Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am reaching out to ask how you felt when newly diagnosed as I have recently been diagnosed with both autism and ADHD at age 38 (female) and I am struggling a bit. On one hand, I feel a type of relief that it’s finally recognised but on the other I am sad and angry and questioning who I am after spending my whole life masking my true self. I also feel like I don’t want to wear this heavy burden anymore and I just want to be myself but it’s terrifying.
I am trying to read and learn as much as I can and I have been in talk therapy for a while but I’m not sure my counsellor is very neuroaffirming as she seems to link everything to trauma so I feel worried about talking to her about my feelings on this.
I have imposter syndrome and worry I’m not even autistic at all because my own preconceptions of autism are so wrong.
I guess I’d just like to speak to other people who may understand what I’m going through and offer some wisdom on how you’ve experienced this and navigated life going forwards? Thank you.
I definitely need something different so thank you for the recommendation. I am thinking of putting it on pause at the moment or at least cutting down so I can figure out how to move forwards with therapy in general as I do like having somewhere to talk but I want it in a way that is actually useful for me. I’m glad my post helped you feel better, it is good to know it’s not just me that feels this way too.
I understand. Well, hopefully that book will help you make an informed decision. I'm still debating whether to change. I'm on a break from therapy for now. I am hoping that she reads the book herself as I subtly mentioned it when thanking her for her support.
It's nice when other people have had the same experience. You've made me feel better... and it was your post, not mine
Oh wow you’ve hit the nail on the head. I literally cannot feel anything anywhere and I understand that she’s trying in the way she knows how, but it does not work for me, nor does sitting there pretending I’m in a sunny meadow doing deep breathing. She was supportive with my ADHD diagnosis but then asked if I knew that it was linked to trauma, which I don’t believe. I didn’t push back on this as I am so used to just keeping quiet in order to not offend anyone or get too passionate or intense. So since then, I have been reticent to talk to her about going for an autism diagnosis or that I’ve even been diagnosed as I don’t want to feel any more invalidated.
It's good that you have realised that. I was the same. I loved my therapist and would ideally keep her. Brilliant for the offloading - but just like you. "Where do you feel this?", "How do you feel about that?", "Imagine this a a ball of light in your left toe" (I made the last one up, but it was something like that ) Before I knew what alexithymia was, I kept on saying that I can't do that, or I can't think that way. To be fair to her, when I said myself that I was begging to think that I was autistic, she was really supportive and said something really helpful when I was doubting myself.
My therapist has been good up until this point (for offloading) but the further on I have got with her the more apparent it is that I have alexithymia and I am aware that all of the practices she tries with me of getting me to connect to my feelings or feel my feelings are pretty pointless the majority of the time. This has lead me to wonder if I need a therapist who is familiar with autism to move forwards. I shall check out the book, thank you.
Thank you Bunny. I definitely do feel the relief but as I have lived many years not facing who I truly am, I feel quite overwhelmed at the moment and I really want to go in the right direction of living as authentically going forwards as I can.
Hi BrokenBiscuit, and welcome!
Therapy is tricky - have a look at "The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy" by Steph Jones. It does go into how some neuro typical approaches may be wrong and possibly harmful. You could raise this idea with your counsellor - if they are touchy about it and don't want to hear, they may be wrong for you. Have a look at the book first.
Thank you for your response Mr T. I think it’s useful for me to read other people’s experiences more than anything and to know that I’m not alone in these very confusing feelings.
Welcome and congratulations on your diagnoses!
It's wonderful that you're already enjoying some of the benefits that can come with a diagnosis (you mention feeling relieved).
During the period following a diagnosis - and for late-diagnosed autistic adults in particular - it can be common to experience some emotional dysregulation. This can include, for example, working through a phase where we experience (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving and more.
This may help to explain why you're currently feeling sad and angry.
Questioning your diagnosis can also be common, too.
The NAS has a newly refreshed set of articles focused around diagnosis, including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months:
How you might feel after a diagosis: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis/how-will-i-feel-after-receiving-an-autism-diagnosi
Other advice covering post-diagnosis: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/after-diagnosis
Hi and welcome to the forum.
The feelings you describe are exactly how I felt when I got my diagnosis last year. I wish there was some magic bullet that would make everything better but I'm afraid that there is not. The best thing to do is read and learn about autism and yourself.
Be kind to yourself when you grieve for the past buts and ifs. It will take time and I am sure someone further along their journey will impart their lived truths.