Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello
My partner recently started a new job in retail. He was really enjoying it at first and was told he would pass his probation but then he made a mistake as he hadn't been trained properly. He was contacted by a senior manager for the mistake he made and he explained he was not trained properly. After this, his boss turned on him and the boss has made all the others in the team turn on him too. The boss will now not respond to his texts and messages if he has a query and he feels so isolated now.
He spoke about this to an autism support service who told him he was being rude standing up to his boss and now he feels even worse and actually suicidal.
My partner is awaiting an autism diagnosis and did not disclose this to his employer, he feels so lost now as he has been in so many jobs and let go and he feels bullied and picked on. He's been desperate to find remote work but no one responds.
Apologies for the rant, but if anyone has any advice on what he should do next it would be really appreciated.
We are at breaking point in our relationship too as I am finding it mentally exhausting but also love him too and he has no money and no where else to live.
I think any expert (here I use the term loosely to make the point - the employer is the 'expert' in the role/business, your partner is the novice) would bristle at being told they had not done something properly. Employers generally have induction and training programmes for employees which cover most of what they need to know. There will always be unknown situations that crop up, and managers want to see how employees respond to them, partly to assess the level of responsibility/trust they can give that employee.
People who work in a team environment need to be able to respond to feedback - critical and constructive. Yes, we sometimes feel defensive about being criticised, but we have to find our way of making this acceptable. My way is to think that the organisation is not criticising a person per se, it is being clearer about its expectations. This can only be a good thing, leading to not making the same mistake in future and learning from a mistake. Your partner perhaps needs to be able to turn this around to something positive in a similar way?
Imagine in this situation you have 2 autistic employees Jane and Sue who are in this exact situation. Jane apologises for making a mistake, asks how they can fix it, how they can avoid making the same mistake in future, and how they can help other people not making the same mistake by adding to the induction/training. Sue doesn't apologise for the mistake and blames the manager for not training them properly, by implication blaming the company for not preparing them in a way they understand for this role.
Which one of these people would you allow to pass probation into permanent employment, that might be working with/for you for years?
This may come across that I think this is easy, but it comes from many years of workplace bullying in various roles and having to negotiate this kind of thing, and also experience of being a manager. If I was the manager here, a letter written to me and my manager might help, outlining the situation and a reflective assessment of their behaviour, what their intention had been, where they think they might have misjudged, what the consequences have been, how they have learned and what they will try to avoid in future, asking for another chance/extended probation period, and whether or not they think they are really suited for this post. If they really want to keep the job, any such letter would probably be kept on their HR file. Or they could find another job and start all over again, but hopefully having learned something. So it depends what your partner wants to decide/compromise on.
Fiona said: Jane apologises for making a mistake, asks how they can fix it, how they can avoid making the same mistake in future, and how they can help other people not making the same mistake by adding to the induction/training.
This is a core employment survival skill - one more of us need to be aware of.
It may grate for those who only see in black and white / right and wrong but neurotypicals do not have this rigid approach and will not agree with it when it appears to be attacking them or their "world".
Annoying as it sounds, management are best treated with some "headology" - learn when to take a hit of criticism in order to survive without coming back with a counterattack. Acknowledging that you don't know what to do and asking for their sagely advice on how to rectify this (and hence make you a better minion) will make them feel they were wise to spot the mistake and are revered by being asked for advice.
At times it can be sickening, certainly with some individuals, but it helps keep your job, stops you being shortlisted for the unpleasant tasks and can even win the management over to supporting you more in future.
Been there, done that, lost a job or two over the years over it and learned this defence mechanism works well.
LOL this must be my people-pleasing masking Iain!
Iain said:Acknowledging that you don't know what to do and asking for their sagely advice on how to rectify this (and hence make you a better minion) will make them feel they were wise to spot the mistake and are revered by being asked for advice.
Yup, we autists don't see people in hierarchies, but we do need to pretend if we want to fit in with NT society. I've had complete numpties and egotistical narcissists as managers, even if you know more than them, pretend you don't, ask their advice occasionally to remind them of their superiority nonsense. It's all about proving you can do the job and aren't going to cause problems your manager needs to solve. Maybe we need to teach kids more masking techniques until the world is more accepting?
The only way I coped with this masking is living on my own, so I have the right balance.