Ideas and suggestions

I think specifically software development is like Mathematics. It takes a certain mind to grasp the underlying patterns and logic. Everyone can do some maths, but if you put most people in for a maths degree they'd just not be able to do it, it isn't really a matter of intelligence, they may be exceptional in other subjects, it is a way of thinking that requires a neural affinity for that type of information processing. Unfortunately software development requires far more people as an industry than are available with that natural affinity. An order of magnitude more. So it has a lot of people struggling to output anything reasonable because they can't 'see it' and are relying on something akin to brute force and dogmatic formula to try and get things working.

I don't hold it against them. It is what it is, and I have met some people far more intelligent than me who just couldn't grasp the complexities. I have the ability to track and visualize millions of lines of code and see how it all fits together like the moving gears in a pocket watch. It took me a while to realize that most people can't do this, and that it isn't normal. So I also don't judge. I have a dysfunction that has a use, but I'd give it up in a heart beat to get rid of all the other things that come with it.

Hi Pixiefox,

The only time I leave the house is to go shopping, which is very stressful, but I can just about manage the 10 minutes I am in the shop once a week. I pre-plan what I am buying, know where all of it is on the shelves, and stick to the self serve so I don't have to interact with people. So anything other than working from home isn't really an option. I tend to fall to pieces if I have to interact directly with other people. It is just me, no friends or family, so I don't really have to deal with other people.

I am on a fixed term tenancy until July next year, it is my rent that is most of my costs, and so I can't do anything about it until then. If I can't find a way of working I will have to move out and I think I will choose to be homeless. In reality all I could afford would be shared accommodation and for me that would be just constant anxiety and I'd likely end up harming myself. My back up plan is to take my tent and live 'wild' in Scotland out in the middle of nowhere. It isn't much of a plan, but right now I don't have many options. I think I could potentially pick up some seasonal work fruit picking. I expect when you are in the fields you are alone, so I might be able to do that. Like I said, not really a great idea, but it is the only choice I can control right now so it is all I have.

Sorry to jump in here....but I think your questions in the second paragraph above, are SO resonant with my soul and understanding of my world, that it would be unreasonable for me to ignore them, without a quick #metoo - whether that be misappropriation, or not.  As always, I am ALWAYS interested to see what others think about matters that interest or impact me too.

Fwiw.....I am a "professional" (not in the field to which this matter relates)....but I note that, without reserve, I consistently, and repeatedly note that....."so-called-professionals" in my field, are OFTEN far less able/competent than the average "bright" human that I might meet on the street.

Accordingly, I tend not to "judge" people, whether "professional" or not....in their respective fields.  Personally, I tend to simply "judge the person" based on how they choose to interact with me....whether that be in my field.....or not.

Thank you for maintaining a buoyancy to my sense of presence, here.

Kind regards

Number.

Thanks Mark. Yes I am a people pleaser, I think because I have 'problems' it translates into the need to be a bit above and beyond to justify them putting up with the extra hassle. That said the 100 hour thing was the other side of the coin. I make things bearable by having a plan, knowing what I am going to do, how long it will take, and knowing that I can do it in the time I have. Most of the time this keeps things healthy, but when things go really wrong it turns into a stick to beat myself with. I was always just a couple of weeks off getting the project back on track. It meant feeling back on top of things was in reach if I just pushed through. The long hours are less painful than the constant uncertainty and changes of direction. In this instance I was working for someone who changed his mind multiple times a day, and no matter how hard I chased he kept the project on the edge of failure, the harder I pushed the more leeway he felt he had to just throw a spanner in the works. While he was off daydreaming about productizing the system I was building as a separate revenue stream, the company was facing a major release without a core part of the system. He also promised 2 other people on the project who never materialized. I got trapped by it all and I was so tired I couldn't really see a way out. It was only in retrospect that I realized I was trying to do the impossible and should have left a long time before. I did finally get it done, helped hire a replacement, and left, but by then I was very broken, and it hasn't been the same since.

I am 'working' on some of my own software to try and build back up a tolerance. I'm not sure it is helping but I am out of ideas. It isn't really the same as I know what I am doing, it is the volatility of working for others that causes the breakdowns. In the past I have done smaller pieces of work independently but the industry has moved away from that it seems. I haven't had any luck finding anything like that.

Hi Bunny, sorry for the delay getting back, I am trying to not spend too much time parked in front of my computer. I'll have a read through that article. Work is my main concern, I can juggle other things in my life, but without that everything is going to be quickly problematic. I do have problems avoiding excessive work loads. One of the things about being 'neuro-diverse' is that it is both a super-power and a curse. In my line of work if you are highly capable you quickly end up buried as there are always a million things to do, and most of the other people lack the skills to do the work (the industry ballooned and the skills base didn't have time to keep up). Despite being very upfront about my boundaries, it never seems to work. It is always just one more thing, then one more, and as I don't like confrontation I tend to get manipulated into doing it. I think there is a degree of human nature at work. Despite people knowing I tend to crumple if they lean on me too hard they just can't quite help themselves. They can give me the task and it gets done, and works, or they can hand it out elsewhere and it takes 10 times longer, causes lots of hassle, and often still fails and I end up doing it anyway. I know I should say no more, but that invites a conversation about why, and my social anxiety kicks in and I agree to things to avoid it. It is stupid, I know it is, but right there in the moment all I want to do is escape.

Not really sure about the Autism assessment as I am not sure what difference it would make? I tend to weigh things up and avoid anything that causes anxiety that doesn't have any real benefit. Would it help? What do you think the positives of doing so are? The GP/Consultant was a little weird about it. He did an initial assessment, asked me a load of questions, then said I had strong Autistic traits. Then asked me how I felt about it? I wasn't really sure how to answer that, he seemed to want something from me, but I have no idea what. He kept asking what I wanted to do, which feels a bit back to front as I went there because I ran out of ideas and was looking for a professional opinion. 

Hey, hope you're doing ok and still holding on. Thought I'd check in on you. 

I don't know anything about software development, having to turn on an unfamiliar laptop is a cause for rising panic, however, it must have skills that are transferable. Perhaps exploring a different path that requires the same or similar skill set could produce some acceptable results for you. Anyway, let me know how you're doing, and ignore my attempts to help if you find them unhelpful.

Hey Number,

Funnily enough I've been finding myself wondering how're your doing lately. Thought I'd sneak on and see how the forum is going. It's so so nice to connect with you again, it's been awhile. 

HOLY MOSES.........IS THAT YOU.......THE PIKL ?!?!

It is SO, SO lovely to see you back here mate!  Believe it or not, I have thought about you very often recently, and I am really, (no, really) delighted to see you back.  I have been (most genuinely) quite worried about you - and no - I cannot explain why.

You have made my evening!  Thank you.

Hi Moon Scribe and welcome to the community!

The NAS has a great article about this, which includes:

• What causes autistic fatigue and burnout?
• What can I do if I'm experiencing autistic burnout and fatigue?
• Use energy accounting
• Time off and rest/relaxation
• At work
• Time without having to mask
• Reducing expectations
• Useful resources 

You might find some of the advice helpful: NAS - Autistic fatigue - a guide for autistic adults

Given what you've been told by your GP's mental health consultant, you might also want to explore whether you feel an autism assessment could be relevant and helpful for you. There's some great advice here, including signs of autism, deciding whether to get assessed, and how to request an assessment:

NAS - Before diagnosis

As part of this, you could also complete some tests online. The AQ-10 and AQ-50 are commonly used by GPs and assessment centres when screening for referrals. RAADS-R might also be useful for you. They can be completed online, and you can print off your results to discuss with your GP or consultant:

Embrace Autism - tests

Hi Moon Scribe

I just wanted to add my sympathy. I'm also in IT but have not worked in long while. My burnout led to a long journey with me being assessed. I think your GP is correct to suspect autism based on things that you have said.

If you are not working at all, are you able to compete online for little programming contracts? I don't mean with the idea of making pots of money - as there is always someone willing to work for very little. But more to keep your mind active and keep your CV going.

Another observation - it is common for autistics to be 'people pleasers'. Your story of doing 100 hour weeks is an indicator of this. I think most neurotypical people would just put their foot down, not do all that extra work and still keep the job. I'm guessing you may not like confrontation and/or want to please your employers. I would work on this aspect to make future jobs more bearable.

Hope to see you on here.

Hi moon scribe and welcome to the forum.

I too had burn out when I found out I was very likely on the spectrum, and I could no longer work full time, but luckily I was able to reduce my working hours. Telling my employers what was happening with me and talking to colleagues about how I was feeling also helped.

I noticed that you said you work from home. I know that suits a lot of people, but I could not do it - my home is my sanctuary and when I was working (I'm retired now) I needed separation between work and home, to enable me to mostly forget work when I was at home so I could get a rest from it.

Think about if there are any changes you could implement that could help you. Would you be able to do an office based job (not necessarily in the area you work now, maybe a different role) so that you have support from others and can "switch off" when you get home? Can you move to a cheaper place or reduce your spending in other ways? (If you have a car, can you sell it and use public transport or walk/cycle, for instance?)

Good luck, and continue to post any questions you have - we'll try to help.

Unfortunately I am in software development (it means I don't have to leave the house). The downside is it is more like 60+ hour weeks, no one wants someone part-time, there is more work than people. That said right now I can't even get through a straight 8 hours of work for one day, it is that bad. I am working on my own software on and off as a form of 'immersion therapy' but it isn't really a substitute as it doesn't have all the chaos real work has.

Sleep well, it is 23:00 so I am off to bed too. Working on keeping my routines despite the chaos, it gives me a semblance of control over things. Unfortunately I will probably spend all night worrying about it all, I haven't slept for more than a couple hours a night for months.

Thanks again. Its good to 'be heard'.

Balance was not something I was ever good at either, there was only ever ON or OFF. I'm learning though. 

I don't know how you are, but I was always someone who needed permanent solutions to a problem. I've come to accept that temporary ones are also viable, and that they are just smaller steps to reaching the permanent solution that I needed to have. Couldn't deal with things not being my idea of perfect. I've become a lot better with that.

Would a part time job help? A few days a week with a day off inbetween. I don't know if that's something that could be done in your field. It won't solve your financial situation completely, or your recovery. Though it may help you keep the roof over your head, at least for the time being, and hopefully allow you at least some rest between work. It's a balance (possibly), though probably not desirable. 

I'm sorry I can't be of any real help to you, other than to say "you're heard". 

I'm going to sleep now, will pop by tomorrow if I can. 

Appreciate the positive thoughts. I will keep working the problem, it is finding a balance between that and giving myself space to recover. Balance is something I am definitely not very good at. I am either fully engaged, or completely detached, I don't seem to have an in between.

In the past I have bounced out of work in the same way but in 2-3 months I am usually ready to go again. I have combatted this by spreading out my earnings so I can afford the recovery time. This time recovery didn't happen and I had to go back to work already frazzled. Since then it has been a desperate ordeal of pushing through the pain, but it just kept making it worse. Then about 3 months ago I hit a wall I couldn't push through and now I seem to be stuck. I really don't know how to get back, and I am starting to think that the damage has become permanent.

If there is a solution I am not sure I will find it in the time I have. So I think I need to start planning for the worst. Planning is what I do, if I don't have a plan and at least 5 backup plans my anxiety eats me alive. The problem now is that I really can't think of any alternatives, I really have no clue what I am supposed to be doing.

Unconventional solutions 

I can empathise with the fear of losing your home, though my circumstances were very different, which sadly means I'm not able to offer you any useful information. 

It sounds like after you're burnout 3 years ago that you never fully recovered, and that would perhaps explain why it's been so difficult and challenging since (non-professional opinion). 

Please don't give up. There could be other avenues to try, a different approach. It's hard to think of options when in the midst of chaos, but unconditional people like us are very good at unconditional solutions. Keep trying the usual avenues, of course, but be open to the more abstract also, maybe in that you can find something that will work, even if it's temporary, just to give yourself a bit of a time buffer.

Thanks for the reply.

It is a tricky one. For me this is a life long condition, and I have been doing the best I can with it. I had a complete work burnout 3 years ago where a project went into chaos and I ended up working 100 hours weeks for over 8 months to try and make it tenable. I need to work to a predictable plan, and I am at my worst where everything is in constant flux. The only way to get on top of it is to work it back into some semblance of order. I ended up pretty sick, and since then my 'sensitivity' has been disproportionate, which means I can't even get through a day of work without imploding.

I doubt whether I will get to the bottom of what is wrong. I have been referred to another agency, but the waiting times are apparently 12 to 18 months, and I will be homeless and on the streets before then. Which would make it pretty difficult to attend, so right now that is a dead end. I am half way between giving up and accepting the inevitable, or chasing down every possibility. I'm exhausted and at the end of my tether.

Really trying not to just feel sorry for myself, but its hard right now. Having severe anxiety and being a recluse doesn't gel well with financial troubles and imminently losing the only haven you have. I couldn't survive in a HMO crammed in with other people, which is all benefits would get me, so my back up plan is moving up to Scotland and living in the wild (I'm a keen outdoors type of person, I like the solitude wherever I can find it). I am wondering if I would be better giving up chasing after what I had and focusing on working towards making that as liveable as possible.

Hi Moon Scribe.

Love the name.

Sounds like you're at the start of what could be a potentially difficult and confusing time, trying to get answers and investigating, learning as much as you can. This period comes with moments of clarity and relief,  but also moments of doubt and internal conflict. Just try to go with the flow of it and know that although it might not come easy at times, the learning journey is worth it. Hang in there. 

As for burnout, that involves my least favourite word "patience". There is sadly no quick fix. Give yourself time, no expectations. Rest and do things you enjoy that don't take much energy. Allow yourself to be what seems lazy, and remind yourself that it's not laziness, it's being a friend to yourself and giving yourself what you need.

Sorry you are currently out of employment, that stress and pressure won't be helping you. I wish I could suggest something helpful, maybe someone else here can for you.

Once you have recovered, can I suggest that you continue to be gentle with yourself, recognise when you're feeling depleted and reign life in a bit to help you manage and prevent burnout again. I'm currently at this stage, I don't yet if it's working, time will tell on that, and I may need to periodically make adjustments, which you may need to also.

Wishing you the best.