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I think my husband is neurodivergent but he won’t hear any of it

Debs88.

As the title says. He is very clever, very particular about his work, and claims to be a perfectionist (with his work). He fixates on certain things, to an extent that’s not ‘normal’. He gets overwhelmed so easily, if I’ve not listed out what I need from him, he’ll become annoyed or defensive if something not on the list crops up, he needs step by step information from me, things I’ve not thought far ahead of, then accuses me of leaving information out. Tonight is the final thing. I asked him to help me build a small trike for our baby’s birthday, after the kids had gone to bed. He usually relaxes once bedtime’s done and I’m the one that cooks/has chores, but with Christmas wrapping to be done I just asked that, and he was angry that I hadn’t thought to ask him to help with it ‘knowing it needed doing for weeks in advance’. It’s escalated into a full blown argument as he accused me of blindsiding him as it was our baby’s party yesterday and I’d prepped all food and all I wanted him to do was hang 3 banners up (all small but 200 metres from the house so I couldn’t leave the kids to do it myself) and he was so stressed as he wasn’t sure how it was all meant to look (me neOther, I just thought let’s wing it) and he threw that in my face too, saying o should have discussed it with him that he might need to help….where as my neurotypical brain thinks of course he’d need to help…it’s his kid’s party too! Help! 

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  • God sorry it all escalated into that. He could be autistic and a perfectionist or just perfectionist or just what ever... 

    My husband  has always been a perfectionist and when he's stressed what has started out as something I thought we would do together as a team ends up with me walking away as it is "his project". He even has difficulty letting go after he has given me a task so he would be checking and making comments til I told him that if he gave me a job to do then let me do it or else he could do it himself.  He feels responsibility for making it just right, but I don't even think at times he knows what is right. Anxiety behind all that. Background, experiences. Never just one answer, reason. Upbringing not entirely safe. 

    I would not be surprised had it been my husband because yes, he too would have wanted weeks in advance. 

    Now I am autistic and I suspect he is, but that's all I know for now.

    Surprises stresses me as well, but not on the same scale. He feels it is very much his responsibility, it's on him, if it fails. 

    What works for us is that we communicate before what should be done and who will be doing what so there are no surprises then.

    We may not agree upon everything that should be done, so something has to go, but once we agree we agree and then it goes smoothly after that. 

    It sounds to me too as if you think or you do more than he does and so when you ask him to do that you think it's not such a huge deal.

    You two need to sit down and talk about who does what and is it fair that so much is on you and not him?

    If he or his mom blames autism then it may very well be that if he gets that diagnose then he will be offered help in what is  difficult if not impossible for him to do himself and that way you won't be doing his job as well as your own. 

    I have autism and ADD and me living with my husband/perfectionist did not work well for me after we got to be parents I couldn't keep everything together and the small cracks that were there before in how different we functioned in the home got even wider. He had such a bad attitude about it and it took on my self esteem til I got to the point when I told him this was not my home, I could not relax in my own home or enjoy my own home because of him, his attitude, or him, actually, minute he came home it felt like a general had just walked in, and I suggested I wanted us to live in two different places. 

    There needs to be balance, equality on both parts in order to make it work in the long run.

    Marriage and family life is difficult at times on everyone, NT, autistic, you name it, and I chose to think that we learn from our mistakes, where we went wrong (first we have to recognize we did go wrong) and try to let that go so we won't repeat it. I don't feel like I am the same one I was back then nor do I feel he is, and he is quick to point that out too that he has worked on himself, he has changed some things, so you do evolve, grow, learn with age what works and what does not. 

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  • God sorry it all escalated into that. He could be autistic and a perfectionist or just perfectionist or just what ever... 

    My husband  has always been a perfectionist and when he's stressed what has started out as something I thought we would do together as a team ends up with me walking away as it is "his project". He even has difficulty letting go after he has given me a task so he would be checking and making comments til I told him that if he gave me a job to do then let me do it or else he could do it himself.  He feels responsibility for making it just right, but I don't even think at times he knows what is right. Anxiety behind all that. Background, experiences. Never just one answer, reason. Upbringing not entirely safe. 

    I would not be surprised had it been my husband because yes, he too would have wanted weeks in advance. 

    Now I am autistic and I suspect he is, but that's all I know for now.

    Surprises stresses me as well, but not on the same scale. He feels it is very much his responsibility, it's on him, if it fails. 

    What works for us is that we communicate before what should be done and who will be doing what so there are no surprises then.

    We may not agree upon everything that should be done, so something has to go, but once we agree we agree and then it goes smoothly after that. 

    It sounds to me too as if you think or you do more than he does and so when you ask him to do that you think it's not such a huge deal.

    You two need to sit down and talk about who does what and is it fair that so much is on you and not him?

    If he or his mom blames autism then it may very well be that if he gets that diagnose then he will be offered help in what is  difficult if not impossible for him to do himself and that way you won't be doing his job as well as your own. 

    I have autism and ADD and me living with my husband/perfectionist did not work well for me after we got to be parents I couldn't keep everything together and the small cracks that were there before in how different we functioned in the home got even wider. He had such a bad attitude about it and it took on my self esteem til I got to the point when I told him this was not my home, I could not relax in my own home or enjoy my own home because of him, his attitude, or him, actually, minute he came home it felt like a general had just walked in, and I suggested I wanted us to live in two different places. 

    There needs to be balance, equality on both parts in order to make it work in the long run.

    Marriage and family life is difficult at times on everyone, NT, autistic, you name it, and I chose to think that we learn from our mistakes, where we went wrong (first we have to recognize we did go wrong) and try to let that go so we won't repeat it. I don't feel like I am the same one I was back then nor do I feel he is, and he is quick to point that out too that he has worked on himself, he has changed some things, so you do evolve, grow, learn with age what works and what does not. 

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