A rising volcano

Thank you for your answer. I don’t find it patronising at all. Good advice, I will try this way. I’m  not gonna seek any official diagnosis currently because it’s too expensive and too much hustle for just one paper. The information from my doctor is enough for me. Plus I don’t have any executive functioning issues and I’m not intellectually disabled meaning I don’t need the kind of support, many others need so I don’t want to take the diagnosis from someone who needs it more. And there is one more issue with social services. So I will try somehow with the spoon theory. Maybe it will work. He says that sitting with them in earplugs is disrespectful. But I can’t stand my daughter’s toys. I mean the noise and her screams too. And mss as my other sounds 

I think you might be on the recieving end of projection from him, he's got this idea of the perfect woman in his head and you fulfilled lots of his criteria, now he's trying to cram the real person into his fantasy. I've so many people do this, both male and female and he's almost certainly not concious of doing it.

I would suggest that he's the insecure one who needs you as a kind of social credential to show his internal image of himself that he's successful and OK. You being "normal" will be part of that, my ex was like that and in the end it was what drove us apart, everything he and his family did was normal, a bench mark and the rest of his life and mine had to live up to it. Some of the things I did that wern't normal were things like reading a newspaper, or not being that fond of chips, going shopping when there was still food in the house. Then I went and worked in a "weird shop", otherwise known as a wholefood shop that was run as a co-operative, with no bosses and all taking an equal responisibility for running it, people asked questions about it and he didn't like it.

Aw thanks that is very nice of you.

Plus here the problem is not with the room, but with me craving loneliness probably more than standard people. But I still manage to spend time with my beloved crowd of noisy people. My mom had similar issue with her husband. He was very abusive and he used to throw tantrums for this reason. 

Thank you for your answer. The experience with men you describe is very similar to mine. In the beginning I’m intelligent and unique, sweet, lovely, young looking, simple, not throwing money on stuff such as cosmetics or fancy clothes and Parfüms, I can do the shopping very quickly, also not being jealous, not controlling my partner, not throwing dramas, not stopping him from seeing his friends and pursuing his hobbies etc. But then when they are supposed to accept some of my quirks coming together with my sweetness, they get confused, shocked, disappointed. 

My husband is not afraid to discover anything about himself. He just stays away from mental health professionals. Before I realised I’m aspie I always felt I’m a lot different than other people. Once I asked him if he thinks that I’m normal. At that time he answered “yes of course you are, such a weird question!” And then when he saw me stimming for first time there was the question “what’s wrong with you”

Hi, you do need somewhere to escape to, I wonder if a formal diagnosis would give your husband some clarity, I’m still waiting for an assessment myself, I often feel my wife doesn’t believe me, I try to drip feed information to her in a way that isn’t too much for her to accept. Sorry that’s not meant to sound patronising.The truth is I’m nothing like the person she married, I was lucky to have the male role when our children were young, I was able to escape, the mother does get more load placed on them. I also use the ‘spoon theory’, it just helps to show how much energy or toleration I have. People don’t understand how isolation or creativity is how we recharge. You may have to sit your husband down and shock him with the truth, it may jar him into accepting the seriousness of the matter.

It's difficult when your husband refuses to go to counselling and expects someone to flick a switch and make you OK, my ex husband was similar aloght he did go to counselling at first and managed to make it sound like it was all my fault and me having "issues" they were only to happy to agree with him. Sorry to say this but he sounds a bit of a snob about you working in a warehouse, sounds like he's like to be able to say something that appears more middle class.

I think you should go to couples counselling on your own, they do do this, and maybe your husband will join you a bit later. It would give you some space to talk about you and how you feel about your relationship and enable you to have some support with someone who seems quite rigid in their thinking.

My own experience has been of men who think I'm great at first because I'm "so different" to other women they've met, they say I'm lively, intelligent and that they can have a conversation with me and I don't watch soaps. Then they start getting bored and things start getting awkward, they start to become embaressed when I dont' have anything in common with their friends partners and their friends and family make comments about me. 'Can't you be a bit les weird' was a comment frequently repeated, my replay was'No', but I've a trail of broken relationships behind me and have realised that I'm just not suited to them.

As your daughter get older and more independent I think it will get easier or at least different.

Do you have the option of a room in your house that you can make your own, have a quiet room, maybe your daughter would benefit from it too. Most of all remember you don't need fixing, you're not broken, you're relationship with your husband maybe disfunctional, but it take two people to have a relationship, two people relating and if only one of them is, its neither right or fair. Maybe you could ask him what he's afraid of disovering about himself were he to go to counselling?  This isn't all about you, this his about him and his refusal to think of you're needs as much as you think about his.

You can't live in a rising volcano forever. Consider what you really need. Be mindful, we can take things literally so if we get "written off" in the first instance, we take that as given. We end up undermining ourselves. Be aware we may need to persuade  people "actually, I need this", (metaphorically fight our own corner by being assertive) which can take a longer period of time than for other people as we need more processing between the back and forth.

Try explaining 'spoon theory' to your husband. He might be more able to appreciate things explained in more concrete terms, rather than just your desire to be alone. How you educate someone who just wishes that you were not autistic, rather than admit that he really needs to engage with the fact that you are autistic and have definite needs that he does not have himself, is a problem.

Yes! You put it in words perfectly! - when it’s mess and noise at home it does not feel safe, I feel like I can’t find my place here. Thank you for your answer. 

I think by our nature we are all or nothing kind of people and its hard finding the middle ground. We crave alone time but also need connections. It has to be on our terms. When your safe space (home) doesn't feel safe (not in the conventional sense but due to sensory aspects, overwhelm, overload etc), it's really difficult because it feels like there's no where to go. Pressure can only build for so long. This is another potential difficulty - our communication skills, thinking we have been clear when we haven't. Finding difficulty to reach out. In terms of your husband, you have every right to exist how you want in your own home. Sorry I don't have any answers.

all good, misunderstandings happen :) have a good day! 

Sorry for my half-baked and ill-conceived answer.....which, FYI, was merely intended to convey the fact that you "think" like me.  I have no worthy comment on the specific topic you have raised.

Sorry I’m not sure if I understand your answer… in this post I’m not asking if it’s normal or just me, because I know that many people need some loneliness, also allistic introverts need it and it’s normal. Im just concerned about the situation I’m in, concerned about the marriage and just curious if anyone else had similar experience.

Golly.......you are reassuring "normal / me-headed". How.nice!

And I would like to escape to the woods for some time to recharge. Having someone is good but also difficult, for me they are a crowd of noisy people and I can’t stand being with them both for long. I wish you your dreams become true. 

Goodness, you don’t know how lucky you are! I ish I had a partner to keep me company. I would swap with you in an instant by the way lol. 

Thank you for your answer. I replied before but it disappeared somehow. So counselling with my husband is not possible because he refuses. He just expects my therapist to press a button in me, to make me stop being weird. I never stop my husband from seeing his friends and never insist on being there with them, there are men, talking about football and watching it so nothing for me and I would get overwhelmed easily. I manage things the way that he has time for himself, watching movies although I don’t watch with him because I can’t watch anything for long. I just quit to process what I saw and relax from the screen flashing pictures. My husband is not happy that I chose working in a warehouse instead of office, but I explained to him many times that working with the phone, having to speak to people causes me anxiety and depression, but looks like he has a short memory. I started working short time ago, our daughter is 2,5 in kindergarten, requires a lot of attention and she gets that, but I also need time alone. 

Thank you for your answer! So my husband has time for himself and his friends whenever he wants I never stop him from seeing them but I also never ask him to take me with him because I know I would get overwhelmed. He is also not insisting on that. I manage things the way that he has time to watch his football match or some movies although I don’t watch with him. I can’t watch anything for long. I also get overwhelmed or overstimulated by screens so I just leave to process what I saw and relax. I’m doing my best to be supportive, learned how to manage my emotions to avoid destructive meltdowns and only sometimes I need some extra help to regulate. I started working recently, he is not happy that I work in a dirty warehouse instead of some office in a fancy skyscraper. He thinks that working 8 hours in front of a computer and phone is some sort of fun or piece of cake. For me having to conform to the dress code, make up and jewellery, the screen for so many hours, the swoosh of people talking and phones ringing is a sensory hell. Plus having to talk on the phone caused me a depression and anxiety, and he knows that. It’s  my life so my choice, I’m doing the job so I think I have a right to chose what suits me better. Money is more or less same. Warehouse is also not perfect at this point but much much better and I like my tasks I like the job, there are some issues but I think I will sort them out them with the crew. Counselling is not possible because my husband refuses to have it, to talk to anyone. He just expects my therapist to click some button in me, so I would stop being weird. It’s hard to talk to him. I think he has a short memory 

Your mother was right in a way, there is nothing wrong with you - you are a perfectly normal Aspie. You've done great, finding ways to manage your panic and anxiety, but your husband is undermining that good work with the comments and the inability to support you.

Can you get counselling as a couple? If not or if you don't like the idea of talking to a stranger, you will have to sit down with him and talk seriously about your fears that your relationship is heading towards breakup. Ask him to work out some compromise with you, as to how you can have some "alone time" - perhaps he can go out with friends or to see his family without you sometimes?

You don't say whether you work, or if your child is yet at school. If you are working, maybe you could arrange to shorten your working hours and arrive home a bit earlier than your husband and child? If you are at home all the time, is there a nursery, child minding service, or family member that could care for your child for at least a few hours each week to give you a break?

I hope it all works out well for you.