Regressed Autism

Hello, 

I am in the same situation, almost exactly. We have to trust that we can collect bits of advice from others on the internet. Maybe change our routines or try new things. 

I am 54 and only at 50 did I find why I was diffrent. Covid changed things for me too as I lost my dad to covid then my mum 2 years later, I am not the person I was, it totally broke me. I find i am just exhausted by the masking and being something I am not. I avoid social situations, reciently I found great peace in building my favourite childhood toy, Lego. I have really regressed, I am still that lost little boy alone building Lego and reading books about my obsession. Of course being Autistic I am only building lego that I had in my childhood, not the modern stuff.

Lets face it we have navigated our way through a world we don't understand for half a century. I have been married for 18 years, no kids by choice, own house, always worked, outwardly a 'normal' person. Inwardly I am exhausted, burnt out by 35 years of work, and coping with the world. My 'out' is in a few months we are relocating to a much cheaper, more rural area where we hope to have a much more simple life away from the busy south east. We can both afford to work min wage jobs and do something we enjoy after taking several months off.

Hi BlueDom and welcome to the forum.

I had no idea I was autistic until I was in my fifties - I obviously had created such a strong mask I had fooled myself. I too had mixed emotions. I still have some days where I think that I wish I had been born neurotypical, it would have made life easier - then I remember that what I like about life is actually due to my autism. I love learning, I love reading fantasy fiction and I love video games. I know no neurotypical women in my age group who enjoy these things. 

Autistic aging is something that is still not really understood, as older autistic adults haven't been studied enough yet to give any guidelines on what to expect. I think that we tend to retain our sense of curiosity and enjoyment of learning new things, maybe also retaining a 'younger' mindset, while struggling more with some things, particularly energy levels and burnout.

I absolutely hated working from home - my home is my sanctuary, not my workplace, and it really caused me mental anguish. I returned to office working as soon as I could, as I preferred the structure and the support from colleagues.

I'm not sure why you feel like you are letting your family down, but it sounds like you may be suffering from depression, which can make us over critical of ourselves. Try to think about what you want, what would make you happy, and try to work towards that. It could be a change in work, either going back to your workplace or getting a new job, it could be planning to go out with the family to do something you might enjoy such as bowling or to a movie, or having a movie night and a takeaway at home once a week. It's important to have something to look forward to. Don't think it's selfish to put yourself first - if you feel happier and stronger you'll then be able to support your family more with any problems they have.

Keep reading and posting questions.

BlueDom said:

Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.

I’ve been working almost entirely from home since March 2020 and I too feel “more autistic”. I wonder if spending so much time alone I’ve dropped my mask somewhat and all my scripts and coping mechanisms take a minute to bring out of archive storage when I  do have to speak to people.

I understand the reasons for lockdown but it will be years before we understand the full consequences.

PS; Welcome!

BlueDom said:

Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.

I would suggest looking closely at this. Nothing has changed other than your knowledge of your condition so all the new found limitations are of your own doing.

BlueDom said:

Most days I honestly don;t know why I bother. What's the point, what's the end goal

That is the great question of life after all - I've pondered this, gazed at my own navel over it and looked at religion, philosophy and a range of things but the same answer keeps coming back.

There is no spoon (quoting the Matrix).

I believe we are organic machines that have evolved over billions of years to have a rudimentary form of self conciousness and there is no goal as such. You are born, you live and then you stop at some stage.

For me the realisation of this was when I chose to retire and live the rest of my life doing what I enjoyed as best I could.

BlueDom said:

Both my son and daughter are autistic, daughter diganosed but son won't entertain it. I just feel like I'm letting them all down, I'm a burden to them.

Since most autism is genetic, you didn't ask for it and you didn't know before they were born so you had no clue - how can you feel this is letting them down.

If your actions now are getting them down then consider changing them. Get a therapist to work through your issues and be better for yourself and your dependants if this is your aim. In essence - do something.

I found that cutting out a lot of the rubbish that gets into our life as we go along helps - find things you all enjoy and take the time for these. Find ways to make your limitations (autism here) less impactful through getting a capable therapist and spend time and energy on improving quality of life.

If there is no afterlife or whatever then don't spend time on the rubbish - ditch social media, get a dog, learn the guitatr or whatever you want to do. Live, love and laugh until you cannot any more. That is a legacy worth leaving for you kids.