Help for partner struggling in work

I work in retail too i always feel like im too awkward to put mt side across and i have to really push my self when an if check is needed sometimes i withdraw and have to mask this withdrawl and put on a fake smile to customers and co workers 

Im not 100 percebt i have autism but i think i do but it since being in retail i have noriced it as retsil is forcee social situations not ones i chose to do

I dont know if thks woule suit ylur partner but cleaning is a much more mindfull job with way less preseure i only swapped to retail as its way more pay

Wow, some incredible advice here, sounds epic, I agree with it all.

It's hard to be able to give advice without knowing all the aspects and what the current situation is at the moment. As you say your partner has been in and out of jobs for awhile, it sounds like this current employer may be a good place to remain.

I don't know where you are in the country, but there may be a local form of Advocacy who may be able to help, for an example of a Dewsbury based company who offer the service, I include for reference a link to Cloverleaf Advocay: https://cloverleaf-advocacy.co.uk/

They work with a range of people who are finding it difficult to communicate with bodies of people (Doctors, Lawyers, Council Members etc.) giving advice and support in certain situations.

I would recommend that going to the management with a company like this to state a case for reconciliation would be a progressive move forward.  What I personally would like to see in a meeting is

- the opportunity to your partner to explain what happened, that they felt defensive and upset at the criticism.  That this possibly came from a lifetime of living with Autism, and having to face bullying, ridicule, insults related to acting in NeuroDiv ways not understood.

- the opportunity for your partner to say, although this is true, they understand that accusing his employers of mismanagement and failure to do their job was wrong and has lead to deterioration of their working relation, and to apologise for the upset caused. 

- finally a chance to explain how important this job is to them, that they value it, and value being a part of the team and wish to make amends and return to a better working relationship - be friends again.

This has the potential to go completely the other way (i.e. go really well), if your partner can make the awesome move to put themselves on the line, open up, take responsibility and show a genuine interest in the business and management, they could end up coming out of this in a really good position.

Good luck,

Yeah, and even today, I had to call a manager back, just because our first conversation didn't go so well, so I decided to call them back to clear the air. 

Miscommunications happen sometimes, but as long as you try to explain things in a sensible way, then at least that's respected. Speaking up for yourself and being assertive is a skill, and I hope your boyfriend can learn those skills in time.  

LOL this must be my people-pleasing masking Iain!

Iain said:

Acknowledging that you don't know what to do and asking for their sagely advice on how to rectify this (and hence make you a better minion) will make them feel they were wise to spot the mistake and are revered by being asked for advice.

Yup, we autists don't see people in hierarchies, but we do need to pretend if we want to fit in with NT society. I've had complete numpties and egotistical narcissists as managers, even if you know more than them, pretend you don't, ask their advice occasionally to remind them of their superiority nonsense. It's all about proving you can do the job and aren't going to cause problems your manager needs to solve. Maybe we need to teach kids more masking techniques until the world is more accepting?

The only way I coped with this masking is living on my own, so I have the right balance.

Fiona said:

Jane apologises for making a mistake, asks how they can fix it, how they can avoid making the same mistake in future, and how they can help other people not making the same mistake by adding to the induction/training.  

This is a core employment survival skill - one more of us need to be aware of.

It may grate for those who only see in black and white / right and wrong but neurotypicals do not have this rigid approach and will not agree with it when it appears to be attacking them or their "world".

Annoying as it sounds, management are best treated with some "headology" - learn when to take a hit of criticism in order to survive without coming back with a counterattack. Acknowledging that you don't know what to do and asking for their sagely advice on how to rectify this (and hence make you a better minion) will make them feel they were wise to spot the mistake and are revered by being asked for advice.

At times it can be sickening, certainly with some individuals, but it helps keep your job, stops you being shortlisted for the unpleasant tasks and can even win the management over to supporting you more in future.

Been there, done that, lost a job or two over the years over it and learned this defence mechanism works well.

I think any expert (here I use the term loosely to make the point - the employer is the 'expert' in the role/business, your partner is the novice) would bristle at being told they had not done something properly. Employers generally have induction and training programmes for employees which cover most of what they need to know. There will always be unknown situations that crop up, and managers want to see how employees respond to them, partly to assess the level of responsibility/trust they can give that employee. 

People who work in a team environment need to be able to respond to feedback - critical and constructive. Yes, we sometimes feel defensive about being criticised, but we have to find our way of making this acceptable. My way is to think that the organisation is not criticising a person per se, it is being clearer about its expectations. This can only be a good thing, leading to not making the same mistake in future and learning from a mistake. Your partner perhaps needs to be able to turn this around to something positive in a similar way?

Imagine in this situation you have 2 autistic employees Jane and Sue who are in this exact situation. Jane apologises for making a mistake, asks how they can fix it, how they can avoid making the same mistake in future, and how they can help other people not making the same mistake by adding to the induction/training.  Sue doesn't apologise for the mistake and blames the manager for not training them properly, by implication blaming the company for not preparing them in a way they understand for this role.

Which one of these people would you allow to pass probation into permanent employment, that might be working with/for you for years?

This may come across that I think this is easy, but it comes from many years of workplace bullying in various roles and having to negotiate this kind of thing, and also experience of being a manager. If I was the manager here, a letter written to me and my manager might help, outlining the situation and a reflective assessment of their behaviour, what their intention had been, where they think they might have misjudged, what the consequences have been, how they have learned and what they will try to avoid in future, asking for another chance/extended probation period, and whether or not they think they are really suited for this post. If they really want to keep the job, any such letter would probably be kept on their HR file. Or they could find another job and start all over again, but hopefully having learned something. So it depends what your partner wants to decide/compromise on.

Hello there, thank you so much. This is great advice and good to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation! 

The learning that happens at work, does not stop after being trained. Learning is an on-going process, it's "Learn as you go," even at times for managers. There's learning resources and reference guides placed across the store. Employers who are sensible, will understand that new employees will make mistakes, and that's why they'll say things like"if you don't know something, ask for help," and then if the employee doesn't know, they'll teach the employee correctly.

But if an employee doesn't know how to do something, and then turns around and goes "I was not trained properly" it'll come across as putting blaming the employer for the employee's mistake, and that will be taken as if the employee was not appreciative of the training they have received, nor the opportunity that was given to the employee to work there. 

I'd advise that he just ask to speak with the senior manager in private, bring up the situation where he made a mistake and explained that he was not trained properly, and apologize if it came across as rude because he didn't mean it to, and that he appreciates the opportunity to work there. Hopefully his employer will have a change of heart after that.

I've also done things that was miscommunicated and taken the wrong way, and even though I don't like confrontations, I do it, just so there's a chance at resolution to problems. I know how bad things can get if people are lead by negative assumptions of you, and then start treating you unwell because of it. People are a lot nicer if they understand that there's no bad intentions behind what you've said. I hope things get resolved. 

I'm really sorry to hear of your partner's struggles, and of the pressure that your relationship is under.

Please see this resource about suicide, which explains how to get help and support, which sounds like it's urgently needed. It includes the advice that "Anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts should call 999 or go to a hospital A&E department":

NAS - Suicide

There are also mental health-related resources here:

NAS - Mental health

The NAS also has some resources covering employment support, which include advice about workplace bullying:

NAS - Support at work – a guide for autistic people