Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like there is a hot rising volcano in me. I’m afraid it will erupt soon due to lack of loneliness. Since the beginning of my relationship I masked a lot, but I wasn’t aware of that. Now we have a child and my mask slips off. I just can’t cope and mask. I Need loneliness, stimming, silence and ear plugs. I never needed them at home before because there was silence. And although after being told by therapist that I’m an aspie I informed my husband about it. I told him briefly about ASD/Asperger what is this, that it’s me and my personality and it will not change and there is no cure. Of course I work on myself and I’ve done a lot on my own without any knowledge and support. Since I figured out that my panic attacks are caused by noise, I started wearing earplugs and there is a huge improvement on my mental health and well-being. I feel much safer and calmer with them. I finally can relax! And I don’t get panic attacks anymore and heart palpitations are gone. And although he knows that I still hear “are you again with your earplugs?!” “You gonna destroy your hearing!” - while it’s me hearing the lightbulb in the lamp or ticking watch on his wrist. Or comments about me wanting to be alone and pace the kitchen again. If I can’t get the peace and silence for some time everyday I feel like it’s a boiling water in me, like a rising volcano. I start moaning and get more and more overwhelmed and irritated. Although I encouraged him to read about ASD a bit if he wants, but he didn’t and seems to not be interested at all. On one hand I hear how sweet I am, on other hand he is more and more annoyed by my weirdness. I’m even wondering if he actually loves me. Or which part of me he does. sometimes I wonder if I should have got married and become a mother. Maybe my step dad was right, when he told me many years ago, when I was a teenager and still having meltdowns, that I’m not suitable to live independently and have a family. It hurt me a lot, but there was no explanation to why I should have never become a mother and wife. I asked my mom many times what’s wrong with me and she always told me that there is nothing wrong and I’m perfectly normal just like her. mom sorry for long post. I’m afraid of possible divorce. Has cv anyone similar experience?
Your mother was right in a way, there is nothing wrong with you - you are a perfectly normal Aspie. You've done great, finding ways to manage your panic and anxiety, but your husband is undermining that good work with the comments and the inability to support you.
Can you get counselling as a couple? If not or if you don't like the idea of talking to a stranger, you will have to sit down with him and talk seriously about your fears that your relationship is heading towards breakup. Ask him to work out some compromise with you, as to how you can have some "alone time" - perhaps he can go out with friends or to see his family without you sometimes?
You don't say whether you work, or if your child is yet at school. If you are working, maybe you could arrange to shorten your working hours and arrive home a bit earlier than your husband and child? If you are at home all the time, is there a nursery, child minding service, or family member that could care for your child for at least a few hours each week to give you a break?
I hope it all works out well for you.
Thank you for your answer! So my husband has time for himself and his friends whenever he wants I never stop him from seeing them but I also never ask him to take me with him because I know I would get overwhelmed. He is also not insisting on that. I manage things the way that he has time to watch his football match or some movies although I don’t watch with him. I can’t watch anything for long. I also get overwhelmed or overstimulated by screens so I just leave to process what I saw and relax. I’m doing my best to be supportive, learned how to manage my emotions to avoid destructive meltdowns and only sometimes I need some extra help to regulate. I started working recently, he is not happy that I work in a dirty warehouse instead of some office in a fancy skyscraper. He thinks that working 8 hours in front of a computer and phone is some sort of fun or piece of cake. For me having to conform to the dress code, make up and jewellery, the screen for so many hours, the swoosh of people talking and phones ringing is a sensory hell. Plus having to talk on the phone caused me a depression and anxiety, and he knows that. It’s my life so my choice, I’m doing the job so I think I have a right to chose what suits me better. Money is more or less same. Warehouse is also not perfect at this point but much much better and I like my tasks I like the job, there are some issues but I think I will sort them out them with the crew. Counselling is not possible because my husband refuses to have it, to talk to anyone. He just expects my therapist to click some button in me, so I would stop being weird. It’s hard to talk to him. I think he has a short memory