Jealousy, personal space, need to know

Update  (if anyone's interested): He says it's his fault and his alone and he does not think we have marital problems, he does not think I am the problem. He says he should if anything be treated alone. He's got his family too telling him to get help (one ADHD).

He's got medication to treat the anxiety that he can take if he feels like it, that's where he's at for now. 

He has not tried to isolate me from family or friends, but instead he's always showed them his respect. He sees them as part of me. 

It is some situations that trigger his alarm system. He explained one time when I was away and it happened unexpectedly he broke down alone because he could not stand it. He had not been "pre-warned" I was gonna go. I remember I stayed in contact with him through it, but he was insisting to talk to me some more. 

He says he has always had a fear of loosing me. When it's bad he says he can't sleep, eat. 

He is more suspicious of people and the world than I am and been taught to be. I haven't, not like that. 

He says it was a recognition and a relief when he took tests to show if he is autistic. 

In some ways there has been lack of understand and lack of respect on one parent's part for ways that are autistic while I have had the opposite experience he has had growing up in my family where they understood and would not cross boundaries with me. They did not make me feel as if something was wrong with me. That I should feel shame. Nothing of the kind. 

We love each other so much and our family and on most days things are steady and safe and he don't get like that. Sometimes it is as if when he should feel at most safe when his fear kicks in. He says he feel so safe with me and I'm home to him and where he wants to be always but unfortunately something triggers his alarm system. 

I am not at all used to having family members that try to reassure where I am and not take my word for it 100% but have some back up system to validate what I say, or family members that feel threaten by what to me are not real threats to me or the relationship, the way he gets. 

I know anxiety, but I have not had it or anyone in my family has not had it manifest in such ways that he has (and I see one of his parents work the same way with it).

Thank you so much for replying again. 

I would never flirt with no other man willingly except for my husband and before we married the same. When we began to date it was unthinkable for me to wish to date someone else as well. I only had eyes for him. I felt so much was right between us right from the get go. I really was thinking this is it, this is the guy. I was so happy I found him. I didn't feel alone anymore in a way that I used to feel alone. 

I was unfortunately very shy because I was so into him, and being the way I am I can be mistaken for being rude so for starters he said later on he was attracted to me, but he thought at first I did not like him as what I said could be read as me being rude. He said he had promised himself to "hang in there". He said he understood me to be "different" than other girls and women and so he went with the approach that he had to be different then as well. He said he wanted to push the relationship further, at his pace, but again promised himself to keep it at my pace. He has said he felt fear too at times when I suppose he was used to pushing someone (me) further away, that he had to stay. He had to stay through that or he knew or feared I would call it quits and so he forced himself. I did not know that was such hard work for him. I took it for granted we should both stay and be very close to one another. 

No, I have never asked them, but it has been as if co-workers has taken it for granted or thought it was just funny when it happened at work with customers as I had to be a certain way and it was as if some guys/customers saw their opportunity then to flirt with me. They haven't been disrespectful, but I've never liked it regardless. To others it is as if this is only natural that they think I look nice and am nice so then it goes with the territory. 

He is not as nice as I am, to be blunt, and we've talked about this. He thinks his way is the right way to go, and works for him. There has been times I have expected him to be more social, "nice", and I can see that other people expect that of him as well, but it doesn't happen. If we're seated in a group he will be nice to me, or look at me, but he will be balancing right on the edge of being shut off from others, or being unfriendly if he don't know them. It has been times it has been obvious to others he wants to be with me alone, they've told me so, or that he "has eyes for you". One told me that he may not like them or her, "but he likes you". They can get the expression that he's not there for them, he's there for me. I have tried to blame it on lack of upbringing, that he don't know the social cues, codes, but it is as if he has no interest in learning them. Somehow being the way he is I've discovered works, as well, it is as if no other guy messes with him. But also I have noticed if let's say we should go to a store and there is this guy there and It's on me to ask something, make a deal, then it is my husband that at once takes over and lead that communication with the other guy. 

I will see what I can do. Many thanks. 

 Yes, sadly I think so too with the self esteem issue and prone to anxiety.

I fear his own viewed self value comes from the wrong place.

I've tried to pin point where this comes from in relation towards me. Where did I go wrong. 

In retrospect I am surprised no hospital staff realized when I got severely ill a period in our lives (for some time they did not know if I would survive or not, this is something you could die of) that he had a control issue. 

I only today remember fragments of it, how he was. Nothing or no one could get pass him. 

When I had my burnout and he came to realize what it was about he took charge once again.

I've felt quilt over these two periods in our lives. He would say he would feel fine once I felt fine. I know that's called co-dependency. I did that to him. I never intended to.

When I began to get better I learned that he was more unwilling to let go of my old responsibilities that had now become his, because as he told me he was afraid it would be too much for me. I would tell him I was not ill anymore. I was not a little girl. It was too much for him to take on. Let me do my part. 

In retrospect I realize it was not only about him fearing it would be too much for me, but for him to feel he was in control of things. 

Step by step I took "my stuff" back, but it was a struggle. 

I don't like to remember the feeling of being a "little girl" and when he does things that remind me of those days I don't know if it is out of his own concern, old habit or still a need for control. 

If I should make one example it is that he would always trace me through my phone my whereabouts when I had my burnout and when I had that turned off (once I found out i even had that thing on in the first place, I did not know before I even had) there was this strong reaction to it, how I could have it turned off. 

When I enforced it that it was going to be off and stay off, as I did not like the feeling of it being on, I then came to realize later on after having been somewhere (and he knew where we were) by his expressions that he still knew, but this time through tracing our child through the child's cellphone. 

I've always been where I would tell him where I've been. I never once lied to him. Everything he's done so far for as long as he has done them to "check up" has only been a confirmation to what he already must know. 

I will try to talk to him again to see if I can pursue him. 

Much appreciated. 

Being in a long term ND-ND relationship myself, two things occur to me after reading your post:

1. It appears that appears your husband might have self esteem issues. I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you, I think he feels he doesn't deserve you. You could try telling him why you love him and highlight his good points, and maybe suggest him going to counselling.

2. From what you say about his background, he may have inherited the predilection for mental health issues, including anxiety disorder. Maybe he could discuss things with his GP and try medication to see if that helps him control his emotions better and be less anxious about the idea he might lose you.

I wish you both all the best.

Your final paragraph concerns me. There is nothing wrong with being friendly towards other people, but the way it's coming across is that if your husband perceives men to be flirting with you, then it's because you have inadvertently encouraged them. You have said you have no intention of leaving your husband, so he has no reason to feel threatened if men flirt with you.

Out of interest, have you asked your friends for their opinion of your behaviour? Do any of them think your friendliness towards other men could be misinterpreted as flirtatious behaviour?

Obviously, you cannot force your husband to request a referral for a diagnostic autism assessment. However, I do think it might be beneficial for you both to have couples counselling. My advice would be to find a therapist with a good understanding of autism.

Thank you, Sporadic Sparkly. So sad to hear you have had that kind of experience with your ex.

I agree with you.

We have considered it, but as we have what I have then thought talked it through I figured there was no further need to go into expensive treatment.

Now I don't know quite where to turn with this, how to get the right kind of treatment, as I feel strongly that he is autistic too. I've searched for answers on the net, but think everything is directed to treatment of "normal brains". 

Some of his autistic ways shows off in few other ways than how it shows off with me, and that's OK, but these there are other that are like "side dish" that is a form of anxiety, I think.OCD like. Repetitive. I think his check ups with me are like that. 

I have also consider his background, first family and the damage that has been done to him and the family in total to be a trigger for his non well being, when it surface. From what I have read it is typical that children of such backgrounds turn into "control freaks".

It also took time for him to get his guard down, but over time it was as if he trusted me more, to let me come closer. To him that has been a new experience, and he considers me to be the one closest to him. He says I am very important to him and he can't imagine himself ever leaving me or be with someone else. He thinks it is the fear of loosing me that becomes overwhelming at times for him. 

We discovered during our marriage I was autistic (I was burned out, but had recovered from it. In the beginning I only fell under "highly sensitive").

I have wanted him to go into this as well to see if he is autistic for real but he says he does not understand why a diagnosis would help him or anyone. 

I feel bad too if I have triggered his insecurity by me for instance having been so passionate about some of my interests and forgotten space and time (and he felt like him), but now I think I have found a better way of coping with that, so that he does not feel left out.

I have also felt bad about me just trying to be "normal", "social" when to me suddenly guys began to flirt with me. The moment I realized that I felt uncomfortable. He says he gets that I just wanted to be nice to everyone and had no such intention, but that I have to be less so. I have become less so and guys don't flirt with me as much today as they used to, which is a relief. I am not really someone who think I know how to flirt or be that social so I felt confused there for a time. I was only trying to be normal, but suppose I missed some signs. Realized it when it was too late. I have felt so dumb. I've felt terrible about this. 

Have you and your husband considered couples counselling?

Your husband's jealousy would be a red flag to me too. In my opinion, I feel a marriage should be based on trust. The fact that your husband needs to know where you are and what you're up to suggests (to me) that he doesn't trust you.

Some years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who always wanted to be within earshot when I spoke on the phone to relatives or friends. If I had arranged to meet up with a friend or relative, he would feel jealous if he wasn't included. In addition, he would want to know what we had talked about, and if he had featured in those conversations. Over time, I began to despise him and feel suffocated. He wasn't violent or aggressive, but I felt as though he was trying to isolate me from my friends and family.

I think your husband could benefit from therapy to help him to deal with his insecurities before they get any worse.

Read through what I've written earlier and realize I've failed to describe the "weird jealousy".

He is not threatening or violent or aggressive.

I've been told by few others that his jealousy is a red flag and that he will get worse with it and that I should leave him because of it, but as I don't recognize him being that type of man they describe I've thought this has to be about something else. To me it is OCD or something like that. I have no desire to leave. 

We have talked about it in the past. He says he gets afraid to loose me: He gets afraid that someone or something will take me away. Afraid I will be influenced by other people or things I've read to leave him. He needs to know where I am and what I'm up to.

I've noticed when I talk to a friend on the phone and has gone into another room to be alone he will always turn up and seat himself down with his phone, not saying a word. First I thought he did not understand the need for privacy, but now I understand that too is a "check up", jealousy thing. 

He told me early on in the relationship that he was jealous of me, but for most part I did not see signs that he was. For most part he's said he would try to hide that he was. 

As part as us trying to solve this he would confess to things he had done out of jealousy and it was then things he had done behind my back to find out what I was doing at the time. When I heard that I froze as I had no idea he had done those things. I can't even describe the feeling. 

The way I've understood it it is about his own insecurity and a reassurance when ever he gets like that to "check up". 

The pattern I've noticed is that this happens when he is under pressure or stressed out about something. It does not have to do with us, but it as if suddenly he suspect my behavior to be different, as if he is over sensitive and get me wrong. He then gets back to normal, but it just feels like this is a never ending cycle and I'm out of ideas how to fight this thing. 

I've tried to be as open as I can be, to reassure, but also let him know how it makes me feel and expressed my boundaries.