High Functioning

It conjures up a view of something like a superpower to a lot of people, I don't think many people realise that it means "outwardly appearing to be fine while you're struggling like hell on the inside to keep it up"

The more we mask the more people assume we're ok,  if we're trying to hide something and we're successful, we can't blame people for not noticing it. 

I've been told "nobody would ever know you were autistic unless you wanted them to" ,  "that's because they can't feel my anxiety and distress and if I'm masking well they won't see it either"

I don't like this idea of autistic people having some kind of super power either, I find that just as disabling, as having next to no power, to me that implies comic book levels of defiance of the law of science etc. I have a good memory, I have trained my memory, its something that has kept me sane over the years when people have tried to twist, distort and deny things I know have happened. This is not a super power, its a learnt ability. I can cook well and have an excellent palet for tastes, smells and textures, so do many others. I think we all have things were good or very good at.

I think a lot of people get upset whent they find out I'm autustic, I'm often met with disbelief, because I look and act normal, male autists can be quite dismissive of me as a female autist.

I can't help find some irony in the fact that I get annoyed that when I tell people they don't think I look or act it, I should find it a confirmation that I'm masking and succeeding to hide it.

I want everyone to know and understand how it makes me feel but I don't want to tell anyone or have them treat me differently. I Think I'm an oxymoron! ( I know there's a joke in there....)

And being able to hide an enormous amount of distress and anxiety in a social setting is definitely not marvel level super powers , as you say!!

That's the dilemma I have faced a little since diagnosis, I go round in a circle of wanting to tell people but then not doing as I'm blowing my cover after all the years of hiding and fearing ridicule or being treated differently. 

I put it down to asthma diagnosis age 10 ISH. I was told I should get tested, didn't want to, felt I'd stand out and get grief like other kids that were different for whatever reason. Ended up ill so got diagnosed, as soon as I had I felt great, the inhaler helped if I did anything that made me tight chested. Then I went to school and told them and was instantly barred from doing sport days.

Since then as my autism traits became more obvious to me and more impacting, I knew the only thing to do was act normal and fit in. That was 40 years ago and I still feel that same fear.

I'm working through it. The stress and anxiety in social and work situations is hard to bear, but I still feel at times I'd rather ensure it and not risk what might happen if I ask for adjustments. That coupled with not wanting to feel like I didn't do as much as everyone else has to.

That's the dilemma I have faced a little since diagnosis, I go round in a circle of wanting to tell people but then not doing as I'm blowing my cover after all the years of hiding and fearing ridicule or being treated differently. 

I put it down to asthma diagnosis age 10 ISH. I was told I should get tested, didn't want to, felt I'd stand out and get grief like other kids that were different for whatever reason. Ended up ill so got diagnosed, as soon as I had I felt great, the inhaler helped if I did anything that made me tight chested. Then I went to school and told them and was instantly barred from doing sport days.

Since then as my autism traits became more obvious to me and more impacting, I knew the only thing to do was act normal and fit in. That was 40 years ago and I still feel that same fear.

I'm working through it. The stress and anxiety in social and work situations is hard to bear, but I still feel at times I'd rather ensure it and not risk what might happen if I ask for adjustments. That coupled with not wanting to feel like I didn't do as much as everyone else has to.