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I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

Debs88.

As the title says. He is very clever, very particular about his work, and claims to be a perfectionist (with his work). He fixates on certain things, to an extent that’s not ‘normal’. He gets overwhelmed so easily, if I’ve not listed out what I need from him, he’ll become annoyed or defensive if something not on the list crops up, he needs step by step information from me, things I’ve not thought far ahead of, then accuses me of leaving information out. Tonight is the final thing. I asked him to help me build a small trike for our baby’s birthday, after the kids had gone to bed. He usually relaxes once bedtime’s done and I’m the one that cooks/has chores, but with Christmas wrapping to be done I just asked that, and he was angry that I hadn’t thought to ask him to help with it ‘knowing it needed doing for weeks in advance’. It’s escalated into a full blown argument as he accused me of blindsiding him as it was our baby’s party yesterday and I’d prepped all food and all I wanted him to do was hang 3 banners up (all small but 200 metres from the house so I couldn’t leave the kids to do it myself) and he was so stressed as he wasn’t sure how it was all meant to look (me neOther, I just thought let’s wing it) and he threw that in my face too, saying o should have discussed it with him that he might need to help….where as my neurotypical brain thinks of course he’d need to help…it’s his kid’s party too! Help! 

Parents

  • It does sound from what you describe that he has a number of neurodivergent traits that indicate he is on the spectrum.

    The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic but it doesn't mean he has lots of issues as you describe.

    Are you looking for advice on anything specific or just venting?

    Since you mention he does not want to talk about it, it probably means he has a negative association with the term and does not want to consider himself as afflicted by it.

    If you are finding it is causing a lot of issues in the relationship then one approach could be to get a couples therapist who has experience of autism and work on the issues with them together. Hopefully they can impress on your husband that it is a possibility and there isa benfit to knowing, if nothing else because it means the ways of dealing with his issues (or accepting them in most cases) is a good way forward and you can find a better way of communicating in future for the good of the relationship / family.

    Just some thoughts - but remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

Reply

  • It does sound from what you describe that he has a number of neurodivergent traits that indicate he is on the spectrum.

    The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic but it doesn't mean he has lots of issues as you describe.

    Are you looking for advice on anything specific or just venting?

    Since you mention he does not want to talk about it, it probably means he has a negative association with the term and does not want to consider himself as afflicted by it.

    If you are finding it is causing a lot of issues in the relationship then one approach could be to get a couples therapist who has experience of autism and work on the issues with them together. Hopefully they can impress on your husband that it is a possibility and there isa benfit to knowing, if nothing else because it means the ways of dealing with his issues (or accepting them in most cases) is a good way forward and you can find a better way of communicating in future for the good of the relationship / family.

    Just some thoughts - but remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

Children
  • in reply to Iain

    I think I was venting and looking for anyone with similar traits in a partner because for my mental health, it helps me to diagnose him (internally) and have a reason for why he is as he is. But, as you say, I think couples counselling with one that specialises in this is the way to go. There’s also severe dislikes of things like newspaper paper, becoming obsessed with certain topics, or very un-interested in topics in social situations and therefore wandering off (in ways I think look rude). 
    The thread has been helpful as I’m going to get a book that someone’s suggested and start writing lists and have a weekly/monthly planner and detail things out…hopefully that will help! 

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic

    No, it doesn't. Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.