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I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

Debs88.

As the title says. He is very clever, very particular about his work, and claims to be a perfectionist (with his work). He fixates on certain things, to an extent that’s not ‘normal’. He gets overwhelmed so easily, if I’ve not listed out what I need from him, he’ll become annoyed or defensive if something not on the list crops up, he needs step by step information from me, things I’ve not thought far ahead of, then accuses me of leaving information out. Tonight is the final thing. I asked him to help me build a small trike for our baby’s birthday, after the kids had gone to bed. He usually relaxes once bedtime’s done and I’m the one that cooks/has chores, but with Christmas wrapping to be done I just asked that, and he was angry that I hadn’t thought to ask him to help with it ‘knowing it needed doing for weeks in advance’. It’s escalated into a full blown argument as he accused me of blindsiding him as it was our baby’s party yesterday and I’d prepped all food and all I wanted him to do was hang 3 banners up (all small but 200 metres from the house so I couldn’t leave the kids to do it myself) and he was so stressed as he wasn’t sure how it was all meant to look (me neOther, I just thought let’s wing it) and he threw that in my face too, saying o should have discussed it with him that he might need to help….where as my neurotypical brain thinks of course he’d need to help…it’s his kid’s party too! Help! 

Parents

  • As many others here have already said: Could be.

    The immediate rejection of this idea might be an indicator that either he doesn’t really know anything about this topic (except from inaccurate stereotypes) or he may have been thinking about that himself and therefore has an emotional response because of conflicted feelings. Since he seems to appreciate lists and straight forward communication, you could try to write out the things that make you think he might be neurodivergent. This way he is able to think about it without feeling the need to answer right away or feeling too confronted. If that doesn’t work, it might also be important for you to express the struggles you experience due to those traits and that you think that both of you might benefit from researching neurodiverse coping strategies. Make it clear to him that you don’t necessarily expect him to get diagnosed or anything. There are plenty of accommodations you can implement in your life without having a diagnosis.

Reply

  • As many others here have already said: Could be.

    The immediate rejection of this idea might be an indicator that either he doesn’t really know anything about this topic (except from inaccurate stereotypes) or he may have been thinking about that himself and therefore has an emotional response because of conflicted feelings. Since he seems to appreciate lists and straight forward communication, you could try to write out the things that make you think he might be neurodivergent. This way he is able to think about it without feeling the need to answer right away or feeling too confronted. If that doesn’t work, it might also be important for you to express the struggles you experience due to those traits and that you think that both of you might benefit from researching neurodiverse coping strategies. Make it clear to him that you don’t necessarily expect him to get diagnosed or anything. There are plenty of accommodations you can implement in your life without having a diagnosis.

Children
  • in reply to Emmalephant

    I think having a physical calendar and maybe an info board in our house, would benefit. I’m often told that I didn’t tell him things (when I did), and if it’s written down and I make conscious effort to show him, at least I can refer to the board or whatever is on it. I think he’s probably had some thoughts over the years that he is, but that he just wouldn’t want to get a diagnosis, which is fine.