Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
First post and I'm glad to be here.
For the last two or three years I've been suffering with, what I can only call autistic regression.
Put simply, I feel more autistic now, at 50, than I have even done in my life.
I was diagnosed at a very early age, 3, and endured the well worn path of therapy, expulsions, constant school changes and some home tutoring,
As a young adult I had perfected my mask to the point that a lot of my family did not realise I was autistic. When I found this out, I had mixed emotions where I was upset that they did not know but proud of the mask I had constructed.
Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.
Most days I honestly don;t know why I bother. What's the point, what's the end goal. Right now I'm just existing and enjoying very little of it. My partner and kids (young adults) are suffering too.
Both my son and daughter are autistic, daughter diganosed but son won't entertain it. I just feel like I'm letting them all down, I'm a burden to them.
I really wish I had taken time out to be my autistic self instead of trying to be like everyone else.
My head hurts. Sorry, just wanted to rant to people who may, at least, have some understanding of what I am trying to articulate.
BlueDom said:Since the covid 'era' I have been aware of my autism and the limitations it presents me with more and more. I've become a hermit, working from home, and I struggle more than ever to fit in.
I would suggest looking closely at this. Nothing has changed other than your knowledge of your condition so all the new found limitations are of your own doing.
BlueDom said:Most days I honestly don;t know why I bother. What's the point, what's the end goal
That is the great question of life after all - I've pondered this, gazed at my own navel over it and looked at religion, philosophy and a range of things but the same answer keeps coming back.
There is no spoon (quoting the Matrix).
I believe we are organic machines that have evolved over billions of years to have a rudimentary form of self conciousness and there is no goal as such. You are born, you live and then you stop at some stage.
For me the realisation of this was when I chose to retire and live the rest of my life doing what I enjoyed as best I could.
BlueDom said:Both my son and daughter are autistic, daughter diganosed but son won't entertain it. I just feel like I'm letting them all down, I'm a burden to them.
Since most autism is genetic, you didn't ask for it and you didn't know before they were born so you had no clue - how can you feel this is letting them down.
If your actions now are getting them down then consider changing them. Get a therapist to work through your issues and be better for yourself and your dependants if this is your aim. In essence - do something.
I found that cutting out a lot of the rubbish that gets into our life as we go along helps - find things you all enjoy and take the time for these. Find ways to make your limitations (autism here) less impactful through getting a capable therapist and spend time and energy on improving quality of life.
If there is no afterlife or whatever then don't spend time on the rubbish - ditch social media, get a dog, learn the guitatr or whatever you want to do. Live, love and laugh until you cannot any more. That is a legacy worth leaving for you kids.