Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
First post and I'm glad to be here.
For the last two or three years I've been suffering with, what I can only call autistic regression.
Put simply, I feel more autistic now, at 50, than I have even done in my life.
I was diagnosed at a very early age, 3, and endured the well worn path of therapy, expulsions, constant school changes and some home tutoring,
As a young adult I had perfected my mask to the point that a lot of my family did not realise I was autistic. When I found this out, I had mixed emotions where I was upset that they did not know but proud of the mask I had constructed.
Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.
Most days I honestly don;t know why I bother. What's the point, what's the end goal. Right now I'm just existing and enjoying very little of it. My partner and kids (young adults) are suffering too.
Both my son and daughter are autistic, daughter diganosed but son won't entertain it. I just feel like I'm letting them all down, I'm a burden to them.
I really wish I had taken time out to be my autistic self instead of trying to be like everyone else.
My head hurts. Sorry, just wanted to rant to people who may, at least, have some understanding of what I am trying to articulate.
I am 54 and only at 50 did I find why I was diffrent. Covid changed things for me too as I lost my dad to covid then my mum 2 years later, I am not the person I was, it totally broke me. I find i am just exhausted by the masking and being something I am not. I avoid social situations, reciently I found great peace in building my favourite childhood toy, Lego. I have really regressed, I am still that lost little boy alone building Lego and reading books about my obsession. Of course being Autistic I am only building lego that I had in my childhood, not the modern stuff.
Lets face it we have navigated our way through a world we don't understand for half a century. I have been married for 18 years, no kids by choice, own house, always worked, outwardly a 'normal' person. Inwardly I am exhausted, burnt out by 35 years of work, and coping with the world. My 'out' is in a few months we are relocating to a much cheaper, more rural area where we hope to have a much more simple life away from the busy south east. We can both afford to work min wage jobs and do something we enjoy after taking several months off.