How do I tell my family

I would say you tell them and then they can deal with it any way they please. They are going to do that regardless. If they put up those walls then that's on them. You did not put those up there by saying you have this diagnose. They can say it is the wrong one, but then they are not the one living with it, you are, and you know what it feels like, they are only viewers, what they are able to detect or not, it's still on them. They are not working in the profession to be able to say yes or no to that. 

I do think it comes with them being afraid, prejudice, limited knowledge of what autism is. I know when I said one time that I was people went No, you're not! 
It is not their image of what autism is. 

If people like you, regardless of what they think of autism or not, they are still going to like you regardless. If they are made of the right stuff. The people who like me could not care less. 

I found out after burnouts that I was autistic but first one out was actually my brother. My family kept it a secret as they felt it was either anyone elses business but it really was about them thinking it is a vulnerability and that people will not understand what autism is and it becomes this weapon for them to point at you when ever they feel like it. They do not want to hand over that weapon willingly. 

I have a husband I suspect very much has autism and he says he don't care if he gets it on paper or not and it is not something he wish to pursue but at the same time he recognizes himself so much that it is a relief. I don't know where he's gonna go with all this or if anywhere.but he's had periods when I thought he was depressed and/or anxiety and why he felt different or know he was wired differently. Stuff that happened between us that I today explains that it was because of his autism. One time I was so mad I took some test online to see if he was narcissistic or autistic and turns out he was autistic. I don't know what kind of test that was, to be fair. 

I do think if you come from a family where there already is autism (diagnosed or not) you will still feel they are "home" to you. 

I feel that those I suspect have autism within my family, among relatives, are home to me.

The ones I don't suspect who are good people too I have a connection with too, but the rest that are simply corrupt in some way beyond my understanding I don't feel they are "home", there is no connection. They are what they are and it's on them. I never felt that connection. Not once. I suppose we tried to pretend we did or that we were going to get to that place, but truth to be told, you don't get to that place ever with people like that. 

Diagnosis or not what is important is that there is this connection and trying to meet each other half the way.  You can be related to anyone but not have a connection, that is my experience. 

I do not think of my parents having to have been perfect. When I think of them as random adults out in the world I can much better forgive what needs to be forgiven and see it from a different angle, more far away, then it don't matter as much. I think as children we look up to and we have both love, loyalty and demands on our parents, they get to be sort of "Gods" in a way, and once I let go of that feeling or belief system and just saw them as random people it got way better.  I know my parents had their own problems and there were things that worked well growing up and things that got chaotic and periods that just showed off the bad times that really came down to untreated mental bad health.

I have thought about how my parents to me seem to come from a different world different planet in some ways, their generations and of course they were looking at me through their own time, experiences, and you have to take it with a grain of salt. 

You could be saying "Ok. We think differently on this matter. Let's not talk about it anymore or we're just gonna have a fall out". I understand it does not get you as close as you wish if they could agree with you and that there is sadness in that, a longing, and a disappointment, but maybe they need more time and need to investigate this on their own before they are able to connect with you on this matter. Some parents or families are functioned in a way that once they have made their opinion clear, they stand their ground and they refuse any other option because they don't want to be wrong about something, but that is on them as well. That is their choice not to change, not to grow, not to admit if they are wrong about something. Then it all goes down to their own pride, their own walls. It is not only one person that pays for this, being on the other side of the wall, they pay too, but they act as if it is just the other person's fault, and it's not. 

Agree and partially relate to your words! 

Very well put

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm female, in my sixties.

Unfortunately I don't think I can help you much, as I stopped having contact with any family before I discovered I was on the spectrum.

I will just say though that I also find "small talk" boring, and I also don't miss having family as I didn't really connect fully with them. And since my discovery that I was masking, people pleasing and copying neurotypical behaviour to gain approval and be accepted, I've tried to stop doing that as much as possible. I realised that if I'm not connecting with people, why should I care whether they like or approve of me? There are now a few people in my life who like and accept me, including my partner, but nobody genetically related to me.

Some people are not born into their true family - Sometimes they have to find them.

No need to say sorry, all good. My mom is a very specific case, she reads something in the internet and then she considers herself a specialist because she red and she knows. And then she gives herself right to diagnose people around. I told her it’s wrong but she is stubborn so I just decided to not talk about it. If it’s already 4th professional saying it’s autism, but she says NO! They are stupid, I know better! Then I have no words. She said her husband has borderline. I only asked her who told them it’s borderline, and she said she discovered it herself because she red so she knows. Wow! 

yep all that "what's the point of that" chit chat can be tricky to engage with - I figure that there us normally a subtext or agenda that people are engaging in that they often don't realise.  I recall how much of a surprise it was to me the first time someone genuinely answered my question of "how are you".  In that instance it was a childhood friend who in his early 20s had learned cancer was killing him pretty soon.  Surprising how much awareness of mortality opens ones mind to things and opens the door to getting things out there for others to share!  Suspect the chat about bo^^cks is how they show they care - not what you would prefer but for now at least all they can do.  

Your thanks are appreciated - for me this forum is an opportunity to consider things and formulating a reply is therapeutic and insightful for me too in working out about autism.

I think that there is lots of good advice that we encounter here.  One thing to keep in mind tho' is that the "what" is often considerably easier than the doing for ASD people.  Maybe decide on a strategy for how to move on the question that you raised and gently give it a go.  Keep us posted about how things work out maybe! 

All the best :-)

Being true to oneself is a bit of a mountain to climb.  After diagnosis like many others I realised that I didn't know who I was or how I felt.  To some extent this may be part of the neurology of ASD, it may also be part of "masking" so much that I didn't know who I was without it.  Shaking off any personal ambitions about getting others to understand may be just the right tactic to use - dwelling "in the present" without any goals of it means there's more chance to tuning into what is happening both in yourself and in others - without a motive to bias it.  This can reveal things one wouldn't otherwise notice or consider.  That's how I mostly exist, however in interpersonal relationships it doesn't work so well so have to slow down and ask questions of others directly of them about what they need - and make a big effort to be more aware in that area (hard work and there is the reward/versus effort balance to keep in mind I agree)..  Again I suspect this is part of how the wiring of my ASD brain works.  Living in the moment is great for noticing stuff (including what others want/need( but can be also an issue about realising what it is that is you wanted/need longer term  and how to structure and plan to get it tho' (hehe apart from the usual restricted interests probably!)

Enlisting the support of someone close who can help work out what it is that I'm not aware of because "I didn't know I didn't know" helps me a lot.  I also use things like the i-ching to give a different perspective.  Because abstract reasoning is tricky for me these approaches help me "unstick"from repetitive thoughts and behaviours.  If your ASD is like mine I think it possible that you may be on the right lines already and have opportunities to what you seek and just not know it.  Someone who does know how to communicate with the individuals concerned may hold the (to you currently abstract) key to getting the message across perhaps :-)

I’ve removed myself from the family group chat, My wife filters it out and just tells me what i need to know.

however they have started to message me directly (lots) and its finding a way of saying - this was the reason i left the group because i just cant be arsed with it all. I just dont care about your next door neighbours, third cousins uncle has had a haircut bo***cks. 

thanks for your reply, im truly amazed that likeminded people are looking out for one another, 

Thanks, 

in all honesty, i think my dad shows some signs, but both of them were bought up to put up and shut up. The whole family never talks about how they “feel” and are all very opinionated which in itself causes issues, im sure there are others that could be.

I also spend so little time with them that i don't really need there validation or acknowledgment, it was purely a how can i go around being in their eyes polite whilst being true to myself.

i was talking to my sister who is sympathetic but just doesnt really know a lot about it, i was explaining to her that there are some things i just dont care about like she does, the reply was you must be depressed etc, i was saying im not, im quite happy, im just more aware that these feelings or lack there of are my normal, just not yours, and that doesnt make me sad or wrong in any way.

my parents are a lost cause, i get that, i cant really be bothered to get them to understand, its not my loss at the end of the day, i just need to find a way of dealing with them, 

Instinct tells me that you may be quite passionate about your family acknowledging and validating your diagnosis and therefore acknowledging and validating you.  With that sort of passion and perhaps, I imagine that if your ASD is like mine, your determination to make your point about the truth as you see it will be strong enough to get the message across eventually.  For what it may be worth my experience has shown me that going about it as calmly and as gently as possible is wise - otherwise strength of conviction can seem too forceful for others to deal with.

As Martin  indicates your family will also be dealing with their emotional reaction to what is taking place and if your ASD is like mine then you might miss the emotional impact that your family is experiencing in response to the news.  Taking things slowly and watching out more consciously for clues to how they are feeling and factoring that into the strategic approach used might help - I suspect they may be feeling a bit of grief themselves on your behalf and for themselves in coming to terms with it.

I understand that the evidence is that the predisposition to autism is 80% genetic - so with that in mind you may also be trying to communicate the knowledge to another autistic person who has been "masking" all their life and not realising it.  As Alien0n3arth has had experience of too.  That may be an explanation for some of the difficulty they have in seeing the (unmasked) truth you present.

Maybe you could explore using the different levels of the social structure that is your family to help.  That is to say analyse "who is who" and what they're like and who might be most likely to be more amenable to understanding to start with and use that knowledge to your advantage with how you go about achieving your aim.

Overall it might be worth explaining that you're not trying to overturn the organisation of your family but instead want to shore up the existing infrastructure with what to you is exciting new knowledge and the possibilities that it brings.

I think that it is worth the effort because it has the potential of bringing a stronger sense of union, community and alliance.

Whatever happens there are people who understand and "get you" for who you are and hanging out with your other family will give a chance to recharge for taking on the challenge.  I'm please you asked so that I have had the chance to be included in that group :-)

All the best!

Parents often think that their child being diagnosed with autism is somehow a reflection on their abilities as parents (have a look at the 'refrigerator mother' theory, which was in vogue many decades ago). Try explaining that this is definitely not the case.

Sorry for the assumption, i was toying with the idea of whether it was worth the referral, but wanted it just to clarify my thoughts with myself.

I'm not living in UK I will have to discuss it with my therapist. But I'm so happy I finally found one that understands me and my problems instead of gaslight or stupid comments. My mom and sister both told me I was very weird kid. But i wouldn't use their help for an assessment 

Yea i know especially with the older generation when everything that was either dyslexic = stupid, autistic/ adhd naughty or odd child. They just cant grasp the change…

i had a referral via nhs, nhs mental health dept agreed that there should be a assessment, got reffered back to gp for them to refer me privately via right to choose, which autism and adhd fall in to. Basically if nhs has a long waiting list (im not sure the amount of time) you can ask to be referred privately but nhs pick up the bill. 

My mom has never accepted the idea of me being autistic, I'm not diagnosed but I shared with her once a therapist suggested that to me. Also my teachers at school told her that thing. She has a vision of autistic child in tantrum, she has the vision of autistic person calculating like a calculator. I know I will not change it. In fact I had meltdowns as a kid and teenager but she seemed to just ignore it as my bad moods or bad behaviour. I decided I'm gonna explore this topic without involving her at all. She herself displays autistic traits however they affect her much less than me so she can't understand me and my problems. It's sad but sometimes the diagnosis really is just for us to know, not necessarily for our relatives to give them explanations. I just received referral but I don't know how it goes further 

Thanks  

Lub2024 said:

its more the whatever is say is wrong, if i don't say anything its wrong,

In your shoes I would say that to them. Something along the lines of "if I say something, it is wrong, if I don't say anything it is wrong so I'm going to stick with the latter as I'm going to be worng anyway. Stop asking me this rubbish".

Nothing special, just general bits and pieces, its more the whatever is say is wrong, if i don't say anything its wrong, i dont want to cause any dramas but there lack of acknowledgment means that its “my fault” whatever is said, 

Lub2024 said:

just endless messages etc from my lot and they seem to want a answer about things i just don't give two hoots about,

What sort of questions are they asking? 

Do you even need to respond or can you just tell them to stop asking?

Thanks, for your advice. ive got ways that work for me, my wife & her family are understanding, which is good,

just endless messages etc from my lot and they seem to want a answer about things i just don't give two hoots about, without saying anything that appears rude or not saying anything and being accused of blanking them.