Published on 12, July, 2020
It seems impossible for me to trust women. This is not because of being jilted via having been cheated on, several broken relationships leaving me wonder what in the blue h*** I have done, standing on a train station platform, bewildered and consequently being depressed for months on end feeling unwanted, proceeding to then start losing weight again (I'm 18st, part belly, part muscle lol), fix myself up with new teeth and so on.It is more to do with the current political climate that I see all around me. Do I go up and talk to a woman and risk being jailed? Or do I smile from afar and risk being jailed? Or do I simply stay lonely? My mother was abusive, my late Grandmother, overprotective, social workers acting upon misandry and falsehoods, libel and the like since childhood.I would like a female companion long term some day, but I have already planned to grow old alone because that seems easier. However, since my diagnosis, I am open to perhaps asking for help before I am accused of misogyny again. I am not a misogynist, I just have trust issues since my recent break up and all I want, is a best friend forever, who will love me with all of my flaws, including my impressions, maybe play some Magic The Gathering of an evening, watch Jurassic Park, play some retro games, or just a simple snuggle up with some Rick & Morty and a Pizza now and again. Evening walks just as the sun is setting etc.Anyway, enough cringe from me. It would mean a lot to me if you ladies could help me change my perspective. I really do believe in love, accepting people for who they are, despite flaws, arguing then making up again with a cup of tea and perhaps a good laugh. I will embrace a female companion who is autistic as well as I think we may get on better together with our understanding, growing up and evolving our knowledge. You never know it could have a positive impact on the world.Someone to spend time with. As I said, enough cringe from me. Remember, female responses only. This is not a dating ad, more oversharing about my want to change and move on in life, with or without a best friend.Take care and thank you for taking the time to read this.
MrProblematic said:since my diagnosis, I am open to perhaps asking for help
Sorry: to hear how tough things have felt for you recently.
Pleased: to see you have reached out to the Community.
Hoping: you will continue to do so.
Even if asking for help might not be something you have been comfortable with / accustomed to before due to historic experiences; it is good to hear that you have been thinking differently about things - by using your Autism diagnosis to help give you the condidence to think about exploring different approaches towards your goals and moving forwards taking into account some of that new knowledge.
As a younger woman; I was once asked by a young man (while we were just acquaintances): "do you think we might have some things in common?". This really impressed me. Please note: he didn't ask me what I thought about his looks. People who establish long-term relationships often start by having shared hobbies / interests / outlooks on life / approaches to problem-solving.
I believe that people who, over time, become a trusted friend (or a life partner); are very likely to do so because they enjoy sharing your company while visiting places, sharing pastimes, or being of similar mind and emotion when working through life's challenges along the journey together.
In your post you started to list some of your interests - if I were in your situation: I would want to build upon that stable platform of interests and then be bold about finding those likely physical locations, venues and interest groups plus the equivalent internet sites where likeminded people might be encountered.
It also might be worth considering that: women often notice a LOT more about the people in their surroundings than they are likely to demonstrate at the time. You might need to be prepared for women to see you e.g. several / many times at a venue or attending an interest group / participating in an online group - before they were to feel comfortable about starting / joining a conversation with you.
Best wishes for your endeavour.
Hey! First of all I am sorry to read you made negative experiences with women. My relationships started completely different than yours. All men I have been with (this now sounds like it were many, but that isnt the case) were my friends before. That flirting or asking out thing never really was my thing as I do not feel attracted to people by their looks, only by their personality. If the personality is not a match I would get an ick of anyone getting close to me, so more or less special with this. A week ago I found out this is called demisexual (I am not a friend of giving everything a fancy word or a stamp as it appears since the introduction of so many new things/words people get more and more offended by things that were fine before and the more there are separations with words the more people likely get offended by the actions of others - sorry I drifted off a little).A positive effect of being a friend of someone and maybe going into a relationship afterwards is that both of you know what you are going into, kinda. Often relationships fail due to not really knowing a person. Some people get tired of each other, others think thats not the guy I got to know and they might break up, others cheat sadly. So how about you change your way you approach? Find new friends and see if there is a match. Takes pressure away and might reward you with a friend or a girlfriend. I am not able to judge the political climate as I am extremely likely not living in the same country you are living. But there is such as a small town mentality in case you are living in a smaller city. Perfect example where I am living, noticing it every day with the customers I have to communicate with. Been living in various cities and all was fine there, just this small town mentality not my thing. And not seeing you as misogynist at all. I have been called a misogynist as well due to bad experiences with women in friendships which I only stated and since years "only" have male friends, but its not a choice it is just how it is, so I get that. Id be also suspicious if I was you and then having an inner monologue with myself about not judging people by past experiences and going in all neutral and thats how I try to roll (I am not sure thats a valid saying, I keep making them up and as I am not a native speaker mistakes happen).PS: MtG is an excellent choice, playing that as well with my boyfriend.Oh and I forgot one thing as you were speaking of your optics. Personally I wouldnt care about all of that as long as a person looks cared and most women I knew prefered a "real" belly over one with muscles as it feels nicer. I do not know you neither I am able to judge anything by the clues you gave, though they were good and gave me some kind of impression, but maybe its not about the optics and its more about the way you behave. Maybe you want to approach too much which may be shown in your body language and this might look not "natural" and throw some women off? I have no idea, just going wild with ideas. I know if id notice someone tries way too hard it would push me away and that is something a lot of people agree with, I recall. But it might as well be the case that you are just unlucky. The only way to see if you were unlucky is to keep going, so dont give up. If you dont keep trying you "lost" already and thats no option. Despite all said it in theory doesnt matter what the reason is things didnt work out so far. You want someone for life, I fully agree with this mindset....and if a person is not wanting to get to know you for an odd T-Shirt or weird movement this one anyway doesnt sound like a good pick, so I personally would see it as in "things sorted themselves and its good that way, no late disappointment". So just keep going, maybe expand your area of approach (I havent found a proper word for this I am sorry).If anything I said was offensive I am sorry for it. I tried my best, but I am rather a "freestyler" when it comes to speaking and I do not always notice if I say something "bad". Things just come out of my mouth how they come out is how I usually I am which I know causes often negative reactions, so I am not very experiences with proper wording, also not a native speaker as you extremely likely noticed.
Could you delete my discussions and my account please? I will be signing out permanently and not responding to other notifications. To be told that political climates are belittling, is belittling to me as well because again it's the left silencing people all the time. I am sick and tired of being oppressed by those fighting oppression. I don't want help to stop the way I feel about leaving this world, I wish to be left alone because with the responses I have had, this world is not worth living in.
I am sorry that you feel like giving up on the site. As an older male, please let me give you some thoughts, if you are still here.
The person that you reacted to was actually trying to give you good advice. I think that you over reacted to it. Pouring your heart out or not, other people's opinions are valid.
It is unhealthy to think that a problem is due to the rest of the world, when you have the power to adapt and improve.
Almost every other person on this site has their own issues and problems. Things can be triggering for them, in the same way that you were triggered by the word "problematic". Relationships are only ever a two way street and you were asking for advice.
I hope that you will indulge some advice on why your post came across poorly.
Firstly, the title itself asking only women to reply. This comes across a bit predatorial.
Secondly, blaming the political climate belittles hard earned advances in society made for woman shows a lack of understanding on why certain behaviours are seen as creepy.
I won't go on, but there are some things that you could work on in order to achieve your goal.
I short, a question about relationships implies the needs of two people, not just one.
Good luck!
50s autistic female here, what you say resonates to me too. All the relationships I've had, I initiated contact for various reasons. None lasted more than 3 years (my masking probably made me change to fit around them more than I liked) and all ended because I didn't like who I had become to be part of a couple with them, or they were seeing someone else and 'couldn't decide' who they preferred so I decided for them. One was really clingy, we only did things as a couple and I lost contact with friends... I was never brave enough to approach the person I liked the most, ironically enough.
I'd recommend approaching people with a fairly neutral suggestion or question. I know we are quite direct, but it takes time to get to know someone and their interests, and I've probably scared people off by being too trusting too quickly. It's risky putting yourself out there, and there is a high risk of rejection, but the more we are around people with similar interests the more opportunities we have.
The problem I find is that most people I socialise with, whether it is at work or interest groups, are already 'coupled up', maybe we should have a badge to identify ourselves... Another one is that even best friends' lives change and they move on, or their priorities change, so the relationship is constantly changing, which doesn't always suit our need for consistency. My best advice is to be content on your own, but keep trying for that wee bit extra.
Dear Mr Problematic,
Thank you for posting and telling the community what you are going through. We are sorry to hear that you are currently experiencing depression and feeling unwanted. It is good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.
If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support
The National Autistic Society does not currently operate a crisis or emergency service. We advise you to contact 999 or any of the mental health crisis lines listed on our Urgent Help Page if you are at risk of immediate harm: https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help
If you are not at immediate risk of harm, we would encourage you to speak to your GP or another health professional about this if you haven’t done so already. If it’s outside your GP hours call 111 to reach the NHS 111 service: https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/
You may like to have a look at the mental health section of our website which has useful links to information and advice about a range of mental health issues: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health
The following information about depression may be of particular interest: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/depression
Help for anyone struggling to cope
In addition, you may want to visit our pages on socialising and relationships https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships
You mention that you would like your thread deleted, please contact the communitymanager@nas.org.uk mailbox with requests of this nature, or see our FAQs page.
Kind Regards, Rosie Mod
This is why I hate this world. Problematic? I'm prohibited from being honest and asking for help? I've asked for this thread to be deleted as well as my account. I came to the forums for help and advice, not to be insulted and called names. How dare you. Responses like yours do not help. I should've not bothered at all. I always have to meet someone who hates what I say when all I'm doing is asking for help. Problematic? Your response was, my post pouring my heart wasn't. You win. May as well be dead!
It is more to do with the current political climate that I see all around me. Do I go up and talk to a woman and risk being jailed? Or do I smile from afar and risk being jailed?
Err what? You’ve said some problematic things which highlight your mindset towards women, one such example bolded above…I would work on the issues you have around women before trying to start a relationship.
In general, having people approach you, rather than you having to approaching them, is the main thing. People approach you because they want to. You approach people because...? People don't know why you want to approach them, and they might get scared and come up with their own reasons for why you're approaching them, and likely none of them are good reasons in their mind.
But people will approach you because they are interested in something about you. What kind of social situations contribute to an environment that supports that? The clichés about a talented musician, or the successful entrepreneur, are known, not because you should become someone you're not, but that you should take the things you know and are interested in, and expand upon them, enough to get others interested in what you're doing. Hopefully with enough people interested, someone who shares similar interests and values as you do.
Many people grow up abused, myself inclined, but that's not said to diminish your experiences in life. That's just to say that the people who were supposed to take care of you and teach you the things you need to know in life, didn't, so you have to teach yourself those things later in life, while also trying to undo the damage they've done to you. So hopefully things will work out for you in the long-run.
There's plenty of hot chicks out there, Just gotta sell yourself. I wouldn't talk too much about the Sega stuff though. I don't think that's helping you.
Yeah, why not? About time I stopped worrying. Thanks mate.
Nah keep it up. Dont give up now, you gotta have confidence.
Woah you're right there mate! I'll delete this in a minute and have a rethink about this topic. ♂️