Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am reaching out to ask how you felt when newly diagnosed as I have recently been diagnosed with both autism and ADHD at age 38 (female) and I am struggling a bit. On one hand, I feel a type of relief that it’s finally recognised but on the other I am sad and angry and questioning who I am after spending my whole life masking my true self. I also feel like I don’t want to wear this heavy burden anymore and I just want to be myself but it’s terrifying.
I am trying to read and learn as much as I can and I have been in talk therapy for a while but I’m not sure my counsellor is very neuroaffirming as she seems to link everything to trauma so I feel worried about talking to her about my feelings on this.
I have imposter syndrome and worry I’m not even autistic at all because my own preconceptions of autism are so wrong.
I guess I’d just like to speak to other people who may understand what I’m going through and offer some wisdom on how you’ve experienced this and navigated life going forwards? Thank you.
Hi BrokenBiscuit, and welcome!
Therapy is tricky - have a look at "The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy" by Steph Jones. It does go into how some neuro typical approaches may be wrong and possibly harmful. You could raise this idea with your counsellor - if they are touchy about it and don't want to hear, they may be wrong for you. Have a look at the book first.
My therapist has been good up until this point (for offloading) but the further on I have got with her the more apparent it is that I have alexithymia and I am aware that all of the practices she tries with me of getting me to connect to my feelings or feel my feelings are pretty pointless the majority of the time. This has lead me to wonder if I need a therapist who is familiar with autism to move forwards. I shall check out the book, thank you.
It's good that you have realised that. I was the same. I loved my therapist and would ideally keep her. Brilliant for the offloading - but just like you. "Where do you feel this?", "How do you feel about that?", "Imagine this a a ball of light in your left toe" (I made the last one up, but it was something like that ) Before I knew what alexithymia was, I kept on saying that I can't do that, or I can't think that way. To be fair to her, when I said myself that I was begging to think that I was autistic, she was really supportive and said something really helpful when I was doubting myself.
I definitely need something different so thank you for the recommendation. I am thinking of putting it on pause at the moment or at least cutting down so I can figure out how to move forwards with therapy in general as I do like having somewhere to talk but I want it in a way that is actually useful for me. I’m glad my post helped you feel better, it is good to know it’s not just me that feels this way too.