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Jealousy, personal space, need to know

Table1

Do you guys know how to go abou this? 

Background I am autistic and suspect very much my husband is too, as well I suspect our child is. 

My husband comes from a family where his father has his issues and his Mother I suspect is autistic. There are some unhealthy ways his father is doing to his wife and family. I think his ways has done som damage to his son, my husband. 

I feel like we have a good marriage for most part, but I notice my husband have this strange jealousy of me which surface when ever he under some sort of strain from his family and by that I mean ultimately his father. 

The jealousy is so weird to me, and when he feels better it is as if it gets better or temporarily goes away. But it always returns. 

Is there something I can do? He can do? It gets stronger in association with his father. As if he gets more alike his son then. Now we are approaching the holidays and I hope he does not get like that, but I dread it.

As he likes order and is a man of habits I do not know how hard it Will be for him to not do this in secret, checking up on me, etc.I think he does it to make him fel more safe in the end of the day.

Parents

  • Thank you, Sporadic Sparkly. So sad to hear you have had that kind of experience with your ex.

    I agree with you.

    We have considered it, but as we have what I have then thought talked it through I figured there was no further need to go into expensive treatment.

    Now I don't know quite where to turn with this, how to get the right kind of treatment, as I feel strongly that he is autistic too. I've searched for answers on the net, but think everything is directed to treatment of "normal brains". 

    Some of his autistic ways shows off in few other ways than how it shows off with me, and that's OK, but these there are other that are like "side dish" that is a form of anxiety, I think.OCD like. Repetitive. I think his check ups with me are like that. 

    I have also consider his background, first family and the damage that has been done to him and the family in total to be a trigger for his non well being, when it surface. From what I have read it is typical that children of such backgrounds turn into "control freaks".

    It also took time for him to get his guard down, but over time it was as if he trusted me more, to let me come closer. To him that has been a new experience, and he considers me to be the one closest to him. He says I am very important to him and he can't imagine himself ever leaving me or be with someone else. He thinks it is the fear of loosing me that becomes overwhelming at times for him. 

    We discovered during our marriage I was autistic (I was burned out, but had recovered from it. In the beginning I only fell under "highly sensitive").

    I have wanted him to go into this as well to see if he is autistic for real but he says he does not understand why a diagnosis would help him or anyone. 

    I feel bad too if I have triggered his insecurity by me for instance having been so passionate about some of my interests and forgotten space and time (and he felt like him), but now I think I have found a better way of coping with that, so that he does not feel left out.

    I have also felt bad about me just trying to be "normal", "social" when to me suddenly guys began to flirt with me. The moment I realized that I felt uncomfortable. He says he gets that I just wanted to be nice to everyone and had no such intention, but that I have to be less so. I have become less so and guys don't flirt with me as much today as they used to, which is a relief. I am not really someone who think I know how to flirt or be that social so I felt confused there for a time. I was only trying to be normal, but suppose I missed some signs. Realized it when it was too late. I have felt so dumb. I've felt terrible about this. 

Reply

  • Thank you, Sporadic Sparkly. So sad to hear you have had that kind of experience with your ex.

    I agree with you.

    We have considered it, but as we have what I have then thought talked it through I figured there was no further need to go into expensive treatment.

    Now I don't know quite where to turn with this, how to get the right kind of treatment, as I feel strongly that he is autistic too. I've searched for answers on the net, but think everything is directed to treatment of "normal brains". 

    Some of his autistic ways shows off in few other ways than how it shows off with me, and that's OK, but these there are other that are like "side dish" that is a form of anxiety, I think.OCD like. Repetitive. I think his check ups with me are like that. 

    I have also consider his background, first family and the damage that has been done to him and the family in total to be a trigger for his non well being, when it surface. From what I have read it is typical that children of such backgrounds turn into "control freaks".

    It also took time for him to get his guard down, but over time it was as if he trusted me more, to let me come closer. To him that has been a new experience, and he considers me to be the one closest to him. He says I am very important to him and he can't imagine himself ever leaving me or be with someone else. He thinks it is the fear of loosing me that becomes overwhelming at times for him. 

    We discovered during our marriage I was autistic (I was burned out, but had recovered from it. In the beginning I only fell under "highly sensitive").

    I have wanted him to go into this as well to see if he is autistic for real but he says he does not understand why a diagnosis would help him or anyone. 

    I feel bad too if I have triggered his insecurity by me for instance having been so passionate about some of my interests and forgotten space and time (and he felt like him), but now I think I have found a better way of coping with that, so that he does not feel left out.

    I have also felt bad about me just trying to be "normal", "social" when to me suddenly guys began to flirt with me. The moment I realized that I felt uncomfortable. He says he gets that I just wanted to be nice to everyone and had no such intention, but that I have to be less so. I have become less so and guys don't flirt with me as much today as they used to, which is a relief. I am not really someone who think I know how to flirt or be that social so I felt confused there for a time. I was only trying to be normal, but suppose I missed some signs. Realized it when it was too late. I have felt so dumb. I've felt terrible about this. 

Children
  • in reply to Table1

    Your final paragraph concerns me. There is nothing wrong with being friendly towards other people, but the way it's coming across is that if your husband perceives men to be flirting with you, then it's because you have inadvertently encouraged them. You have said you have no intention of leaving your husband, so he has no reason to feel threatened if men flirt with you.

    Out of interest, have you asked your friends for their opinion of your behaviour? Do any of them think your friendliness towards other men could be misinterpreted as flirtatious behaviour?

    Obviously, you cannot force your husband to request a referral for a diagnostic autism assessment. However, I do think it might be beneficial for you both to have couples counselling. My advice would be to find a therapist with a good understanding of autism.