I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

God sorry it all escalated into that. He could be autistic and a perfectionist or just perfectionist or just what ever... 

My husband  has always been a perfectionist and when he's stressed what has started out as something I thought we would do together as a team ends up with me walking away as it is "his project". He even has difficulty letting go after he has given me a task so he would be checking and making comments til I told him that if he gave me a job to do then let me do it or else he could do it himself.  He feels responsibility for making it just right, but I don't even think at times he knows what is right. Anxiety behind all that. Background, experiences. Never just one answer, reason. Upbringing not entirely safe. 

I would not be surprised had it been my husband because yes, he too would have wanted weeks in advance. 

Now I am autistic and I suspect he is, but that's all I know for now.

Surprises stresses me as well, but not on the same scale. He feels it is very much his responsibility, it's on him, if it fails. 

What works for us is that we communicate before what should be done and who will be doing what so there are no surprises then.

We may not agree upon everything that should be done, so something has to go, but once we agree we agree and then it goes smoothly after that. 

It sounds to me too as if you think or you do more than he does and so when you ask him to do that you think it's not such a huge deal.

You two need to sit down and talk about who does what and is it fair that so much is on you and not him?

If he or his mom blames autism then it may very well be that if he gets that diagnose then he will be offered help in what is  difficult if not impossible for him to do himself and that way you won't be doing his job as well as your own. 

I have autism and ADD and me living with my husband/perfectionist did not work well for me after we got to be parents I couldn't keep everything together and the small cracks that were there before in how different we functioned in the home got even wider. He had such a bad attitude about it and it took on my self esteem til I got to the point when I told him this was not my home, I could not relax in my own home or enjoy my own home because of him, his attitude, or him, actually, minute he came home it felt like a general had just walked in, and I suggested I wanted us to live in two different places. 

There needs to be balance, equality on both parts in order to make it work in the long run.

Marriage and family life is difficult at times on everyone, NT, autistic, you name it, and I chose to think that we learn from our mistakes, where we went wrong (first we have to recognize we did go wrong) and try to let that go so we won't repeat it. I don't feel like I am the same one I was back then nor do I feel he is, and he is quick to point that out too that he has worked on himself, he has changed some things, so you do evolve, grow, learn with age what works and what does not. 

You’re very thoughtful, I hope this’ll help the both of you, but also look out for yourself! He’s still a responsible adult and you shouldn’t work yourself to exhaustion while he doesn’t even try to find solutions.

Bunny said:

adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments.

Sounds like in your world no opinions would ever be allowed in case someone took it the wrong way.

We need to treat people here as if they are adults and give them the context and information to reach their own conclusions.

I’ve said all that I need to say, except that adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments, or make them any more appropriate when they’re not.

I think I was venting and looking for anyone with similar traits in a partner because for my mental health, it helps me to diagnose him (internally) and have a reason for why he is as he is. But, as you say, I think couples counselling with one that specialises in this is the way to go. There’s also severe dislikes of things like newspaper paper, becoming obsessed with certain topics, or very un-interested in topics in social situations and therefore wandering off (in ways I think look rude). 
The thread has been helpful as I’m going to get a book that someone’s suggested and start writing lists and have a weekly/monthly planner and detail things out…hopefully that will help! 

Bunny said:

The harmful effects of your stated opinions might easily wrongly dissuade autistic people in similar circumstances from looking further into autism

Balderdash. I was making the OP aware that their partner may or may not meet the critera for a diagnosis based on the information supplied. No attempt was made to recommend or dissuade a diagnosis so your arguement seems weak at best.

It my comments were all qualified by "may" - you do understand what this signifies I hope as you are trying to mark me as a seller of misinformation when I only offered my views - just as you are offering yours here.

You fail to qualify any of your accusations instead claiming fact (that is is disinformation for example). What are your qualificaitions to merit this claim?

Iain said:

remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

If you didn't read and understand this line pointing out that this was not to be relied on then you are building a very high and unsteady pedestal for your arguement.

Iain said:

You have failed to substantiate your serious claim that it was misinformation. If you cannot back this up then it is you who should stop as all you are doing here is bullying otherwise.

Firstly, I feel that it’s deeply irresponsible and inappropriate for you to perpetuate this harmful myth, which I referenced in my first reply to you:

Iain said:

The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic

Secondly, neither you - nor anyone else here - knows anywhere near enough about this gentleman to be making assumptions about him, or to be speculating about the outcome of any particular part of a potential formal assessment.

Nor would any of the “reasons” that you cited necessarily mean that it would be questionable for the criterion that you referenced to be met. There are a great many ways in which it could be met, even if someone, in your words, “can form emotional connections, can hold down a job long term and is able to manage the skills required to run a home, have a family and perform a range of other tasks”.

Nor is it appropriate for you to play amateur assessor here (ever, let alone based on such scant evidence and personal assumptions).

The harmful effects of your stated opinions might easily wrongly dissuade autistic people in similar circumstances from looking further into autism as a potential reason for their struggles, or seeking assessments via their GPs.

Bunny said:

For goodness’ sake, just stop.

You have failed to substantiate your serious claim that it was misinformation. If you cannot back this up then it is you who should stop as all you are doing here is bullying otherwise.

Iain said:

He clearly can form emotional connections, can hold down a job long term and is able to manage the skills required to run a home, have a family and perform a range of other tasks that are often very challenging for autists.

This would mean the first criteria for the DSM-5 diagnois is questionable:

criterion A: persistent deficits in reciprocal social communication and social interaction

While there are some interaction issues this seems the weak point in the diagnosis, hence why I said he may not meet the criteria.

Bunny said:

Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.

Are you saying the DSM-5 is misinformation?

For goodness’ sake, just stop.

He clearly can form emotional connections, can hold down a job long term and is able to manage the skills required to run a home, have a family and perform a range of other tasks that are often very challenging for autists.

This would mean the first criteria for the DSM-5 diagnois is questionable:

criterion A: persistent deficits in reciprocal social communication and social interaction

While there are some interaction issues this seems the weak point in the diagnosis, hence why I said he may not meet the criteria.

Bunny said:

Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.

Are you saying the DSM-5 is misinformation?

I think having a physical calendar and maybe an info board in our house, would benefit. I’m often told that I didn’t tell him things (when I did), and if it’s written down and I make conscious effort to show him, at least I can refer to the board or whatever is on it. I think he’s probably had some thoughts over the years that he is, but that he just wouldn’t want to get a diagnosis, which is fine. 

Thank you. I’ll look to get this book. 

Yep…it’s his mum that suggested her theory to me about a diagnosis and I’m unsure if that’s just her excusing his behaviour, by labelling it. But, as others have said, I’ll at least try treating him as though he is mildly on the spectrum, calendars and lists, so I’ve got something to work with. 

Or he could be a controlling ***, who's to used to getting his own way and has hissy fits to make you feel bad, do everything for him and save himself the bother of having reschedule things he enjoys.

Hi and welcome to the community.

I'm sorry to hear of your frustrations. Whilst the characteristics that you've described could certainly be consistent with autism, formal assessments - of course - also consider a much wider range of information. There's more advice here, which you and/or your husband might find helpful (if he's ever in a more receptive frame of mind):

NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

NAS - Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

In terms of immediate help (most particularly, for you), I'd suggest borrowing or buying this book. To be clear, I'm not saying or suggesting that your husband is definitely autistic, but the book might help you, at least, to get a better idea of whether he might be and to better understand and communicate with him if he is.

It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing and can even happen from one paragraph to the next, so I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book are still well worth the effort, I feel.

As many others here have already said: Could be.

The immediate rejection of this idea might be an indicator that either he doesn’t really know anything about this topic (except from inaccurate stereotypes) or he may have been thinking about that himself and therefore has an emotional response because of conflicted feelings. Since he seems to appreciate lists and straight forward communication, you could try to write out the things that make you think he might be neurodivergent. This way he is able to think about it without feeling the need to answer right away or feeling too confronted. If that doesn’t work, it might also be important for you to express the struggles you experience due to those traits and that you think that both of you might benefit from researching neurodiverse coping strategies. Make it clear to him that you don’t necessarily expect him to get diagnosed or anything. There are plenty of accommodations you can implement in your life without having a diagnosis.

Iain said:

The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic

No, it doesn't. Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.

Just fyi, in case you mean 'autistic':

Hi Debs 88 and welcome to the forum.

Autistic people need structure and schedules and to know what is going to happen and when - it helps regulate emotions. Being asked to do something unexpectedly can cause massive anxiety, which can lead to meltdowns or shutdowns.

I cannot tell you if your husband is autistic, but as he seems to be exhibiting behaviour that is similar to the way an autistic adult would act, maybe you could try treating him as If he is autistic and see if that helps. This means you remembering that he will not be able to change schedule quickly and giving him plenty of notice when things need to be different or you need him to help you with something. Visual reminders can be useful, so you might want to have a family calendar - either a physical one on the wall, or an electronic one you can both access on your devices, so he can prepare himself.

If he doesn't want to think he might be autistic, I don't think there is much point in you suggesting this to him. If he's working he wouldn't get any support even if he had a formal diagnosis, it would just be a label and some people don't want to be labelled. 

I hope you can work things out.

It does sound from what you describe that he has a number of neurodivergent traits that indicate he is on the spectrum.

The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic but it doesn't mean he has lots of issues as you describe.

Are you looking for advice on anything specific or just venting?

Since you mention he does not want to talk about it, it probably means he has a negative association with the term and does not want to consider himself as afflicted by it.

If you are finding it is causing a lot of issues in the relationship then one approach could be to get a couples therapist who has experience of autism and work on the issues with them together. Hopefully they can impress on your husband that it is a possibility and there isa benfit to knowing, if nothing else because it means the ways of dealing with his issues (or accepting them in most cases) is a good way forward and you can find a better way of communicating in future for the good of the relationship / family.

Just some thoughts - but remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.