Published on 12, July, 2020
I feel like there is a hot rising volcano in me. I’m afraid it will erupt soon due to lack of loneliness. Since the beginning of my relationship I masked a lot, but I wasn’t aware of that. Now we have a child and my mask slips off. I just can’t cope and mask. I Need loneliness, stimming, silence and ear plugs. I never needed them at home before because there was silence. And although after being told by therapist that I’m an aspie I informed my husband about it. I told him briefly about ASD/Asperger what is this, that it’s me and my personality and it will not change and there is no cure. Of course I work on myself and I’ve done a lot on my own without any knowledge and support. Since I figured out that my panic attacks are caused by noise, I started wearing earplugs and there is a huge improvement on my mental health and well-being. I feel much safer and calmer with them. I finally can relax! And I don’t get panic attacks anymore and heart palpitations are gone. And although he knows that I still hear “are you again with your earplugs?!” “You gonna destroy your hearing!” - while it’s me hearing the lightbulb in the lamp or ticking watch on his wrist. Or comments about me wanting to be alone and pace the kitchen again. If I can’t get the peace and silence for some time everyday I feel like it’s a boiling water in me, like a rising volcano. I start moaning and get more and more overwhelmed and irritated. Although I encouraged him to read about ASD a bit if he wants, but he didn’t and seems to not be interested at all. On one hand I hear how sweet I am, on other hand he is more and more annoyed by my weirdness. I’m even wondering if he actually loves me. Or which part of me he does. sometimes I wonder if I should have got married and become a mother. Maybe my step dad was right, when he told me many years ago, when I was a teenager and still having meltdowns, that I’m not suitable to live independently and have a family. It hurt me a lot, but there was no explanation to why I should have never become a mother and wife. I asked my mom many times what’s wrong with me and she always told me that there is nothing wrong and I’m perfectly normal just like her. mom sorry for long post. I’m afraid of possible divorce. Has cv anyone similar experience?
Hi, you do need somewhere to escape to, I wonder if a formal diagnosis would give your husband some clarity, I’m still waiting for an assessment myself, I often feel my wife doesn’t believe me, I try to drip feed information to her in a way that isn’t too much for her to accept. Sorry that’s not meant to sound patronising.The truth is I’m nothing like the person she married, I was lucky to have the male role when our children were young, I was able to escape, the mother does get more load placed on them. I also use the ‘spoon theory’, it just helps to show how much energy or toleration I have. People don’t understand how isolation or creativity is how we recharge. You may have to sit your husband down and shock him with the truth, it may jar him into accepting the seriousness of the matter.
Thank you for your answer. I don’t find it patronising at all. Good advice, I will try this way. I’m not gonna seek any official diagnosis currently because it’s too expensive and too much hustle for just one paper. The information from my doctor is enough for me. Plus I don’t have any executive functioning issues and I’m not intellectually disabled meaning I don’t need the kind of support, many others need so I don’t want to take the diagnosis from someone who needs it more. And there is one more issue with social services. So I will try somehow with the spoon theory. Maybe it will work. He says that sitting with them in earplugs is disrespectful. But I can’t stand my daughter’s toys. I mean the noise and her screams too. And mss as my other sounds