Jealousy, personal space, need to know

Thank you, Sporadic Sparkly. So sad to hear you have had that kind of experience with your ex.

I agree with you.

We have considered it, but as we have what I have then thought talked it through I figured there was no further need to go into expensive treatment.

Now I don't know quite where to turn with this, how to get the right kind of treatment, as I feel strongly that he is autistic too. I've searched for answers on the net, but think everything is directed to treatment of "normal brains". 

Some of his autistic ways shows off in few other ways than how it shows off with me, and that's OK, but these there are other that are like "side dish" that is a form of anxiety, I think.OCD like. Repetitive. I think his check ups with me are like that. 

I have also consider his background, first family and the damage that has been done to him and the family in total to be a trigger for his non well being, when it surface. From what I have read it is typical that children of such backgrounds turn into "control freaks".

It also took time for him to get his guard down, but over time it was as if he trusted me more, to let me come closer. To him that has been a new experience, and he considers me to be the one closest to him. He says I am very important to him and he can't imagine himself ever leaving me or be with someone else. He thinks it is the fear of loosing me that becomes overwhelming at times for him. 

We discovered during our marriage I was autistic (I was burned out, but had recovered from it. In the beginning I only fell under "highly sensitive").

I have wanted him to go into this as well to see if he is autistic for real but he says he does not understand why a diagnosis would help him or anyone. 

I feel bad too if I have triggered his insecurity by me for instance having been so passionate about some of my interests and forgotten space and time (and he felt like him), but now I think I have found a better way of coping with that, so that he does not feel left out.

I have also felt bad about me just trying to be "normal", "social" when to me suddenly guys began to flirt with me. The moment I realized that I felt uncomfortable. He says he gets that I just wanted to be nice to everyone and had no such intention, but that I have to be less so. I have become less so and guys don't flirt with me as much today as they used to, which is a relief. I am not really someone who think I know how to flirt or be that social so I felt confused there for a time. I was only trying to be normal, but suppose I missed some signs. Realized it when it was too late. I have felt so dumb. I've felt terrible about this. 

Your final paragraph concerns me. There is nothing wrong with being friendly towards other people, but the way it's coming across is that if your husband perceives men to be flirting with you, then it's because you have inadvertently encouraged them. You have said you have no intention of leaving your husband, so he has no reason to feel threatened if men flirt with you.

Out of interest, have you asked your friends for their opinion of your behaviour? Do any of them think your friendliness towards other men could be misinterpreted as flirtatious behaviour?

Obviously, you cannot force your husband to request a referral for a diagnostic autism assessment. However, I do think it might be beneficial for you both to have couples counselling. My advice would be to find a therapist with a good understanding of autism.

Your final paragraph concerns me. There is nothing wrong with being friendly towards other people, but the way it's coming across is that if your husband perceives men to be flirting with you, then it's because you have inadvertently encouraged them. You have said you have no intention of leaving your husband, so he has no reason to feel threatened if men flirt with you.

Out of interest, have you asked your friends for their opinion of your behaviour? Do any of them think your friendliness towards other men could be misinterpreted as flirtatious behaviour?

Obviously, you cannot force your husband to request a referral for a diagnostic autism assessment. However, I do think it might be beneficial for you both to have couples counselling. My advice would be to find a therapist with a good understanding of autism.

Thank you so much for replying again. 

I would never flirt with no other man willingly except for my husband and before we married the same. When we began to date it was unthinkable for me to wish to date someone else as well. I only had eyes for him. I felt so much was right between us right from the get go. I really was thinking this is it, this is the guy. I was so happy I found him. I didn't feel alone anymore in a way that I used to feel alone. 

I was unfortunately very shy because I was so into him, and being the way I am I can be mistaken for being rude so for starters he said later on he was attracted to me, but he thought at first I did not like him as what I said could be read as me being rude. He said he had promised himself to "hang in there". He said he understood me to be "different" than other girls and women and so he went with the approach that he had to be different then as well. He said he wanted to push the relationship further, at his pace, but again promised himself to keep it at my pace. He has said he felt fear too at times when I suppose he was used to pushing someone (me) further away, that he had to stay. He had to stay through that or he knew or feared I would call it quits and so he forced himself. I did not know that was such hard work for him. I took it for granted we should both stay and be very close to one another. 

No, I have never asked them, but it has been as if co-workers has taken it for granted or thought it was just funny when it happened at work with customers as I had to be a certain way and it was as if some guys/customers saw their opportunity then to flirt with me. They haven't been disrespectful, but I've never liked it regardless. To others it is as if this is only natural that they think I look nice and am nice so then it goes with the territory. 

He is not as nice as I am, to be blunt, and we've talked about this. He thinks his way is the right way to go, and works for him. There has been times I have expected him to be more social, "nice", and I can see that other people expect that of him as well, but it doesn't happen. If we're seated in a group he will be nice to me, or look at me, but he will be balancing right on the edge of being shut off from others, or being unfriendly if he don't know them. It has been times it has been obvious to others he wants to be with me alone, they've told me so, or that he "has eyes for you". One told me that he may not like them or her, "but he likes you". They can get the expression that he's not there for them, he's there for me. I have tried to blame it on lack of upbringing, that he don't know the social cues, codes, but it is as if he has no interest in learning them. Somehow being the way he is I've discovered works, as well, it is as if no other guy messes with him. But also I have noticed if let's say we should go to a store and there is this guy there and It's on me to ask something, make a deal, then it is my husband that at once takes over and lead that communication with the other guy. 

I will see what I can do. Many thanks.