I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

It does sound from what you describe that he has a number of neurodivergent traits that indicate he is on the spectrum.

The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic but it doesn't mean he has lots of issues as you describe.

Are you looking for advice on anything specific or just venting?

Since you mention he does not want to talk about it, it probably means he has a negative association with the term and does not want to consider himself as afflicted by it.

If you are finding it is causing a lot of issues in the relationship then one approach could be to get a couples therapist who has experience of autism and work on the issues with them together. Hopefully they can impress on your husband that it is a possibility and there isa benfit to knowing, if nothing else because it means the ways of dealing with his issues (or accepting them in most cases) is a good way forward and you can find a better way of communicating in future for the good of the relationship / family.

Just some thoughts - but remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

Iain said:

The fact he has a partner, kids and his own home implies he may not necessarily be severe enough to be diagnosed as autistic

No, it doesn't. Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.

He clearly can form emotional connections, can hold down a job long term and is able to manage the skills required to run a home, have a family and perform a range of other tasks that are often very challenging for autists.

This would mean the first criteria for the DSM-5 diagnois is questionable:

criterion A: persistent deficits in reciprocal social communication and social interaction

While there are some interaction issues this seems the weak point in the diagnosis, hence why I said he may not meet the criteria.

Bunny said:

Please stop spreading harmful misinformation.

Are you saying the DSM-5 is misinformation?

Bunny said:

adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments.

Sounds like in your world no opinions would ever be allowed in case someone took it the wrong way.

We need to treat people here as if they are adults and give them the context and information to reach their own conclusions.

I’ve said all that I need to say, except that adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments, or make them any more appropriate when they’re not.

Bunny said:

The harmful effects of your stated opinions might easily wrongly dissuade autistic people in similar circumstances from looking further into autism

Balderdash. I was making the OP aware that their partner may or may not meet the critera for a diagnosis based on the information supplied. No attempt was made to recommend or dissuade a diagnosis so your arguement seems weak at best.

It my comments were all qualified by "may" - you do understand what this signifies I hope as you are trying to mark me as a seller of misinformation when I only offered my views - just as you are offering yours here.

You fail to qualify any of your accusations instead claiming fact (that is is disinformation for example). What are your qualificaitions to merit this claim?

Iain said:

remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

If you didn't read and understand this line pointing out that this was not to be relied on then you are building a very high and unsteady pedestal for your arguement.

Bunny said:

The harmful effects of your stated opinions might easily wrongly dissuade autistic people in similar circumstances from looking further into autism

Balderdash. I was making the OP aware that their partner may or may not meet the critera for a diagnosis based on the information supplied. No attempt was made to recommend or dissuade a diagnosis so your arguement seems weak at best.

It my comments were all qualified by "may" - you do understand what this signifies I hope as you are trying to mark me as a seller of misinformation when I only offered my views - just as you are offering yours here.

You fail to qualify any of your accusations instead claiming fact (that is is disinformation for example). What are your qualificaitions to merit this claim?

Iain said:

remember I am just some random on the internet so consider any advice in such a light.

If you didn't read and understand this line pointing out that this was not to be relied on then you are building a very high and unsteady pedestal for your arguement.

Bunny said:

adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments.

Sounds like in your world no opinions would ever be allowed in case someone took it the wrong way.

We need to treat people here as if they are adults and give them the context and information to reach their own conclusions.

I’ve said all that I need to say, except that adding a disclaimer doesn’t negate the harmful effects of anyone’s comments, or make them any more appropriate when they’re not.