyone on here are so lovely and supportive so thank you!

First things first, I don’t think that was wrong of you to say! It is perfectly reasonable to feel like this and actually pretty polite to explain it to someone to explain that you’re not uninterested, just a bit overwhelmed.

I struggle with this as well. I sometimes say things that insult others, because I didn’t think about how that could be perceived by someone who doesn’t only take the literal information out of it. It’s also very complicated with friends and family. There were many occasion where I got into a fight and didn’t even understand why just because “my tone was off”. 
It’s even worse when people joke a lot, especially slightly insulting jokes or light teasing. I never know how far I should go and what tone to choose to actually make it clear to them that I’m kidding.

You’re not alone and it’s very understandable that you’re feeling uncomfortable in situations like that. Do your colleagues know that you’re autistic? It might take some pressure from you to know that they understand why you might say things in a tone that (in their perception) differs from your intention.

I find subtitles quite distracting and the little person signing in the corner during some programs.

There’s nothing wrong with my hearing, I think I just find it easier to process visual text than sound.

I dont need subtitles on the telly, but then it's only me and Mum in the room and both of us are quiet when we're watching something, I hate it when people talk over the telly when I'm trying to watch something, for me it's not just background noise and a distraction, I'm actively watching and listening or I wouldn't have it on.

That‘s a really interesting special interest !! 

I get the exact same thing !! Everyone who needs to know that I‘m autistic knows. They also known I’m prone to sensory issues which can result in a change of behaviour including tone. However, despite this I still get people like my partner saying that sometimes I randomly get quite rude in terms of my tone and verbal communication. It really sucks because like we‘re not typing to be rude. I let people know as well so they know I’m not annoyed at them but still leads to problems unfortunately :( 

I told my manager directly, that I can’t take part in group conversations and i don’t mean anything negative, I just can’t. Sometimes I say a word I it happens I have something to say, and then I go back to my tasks and they keep chatting. I don’t have diagnosis, but even if I had, I think it would be better for me to communicate my issues with my own words instead of using the term autism. I also told my manager I have a bit slower processing (especially auditory) so if someone says something it takes me a bit longer to process it and give the answer. 

Having subtitles on has been a game changer for me recently after one of our kids suggested it, if there's any interruptions from people talking etc. It doesn't make me anywhere near as anxious or lose track of what's going on.

One of my autistic traits is that it is very self-evident if I am frustrated about something and it is readily apparent in my facial expression, mannerisms and tone of voice. As I work in an open plan office, I have experienced the situation you describe on a frequent basis, especially as people seem to use a open corridor near my desk as an impromptu meeting place. I have subsequently managed to offend many of these people when I have pointed out to them that I am trying to work and have asked them to take their conversation elsewhere. Apparently, my frustrated tone of voice on these occasions is deemed to be offensive by them, even though they caused the situation in the first place through their lack of consideration of other workers. Whilst I am not trying to pin my autistic traits on you, it may be that the others picked up on the frustration in your voice and responded defensively to it. I just wanted to let you know that this is not an uncommon occurrence and you shouldn't be beating yourself up about it.

As an aside, this is the first post since the update that I have felt the need to respond to, so I finally got round to reactivating my account. Welcome back me!

TheCatWoman said:

I can't hear the one nearest me, but I can hear someone 3 tables away.

I can really relate to that, often a conversation outside the one I'm trying to be part of takes over my hearing and processing.

TheCatWoman said:

I never realised how much I lip read until I couldn't see everyones faces,

Yes, this was a new and unexpected challenge in 2020.

I also use subtitles on TV.

I get where you are coming from. I just can’t process group back and forth conversation but can engage one to one, so long as the other person isn’t ambiguous. The only thing I can suggest is to consider telling the others that you have difficulty processing their questions, and ask for what you need to make the space work for you. This can be a risk as your colleagues might respond with something negative like ‘we’re all a little bit autistic’ or ‘you don’t look autistic’, and it might not change their attitude to you. On the other hand, your colleagues might respond positively. You could also ask them if you were rude and explain that you feel the energy in the room has changed. Say that you did not intend to come across that way and that it wasn’t your intention. 

Whn I've in that sort of situation, usually in a pub or somewhere,  it's like having half a dozen radios all tuned to different stations playing at full volume, I can't hear the one nearest me, but I can hear someone 3 tables away. I just don't seem able to distinguish and focus on sounds I need to hear, rather than general noise, my dad found the same thing when he had hearing aids. I never realised how much I lip read until I couldn't see everyones faces, I've know a few people who've unconciously learned to lip read, because they can't distinguish sounds when theres a lot going on around them.

I wonder if your collegues felt like naughty children? After all when we're at school we're told to be quiet in class so as we can concentrate on our work, yet at work, we're supposed to be able to concentrate regardless of noise levels and distractions.

So what if you were rude? What about their rudeness of asking you questions and whilst still chatting, how were they in a position to hear you reply?

CCRose said:

I was surrounded by 5 people near my desk, having their own conversations while also trying to ask me questions at the same time, this would be a lot for anyone but when someone got annoyed I wasn't listening to them,

I would think that in this situation there are 3 things you should have done depending on the outcome you wanted.

1 - stop what you are doing and join in the group. This is the socally acceptable thing to do. Give them your attention, answer the questions and be a part of the team.

2 - ask them to leave as they are distracting you. This is isolationist and will lead you to be looked on badly by the group but you can focus on you work if that is more important to you.

3 - get up and say "I'm going for a coffee / bathroom break" or some excuse to get out of there for a minute. Hopefully they will have moved on by the time you are back and you have the bonus of a quick break from work and maybe a tea & biccie.

In the situation you describe point 1 would be the appropriate response. If it is too common for this sort of thing to happen then it would be best to break from the group with a parting "sorry guys I really need to get this report done or I'll get a warning" which should signal that they need to leave you alone or their actions will cause you a problem.

Group dynamics are a special interest of mine after being through a whole career of this sort of thing. i used to enjoy experiementing with these and see where I could steer the discussion or persuade them to do something (like going to a different location) without them realising I was asking them to do it.

It was interesting but a lot of hard work mentally, but that can be the way of some special interests I guess.