Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like there is a hot rising volcano in me. I’m afraid it will erupt soon due to lack of loneliness. Since the beginning of my relationship I masked a lot, but I wasn’t aware of that. Now we have a child and my mask slips off. I just can’t cope and mask. I Need loneliness, stimming, silence and ear plugs. I never needed them at home before because there was silence. And although after being told by therapist that I’m an aspie I informed my husband about it. I told him briefly about ASD/Asperger what is this, that it’s me and my personality and it will not change and there is no cure. Of course I work on myself and I’ve done a lot on my own without any knowledge and support. Since I figured out that my panic attacks are caused by noise, I started wearing earplugs and there is a huge improvement on my mental health and well-being. I feel much safer and calmer with them. I finally can relax! And I don’t get panic attacks anymore and heart palpitations are gone. And although he knows that I still hear “are you again with your earplugs?!” “You gonna destroy your hearing!” - while it’s me hearing the lightbulb in the lamp or ticking watch on his wrist. Or comments about me wanting to be alone and pace the kitchen again. If I can’t get the peace and silence for some time everyday I feel like it’s a boiling water in me, like a rising volcano. I start moaning and get more and more overwhelmed and irritated. Although I encouraged him to read about ASD a bit if he wants, but he didn’t and seems to not be interested at all. On one hand I hear how sweet I am, on other hand he is more and more annoyed by my weirdness. I’m even wondering if he actually loves me. Or which part of me he does. sometimes I wonder if I should have got married and become a mother. Maybe my step dad was right, when he told me many years ago, when I was a teenager and still having meltdowns, that I’m not suitable to live independently and have a family. It hurt me a lot, but there was no explanation to why I should have never become a mother and wife. I asked my mom many times what’s wrong with me and she always told me that there is nothing wrong and I’m perfectly normal just like her. mom sorry for long post. I’m afraid of possible divorce. Has cv anyone similar experience?
I think by our nature we are all or nothing kind of people and its hard finding the middle ground. We crave alone time but also need connections. It has to be on our terms. When your safe space (home) doesn't feel safe (not in the conventional sense but due to sensory aspects, overwhelm, overload etc), it's really difficult because it feels like there's no where to go. Pressure can only build for so long. This is another potential difficulty - our communication skills, thinking we have been clear when we haven't. Finding difficulty to reach out. In terms of your husband, you have every right to exist how you want in your own home. Sorry I don't have any answers.
Yes! You put it in words perfectly! - when it’s mess and noise at home it does not feel safe, I feel like I can’t find my place here. Thank you for your answer.
You can't live in a rising volcano forever. Consider what you really need. Be mindful, we can take things literally so if we get "written off" in the first instance, we take that as given. We end up undermining ourselves. Be aware we may need to persuade people "actually, I need this", (metaphorically fight our own corner by being assertive) which can take a longer period of time than for other people as we need more processing between the back and forth.