Dating (35+ Female Reponses Only, Sorry Guys)

I started going out for 6 mile countryside walks yesterday. I just wanted you to know that I truly thankful for your response and hopefully for not seeing my post as creepy or hateful. Your reply has helped so much you have no idea.

Can I suggest going for a walk, in the countryside, or as close to that as you can get? I walk my dogs and often stop and chat with people (well I generally smile at them then we may have a quick chat). I see many, many people without dogs that walk, run, bike and occasionally some will strike up conversations with me.  That way there is also a subject to start the conversation (my dogs). 

Internet dating is horrible. I’ve also realised that I'm pretty much destined to be alone, but that’s because I don’t think I’m particularly good at chatting with people in any situation, until I know someone a bit better. 

Forgot to add, I wouldn’t want to get someone arrested for purely chatting with me. Although I’m female, and mostly friendly, I also have a good set of lungs on me, enough to make someone think twice about doing something they shouldn’t. 

Dear TigerOfWar40K,

We would like to remind you of rule 5 of our community:

Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.   

Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod

Being vulnerable, being emotionally available, once basic compatibility has been worked out, is a necessary part of forming a romantic relationship. This is except with the very small proportion of women who have been psychologically damaged and find monolithically stoical and callous men attractive.

Hi. I know that your title did not have that in mind. I tried to explain how it comes across. These are different things. You seemed to be asking advice on how you could improve your interactions with women, and I was trying to do just that.

There was an implication that a desire not to be approached is just down to politics and not due to a very real visceral fear. This idea was then subsequently doubled down on by you and other posters. When it has nothing to do with politics at all. Especially if there is the perception that if they said the wrong thing or disagreed with your worldview there would then be anger.

I wish you well.

I just read what this thread has become, and it's not the first time that a thread was lead astray by politics. But I just wanted you to know that your voice is just as important as any of the others.

That being said, many survivors of abuse have an all-or-nothing, black-and-white type of thinking, from growing up in a dynamic with a power imbalance, that you're always wrong (failure, loser, not listened to, etc.) While they're always right (successful, winner, listened to, etc.). But any time that you notice that using words that are fixed, like "can't" or "always" as if it's 100% that way and never going to change, question those things. For example, "Is it really always going to be a lose-lose?" Just to try and open up more pathways, to untangle yourself from being stuck, and to try something new.

Ideally, you want to let go of this win-or-lose mentality, because winning or losing should not impact your value and worth as a human being. If you were working on something and something went wrong, if you take it personally you'll say things like "I'm a failure," but you should actually try and take things impersonally, like "that thing failed. Let me think of how to fix it."  And that way, you engage your problem-solving abilities, and not your self-loathing abilities. The more you practice something, the better you get at it, and I'd like to think that if all you've ever practiced was self-criticism for hours and hours a day,  then that's what you'll get better at, criticizing yourself. Instead, putting in the hours to something that benefits you, rather than something that tears you down, would be in your best interest to do. 

I hope everything in life works out for you. 

I'm not offended my friend. I am only offended when those who are preaching against hate and hate speech, are using bigoted words themselves. If there is no forgiveness and empathy for some one crying out for help to change, it tells me everything I need to know about how the world operates. Thank you for your response.  

That is literally all I said in my original post. Help me. I am learning a lot. 

My title did not have that in mind. I was ONLY asking for women of my age or more to help me understand how they feel etc and to put any advice into practice, for the betterment of myself as I am sick to death of living in negativity and having this mindset. 

Iain said:

be willing to be vulnerable

no

i don't do vulnerable

sure, the rest

The opposite of vulnerable, whatever  that is, i think i need to be more of. Yeah, my mind is made up. psychotcally so on this point.

MrProblematic said:

Do I go up and talk to a woman and risk being jailed? Or do I smile from afar and risk being jailed?

This is a real problem for many men now and I asked my wife what her (stong feminist) thoughts were.

She said that because many women have endured a lot of male targetting in their lives that they are always on the defensive and often get angry when confronted by mens attentions in the ways we probably grew up understanding as the "normal" way to engage in chatting someone up.

So essentially she suggests don't go up and try to chat a lady up - instead do it in a setting where they are open to this interactions like a speed dating event or singles night.

Forget any chatup lines you may have learned and try to be genuine with them but more than anything ask if it is ok to chat, tell them you are looking for a partner and are in the finding a "friend first" stage and could you chat to them.

Also recommended are:

1 - ask about them and pay attention to the answers.

2 - talk about how you feel about the subjects you talk about. Emotional connection is important for many neurotypicals.

3 - be willing to be vulnerable but don't let yourself be taken advantage of. By that is it ok to say you feel sad about something, but also talk about positive emotions as well. Don't go along if you don't feel the same (eg don't get pulled into pro-Palestine protests off the back of this).

4 - be open to talking about things out of your comfort zone but be prepared to admit a lack of knowledge on it. Don't know much about breeding cats then be open to being educated...

5 - find common ground where possible.

6 - Don't tell them what they want to hear if it isn' the truth. If they say they want to have 6 babies with a potential husband and you don't then be prepared to move on and not waste their time and yours.

I think that covers what she suggested. I hope some of it helps.

Thank you, but it doesn't help when influencers are making people out to be scary. Not everyone has evil in mind - well 97% of the world doesn't anyway. Masking, is exhausting, putting on a smile, a brave face and dressing sharp with a caviller attitude? You can't win. You go up to people looking miserable or emotionless? You can't win. It's always lose-lose sadly. Thank you for your response. 

Also, if my post was read as it is in it's rawest form, I think that the very thought of being so transparent frightens people. I did write that I would like to change my ways. That was a paraphrase for (before it's too late, please help me to become a better person). Well spotted Peter. I had to leave a fundamentalist cult because of my skewed views and depression, I gave up everything and joined the clown world for a bit, but even then, it was just another cult, but far worse, with the same structure of doctrine, worship this and don't do that etc and so on.

I honestly give up. This is why I remain introverted. But, that would mean I am backing down from getting help, running away from the naked truth about myself. How is asking for help before it goes too far to change one's life and perception of things to something of positivity - hate? How is that hate?

You hit the nail right on the head Peter. Thank you. 

P.S. 'Problematic' was a word used against me in my childhood by fundamentalist cult members who should have helped me to grow and understand the word, but rather ended up beating me, verbally abusing me and assuming I am a devil child. ***

[edited by moderator] 

MrProblematic said:

No wonder this world is in such a state.

Ghostbusters franchise was ruined. That's just not on, you know what I mean

I saw nothing wrong. Inclusion means that everyone has a say and shouldn't be lambasted for it. Inclusion is to include everyone and teach rather than put down. People in your position are only making things worse. I have been through all of that and this is why I am so damaged. I took too many mulligans in life, I ran away to too many safe spaces and it's done nothing but damage me and the best I can get as a response is someone pushing ideology upon me. I am autistic and proud of it and if my views because of emotional and psychological abuse are the way they are, then that is a good thing because I do not want to associate with anyone who wants to feel superior and put others down, only to be backed up and attacked by admins.

No wonder this world is in such a state.

Dear Peter, 

We would like to remind you of rule 5:

Be nice to one another and enjoy chatting with others. We encourage conversation and respectful debate; please be aware that individuals may give opinions which are not shared by other members. Insulting posts or comments making personal jibes will not be tolerated.   

Kind Regards,
Rosie Mod

I know how the world works, I know all too well

Please pay no atention to the woke anti crowd. They love to find fault with every little thing and always asume the worst about every situation. They are best ignored. If you run off when they critisise you it just reinforces their delusional belife that their critasisems were right and logical. They live in a bubble where they scream down any critasisem of their views so they don't have to engage with it logically. You can't take their vitriolic responce to anything that doesn't fit with their world view personally. If they don't vilify that which chalenges their views they'd have to engage with it rationally and then their entire world view might colapse.

They're only picking on you because your experence of the world chalenges their preconcived notions of the way the world works.

I find your responce problematic. He exprese anxiaty arount NTs unfairly interpriting his aproches as harasment and you critisise his 'midset towards women' which sounds a lot like a euphamistic way of accusing him of being a mysogynist. Now was that really a reasonable conclusion to jump to based on what he said?

Derailed train hits potemkin village. Off to the gulag, George.

Recap. I came in here offered some friendly advice and STUFF.

Seems there was a cleanup on the aisle.

Then maybe something happened while I was in dreamland

Now this dude is uh....different