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I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

Debs88.

As the title says. He is very clever, very particular about his work, and claims to be a perfectionist (with his work). He fixates on certain things, to an extent that’s not ‘normal’. He gets overwhelmed so easily, if I’ve not listed out what I need from him, he’ll become annoyed or defensive if something not on the list crops up, he needs step by step information from me, things I’ve not thought far ahead of, then accuses me of leaving information out. Tonight is the final thing. I asked him to help me build a small trike for our baby’s birthday, after the kids had gone to bed. He usually relaxes once bedtime’s done and I’m the one that cooks/has chores, but with Christmas wrapping to be done I just asked that, and he was angry that I hadn’t thought to ask him to help with it ‘knowing it needed doing for weeks in advance’. It’s escalated into a full blown argument as he accused me of blindsiding him as it was our baby’s party yesterday and I’d prepped all food and all I wanted him to do was hang 3 banners up (all small but 200 metres from the house so I couldn’t leave the kids to do it myself) and he was so stressed as he wasn’t sure how it was all meant to look (me neOther, I just thought let’s wing it) and he threw that in my face too, saying o should have discussed it with him that he might need to help….where as my neurotypical brain thinks of course he’d need to help…it’s his kid’s party too! Help! 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your frustrations. Whilst the characteristics that you've described could certainly be consistent with autism, formal assessments - of course - also consider a much wider range of information. There's more advice here, which you and/or your husband might find helpful (if he's ever in a more receptive frame of mind):

    NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

    NAS - Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

    In terms of immediate help (most particularly, for you), I'd suggest borrowing or buying this book. To be clear, I'm not saying or suggesting that your husband is definitely autistic, but the book might help you, at least, to get a better idea of whether he might be and to better understand and communicate with him if he is.

    It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder.

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the identity of the autistic party. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing and can even happen from one paragraph to the next, so I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book are still well worth the effort, I feel.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you. I’ll look to get this book. 

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