Published on 12, July, 2020
I was married for seven years, and at the time, I didn't know my ex-husband had Asperger's. When I got pregnant, he left me. The pregnancy was unexpected, and we were already having many problems, mainly because I couldn't understand him in several ways that I now realize were related to Asperger's syndrome. Back then, we didn't have this diagnosis, and I'm only starting to understand it now, after five years of raising my son alone. I sought help to deal with the challenges in raising my son and found out that he also probably has Asperger's. This has helped me better understand what my ex-husband must have felt with the unexpected pregnancy and all our other difficulties, without knowing that he himself was different.
I miss him a lot, especially when it comes to raising our son. He still likes me a lot and visits us often. Sometimes, it even seems like he pays more attention to me than to our son. However, we are still separated, and I know that sometimes he has relationships with other women. I really want to win him back, but although he is aware of the suspicion that he might have Asperger's, he hasn't sought any help or psychological follow-up for verification and diagnosis. He still sees our separation as final.
What should I do to win him back, considering this situation?
Yes.
However, there is the possibility that he was used by his ex-Wife.
There are other mitigating circumstances. Perhaps he's afraid of losing freedom. A lot of men end up with bloodsuckers who get paranoid over money and relationships.
The father should be head of the household. Young men with Autism were deprived the opportunity to take adult responsibilities, due to family pressure. So, it's not all his fault.
Wow thats a big event you have both been through. I am now 54 and never, ever wanted kids, but married for 19 years. There is no way I could have coped with kids and I would also have run away. I can barely cope with me, let alone anybody else. How is he with your son? Maybe that he could cope with getting back with you but three of you could be the issue? I would do this in small steps. Maybe try and do some small things with the three of you, see how he copes? Then just the two of you dating again? One thing is give him time to process things don't rush it. good luck.
From your post, I'm assuming that you are still separated, but not divorced, and that the pregnancy was not planned.
Had you discussed whether either of you wanted children before you got pregnant? I'm not blaming you, it takes two and he should take responsibility. However he may not have wanted a child - he may have thought he could not deal with the mess and noise, he may have worried about routine disruption or that he wouldn't be a good father.
It appears he is trying to do his best to be a parent and still likes you, but perhaps he feels that living with the two of you full time would be overwhelming.
I suggest writing down how you feel in an email to him, and suggesting you meet up to discuss things further. Say you want to understand things from his point of view too. This will prepare him for the conversation, so he can plan what he wants to say. You could suggest starting dating again to see how it goes.
Good luck and hope it works out well.
I would say be very clear tell him clearly how you feel about him and what you would like. He won't pick up hints if he has autism. All the best x
I can’t help but look at this from a traditional Catholic perspective - by abandoning you as soon as you became pregnant within Marraige, your husband is in a serious state of mortal sin and he has a moral responsibility to reconcile his differences with you and come back into Marraige and into a state of Grace - a child needs both a mother and a father and the child could very well be traumatised by the experience of the father abandoning the family home. These are serious sins that need to be confessed if either of you are Catholics, however the child does need counselling and therapy to cope with what’s happened given the length of time that has elapsed. The child could have trauma that remains unresolved. Family therapy could also be needed in this situation.
Hopefully you get him back.
the foundation of all relationships ... well one of them, is comunication. the first step is to tell him how you feel. he's not a mond reader.