High Functioning

It conjures up a view of something like a superpower to a lot of people, I don't think many people realise that it means "outwardly appearing to be fine while you're struggling like hell on the inside to keep it up"

The more we mask the more people assume we're ok,  if we're trying to hide something and we're successful, we can't blame people for not noticing it. 

I've been told "nobody would ever know you were autistic unless you wanted them to" ,  "that's because they can't feel my anxiety and distress and if I'm masking well they won't see it either"

I don't like this idea of autistic people having some kind of super power either, I find that just as disabling, as having next to no power, to me that implies comic book levels of defiance of the law of science etc. I have a good memory, I have trained my memory, its something that has kept me sane over the years when people have tried to twist, distort and deny things I know have happened. This is not a super power, its a learnt ability. I can cook well and have an excellent palet for tastes, smells and textures, so do many others. I think we all have things were good or very good at.

I think a lot of people get upset whent they find out I'm autustic, I'm often met with disbelief, because I look and act normal, male autists can be quite dismissive of me as a female autist.

I don't like this idea of autistic people having some kind of super power either, I find that just as disabling, as having next to no power, to me that implies comic book levels of defiance of the law of science etc. I have a good memory, I have trained my memory, its something that has kept me sane over the years when people have tried to twist, distort and deny things I know have happened. This is not a super power, its a learnt ability. I can cook well and have an excellent palet for tastes, smells and textures, so do many others. I think we all have things were good or very good at.

I think a lot of people get upset whent they find out I'm autustic, I'm often met with disbelief, because I look and act normal, male autists can be quite dismissive of me as a female autist.

I have exactly the same experiences as you. My work is very physical as I do internal refurbishments for a living (self employed) and then I’m at it at home in a big way also. I never thought of this as a “special interest” but my attention to detail and the standard of my finish leaves me in high demand but very often exhausted. I guess this is because I prioritise how well I do my job over how much I charge. As you said I tend to worry over innocuous things even though after 20 years of experiencing these things that crop up you would think there’s no need to worry. 

Totally get that though 

I can relate to that, the thing that drives me being able to create things, like major DIY projects at home and do extremely well with certain things at work, also creates my own personal hell of worry and anxiety over the most innocuous things at times.

I think there’s usually a flip-side to most things.  My super-power, if you call it that, is my hyper-focus. It’s enabled me to achieve some incredible things in my career. It has also driven my obsessive behaviour and hyper-vigilance such that I can sometimes be crippled with fear or anxiety. I’d call that more of a super-curse. I realise this is just me, I can’t change it, probably wouldn’t now that I’m used to coping, but super-power it certainly isn’t. That implies something wonderful that anyone would want. 

That's the dilemma I have faced a little since diagnosis, I go round in a circle of wanting to tell people but then not doing as I'm blowing my cover after all the years of hiding and fearing ridicule or being treated differently. 

I put it down to asthma diagnosis age 10 ISH. I was told I should get tested, didn't want to, felt I'd stand out and get grief like other kids that were different for whatever reason. Ended up ill so got diagnosed, as soon as I had I felt great, the inhaler helped if I did anything that made me tight chested. Then I went to school and told them and was instantly barred from doing sport days.

Since then as my autism traits became more obvious to me and more impacting, I knew the only thing to do was act normal and fit in. That was 40 years ago and I still feel that same fear.

I'm working through it. The stress and anxiety in social and work situations is hard to bear, but I still feel at times I'd rather ensure it and not risk what might happen if I ask for adjustments. That coupled with not wanting to feel like I didn't do as much as everyone else has to.

Autisician said:

I can't help find some irony in the fact that I get annoyed that when I tell people they don't think I look or act it, I should find it a confirmation that I'm masking and succeeding to hide it.

Hmm, so you act like a normal person and get upset when people tell you you have succeded?

I can't help find some irony in the fact that I get annoyed that when I tell people they don't think I look or act it, I should find it a confirmation that I'm masking and succeeding to hide it.

I want everyone to know and understand how it makes me feel but I don't want to tell anyone or have them treat me differently. I Think I'm an oxymoron! ( I know there's a joke in there....)

And being able to hide an enormous amount of distress and anxiety in a social setting is definitely not marvel level super powers , as you say!!