Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
First post and I'm glad to be here.
For the last two or three years I've been suffering with, what I can only call autistic regression.
Put simply, I feel more autistic now, at 50, than I have even done in my life.
I was diagnosed at a very early age, 3, and endured the well worn path of therapy, expulsions, constant school changes and some home tutoring,
As a young adult I had perfected my mask to the point that a lot of my family did not realise I was autistic. When I found this out, I had mixed emotions where I was upset that they did not know but proud of the mask I had constructed.
Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.
Most days I honestly don;t know why I bother. What's the point, what's the end goal. Right now I'm just existing and enjoying very little of it. My partner and kids (young adults) are suffering too.
Both my son and daughter are autistic, daughter diganosed but son won't entertain it. I just feel like I'm letting them all down, I'm a burden to them.
I really wish I had taken time out to be my autistic self instead of trying to be like everyone else.
My head hurts. Sorry, just wanted to rant to people who may, at least, have some understanding of what I am trying to articulate.
Hi BlueDom and welcome to the forum.
I had no idea I was autistic until I was in my fifties - I obviously had created such a strong mask I had fooled myself. I too had mixed emotions. I still have some days where I think that I wish I had been born neurotypical, it would have made life easier - then I remember that what I like about life is actually due to my autism. I love learning, I love reading fantasy fiction and I love video games. I know no neurotypical women in my age group who enjoy these things.
Autistic aging is something that is still not really understood, as older autistic adults haven't been studied enough yet to give any guidelines on what to expect. I think that we tend to retain our sense of curiosity and enjoyment of learning new things, maybe also retaining a 'younger' mindset, while struggling more with some things, particularly energy levels and burnout.
I absolutely hated working from home - my home is my sanctuary, not my workplace, and it really caused me mental anguish. I returned to office working as soon as I could, as I preferred the structure and the support from colleagues.
I'm not sure why you feel like you are letting your family down, but it sounds like you may be suffering from depression, which can make us over critical of ourselves. Try to think about what you want, what would make you happy, and try to work towards that. It could be a change in work, either going back to your workplace or getting a new job, it could be planning to go out with the family to do something you might enjoy such as bowling or to a movie, or having a movie night and a takeaway at home once a week. It's important to have something to look forward to. Don't think it's selfish to put yourself first - if you feel happier and stronger you'll then be able to support your family more with any problems they have.
Keep reading and posting questions.