Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone,
before I begin, I'm very new here and I've already done an over-shary post about my conundrum - I just wanted to double check it is okay for me to participate in the community while going through the journey of figuring out neurodivergence (I'm at the "need to decide whether to do an assessment" stage). Let me know if this is okay.
This is something has been floating in my head tonight and thought to see if there are any late diagnosed adults who could share their takes.
I just recently read someone's youtube comment on the fact that they were taught as children to look at people's lips instead of making eye contact, and it got me thinking...
One of the first thing I thought regarding my own eye contact while going through traits is "of course I don't have difficulties with it", and other people told me so as well when opening up about it.
But then I soon after remembered that I've been focusing on reading lips since I'm a teen, and that I remember consciously deciding to do so to either "help myself hear better" (partially because I've always had a bit of a problem with listening) and because "it would be cool to be able to read lips"... I also have an interesting tendency to stare at strangers (or random things), that sometimes gets me into trouble (and defo got me into trouble as a kid with parents).
After realising that, I've started somehow noticing how, when I look at people's eye during a conversation, it feels like there's some sort of horror movie style dramatic zoom situation happening in my head, or that, if I don't, I barely remember even looking at the person (if not for the lip trick).
So I guess, in a way, I kinda automatically taught myself how to deal with eye contact?
Has anyone ever experienced anything similar through their journey, or any other interesting story regarding eye contact? I'd be very curious to know!
Thanks again
Hi I am not diagnosed and reached the age where little point going through it. I realized I am autistic after my son was diagnosed and had been doing research on autism. I also realized that my deceased father must have been autistic. I discovered when I joined this forum that difficulties I had that I knew no one else with the same were similar to others on here. For me this was enough, but something you need to decide for yourself.
Regarding your question about eye contact. I remember friends at school and others since asking why I wasn't making eye contact, which made me feel awkward and didn't know what to say. I have learnt to try to look at noses or lips to give the impression of eye contact.
Regarding staring, that is also something I find myself doing at times. Then I don't know where to look. I think sometimes I kind of go into a trance and don't realize at first I am doing it. Or maybe you could call it daydreaming. Sometimes I am just pondering on something random regarding a stranger before I realize I am staring.
No thing as over share here. What ever you are concern it will not be dismissed as not valid. I have been spend very little time on the forum but I wanted to let you know.
In response to your first question, yes, it is fine for you to post on the forums and participate in forum discussions. It's not exclusively for members who have been assessed and received a diagnosis.
Regarding eye contact... I know there are many autists who do struggle with eye contact, and will go out of their way to avoid it. For others (such as myself), it's not a major issue.
In my case, the only instances where I find eye contact difficult is when I'm talking to someone about something I consider deeply embarrassing and feel self-conscious, or when my mother is extremely angry. I've never liked the colour of my mother's eyes, and when she's angry it's almost as though there's a subtle change in the shade of them, which causes me to feel a sense of foreboding, and to want to actively avoid eye contact. It's as though my mother's eyes turn into laser beams that are boring deep into my soul. Just thinking about my mother's scary eyes is enough to make me shudder.
MaxL,
It's really difficult to know how things progress with eye contact. I remember growing up being told to "look at me when I'm talking to you" when my Mum was giving me a row and I didn't want to look at her because I was scared when she was angry. She doesn't remember this.... I also remember growing my hair really long in school so I could hide behind it if I got shy or embarrassed. The only time I felt uncomfortable with eye contact was when I was talking with someone at school/college/uni and I got an "attraction" feeling. Like when your heart leaps and you hope that the other person doesn't pick up on it then you blush because you think they "know". I still get those feelings if I am looking at someone and thinking they are stunning. It's a huge feeling I get so really hard to not believe others can sense it. It sometimes feels like I'm connected to certain people like I've known them all my life when in reality we've been chatting for a short amount of time.
I do think though that shy folks are bullied into making eye contact as it's seen as "rude" not to.... I can see both sides of this argument though as I feel someone isn't listening if they don't look at me when I'm talking but I know some people find it easier to listen when they aren't looking at someone. I find it easier when I am talking to not directly look at someone all the time to process my thoughts but can really listen when directly looking at someone. I'm not sure if this has always been the case but there you go. :-)