Relationship Maintenance / Advice?

Thanks for this great comment! Your world is one I have never visited but which I have always been curious to hear more about. Very grateful thanks!

Hi

As someone in a 40 years+ ND-ND marriage, I just wanted to add a few thoughts.

Two people can get together because they feel a strong bond of the type they have never felt with anyone else, which is wonderful. But years of living together, dealing with running a home, working, and possibly bringing up children, can have a detrimental effect on any relationship, whichever neurotribe people are from.

When stressed, autistic people can struggle to communicate verbally. So they may have a plan in their head of what they are going to do that day, or what time they plan to leave the house to go shopping, for example, but omit to communicate that to their partner - which ends with them being upset because their partner isn't ready to do something when they are, and their partner being upset because they weren't aware what was expected of them. 

As you know, special interests can cause an autistic person to become lost in a world of their own, so that they do not appear at the dinner table when their partner has just finished slaving over the stove preparing a meal for them. It can also lead to them staying up later than they should to finish a project, and then being tired and difficult to relate to the next day.

These things can start to cause a disconnect if not addressed, which will likely be exacerbated if one partner is struggling to understand what it means to be autistic and the other is struggling against the idea of "labels".

If the counselling is helping you both to understand each other, that's great. However have you discussed or considered scheduling? By that I mean putting together a timetable that's agreeable to both of you which designates times for you to each do your own things, time to do home and family stuff (cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc) and time as a couple to do things you both enjoy together.

I hope things improve for you both.

CJRE_84 said:

I don't think it helps that my wife is almost certainly non NT herself, but won't seek diagnosis.

This is always a challenge - I have seen so many around me when I worked in IT who were clearly neurodivergent but if you suggested they may have similar traits you were cut off sharpish.

I think it comes from the unfortunate belief shared by much of society that if you are neurodivergent then you are somehow lesser, broken perhaps.

If it helps you personally, write up all the neurodivergent traits she has and keep that list somewhere safe - it may help get the thought out of your head to a degree.

Since she has pushed back hard on the suggestion then don't push that button again unless something changes.

Instead, learn effective coping techniques for any of these traits she has trouble with and try to help rather than diagnose. It will be more meaningful to her and so long as you know, you won't feel as helpless.

Should you find this lack of a diagnosis for her becomes an open wound for you - bring it up in couples counselling but via a 1-2-1 with the councellor and get their opinion. If there is something to be gained then they should be the one introducing the idea as a neutral party.

CJRE_84 said:

As the more passive of the two of us, I tend to feel quite henpecked until I can just boil over with frustration.

I would suggest getting a assertivness training course if you can get on one - this made the world of difference for me as it gives you the tools and practice of advocating for yourself in a non confrontatinal way - very useful in both a work and relationship environment.

Good luck with whatever comes next.

Thanks Iain, as always really sound advice.  Really appreciate your taking the time to message.

I will pursue mindfulness once again, at one stage I'd gotten quite into meditation - but as with all things with me, it fell by the way side once it stopped being a "new" special interest.

I tend to find I just crash through the day (be it a productive or unproductive one) without any pause for thought until some obscene time in the early hours when its too late to act upon good intentions, and my mind is too tired.  I think taking set breaks would be really beneficial, and something I'll try and introduce.

Re: the therapy / relationship side - I don't think it helps that my wife is almost certainly non NT herself, but won't seek diagnosis.  I think I become quite frustrated on this because I see it impacting her in the day to day (areas of self care that she neglects, things she tends to focus on with almost obsessive routine).  She will always be quick to point out my quirks etc, but can be very blinkered as to her own.  As the more passive of the two of us, I tend to feel quite henpecked until I can just boil over with frustration.

I've found treating her in my head as non NT, and trying to make allowances around her as I'd like to have made around me has been helpful, but can't help but feel a proper diagnosis would be useful.

CJRE_84 said:

at times I feel the relationship counsellor doesn't have a clue about autism.

I would straight up ask them about this (not in a session as that may be seem as deflecting) and if they say they are not particularly experienced with autistic clients than ask them to read up on it as you think this will greatly increase their understanding of your dynamic.

CJRE_84 said:

I do struggle to actively control where I put my energy.

I would recommend reading up on the technique of mindfulness that helps you rationalise what we do and how to keep unreasonable behaviours in check.

I would suggest creating checkpoints in your day to stop and rationalise what you are doing and whether it is reasonable and productive - this stops you when you start down a slippery slope and can give you the tools to get out that hole before you spend too much time in it.

CJRE_84 said:

she does also push back on my when I mention autism as one of the drivers of some of her bigger frustrations.

This has been one of the most hurtful things for me in my situation.

My suggestion would be to look at your daughters autistic traits that you share and use these as a discussion point with your wife to discuss if her treatment of your daughter and you differs - ask her why she thinks it is different and if she thinks you deserve the same consideration.

Expect some push back of you using "emotional blackmail" or similar but stick to the facts as much as you can. Read up on these traits before the discussion and undersand them so you can refer her to the book or article that explains them if it helps.

Above all else realise that because you are in a relationship with someone with a different brain to your own, you are going to have to make adaptations that may not be comfortable for you in order to find a balance that works.

Let he know where these are, why you find it uncomfortable and that you are willing to do it because you love her and want it to work. This should demonstrate your sincerity and effort and encourage her to recipricate.

Lastly, remember to take time out to do silly fun things you both enjoy to lighten the mood from time to time - it gets too heavy if it is all serious stull all the time.

Thanks Iain,

Yes we're going through counselling now - only a few sessions in but its been revealing, albeit at times I feel the relationship counsellor doesn't have a clue about autism.  But maybe its also me feeling uncomfortable about being put on the spot about things which I may perceive to be autistic traits but maybe they aren't and I just don't like it!

I'd say my wife didn't take the diagnosis badly, our daughter is also autistic (triggered my diagnosis) and as usual my wife approaches everything with a matter of fact and upbeat way which is amazing.  But she does also push back on my when I mention autism as one of the drivers of some of her bigger frustrations.

I feel part of it is her not wanting to face into what my daughter might face, but also my wife will point to things in my past (challenging upbringing, alcoholic mother etc) as part of the issue.  I suppose she too is still adapting to all of this also and working it all out just as I am.

It's a good point on treating the relationship like a special interest, I do struggle to actively control where I put my energy.  When work gets busy, or if relationships are challenging - I find myself slipping into patterns of behavior which include excessive time spent on special interests etc.  Creates something of a catch 22 situation though which doesn't help at all.

Your also right on not blaming everything on autism, I suppose being only 6 months diagnosed, I'm still struggling at times to understand what is and isn't the autism.  Ultimately if either are driving behaviors which make my wife unhappy, I consider it my responsibility to course correct - I think it's just having the self awareness that this is required without requiring a blazing row to signpost me and ensure I'm balancing my time.

Thanks for the insight and advice.

Yes I agree with this point.  I try to make the analogy to my wife that if I asked her to solve a rubix cube and gave her question upon question upon instruction, how would she feel.  To me that's pretty simple to follow but she'd throw the thing out the window in frustration.

This is how I try to explain how I feel in the sessions, I can't process the layers of messaging she is providing - maybe I'll re-emphasise it to our counsellor.

Thanks Martin, you hit the nail on the head there - that once formed, the relationship is permanent and unchanging.  This is almost an assumption I feel I've been taking, but never heard it written so clearly - thank you.

Your right also on the balance point.  As much as alone time is appealing, it also leaves me feeling like I'm failing at "normal" life and relationships, which in turn makes me feel pretty bad about myself.  I suspect that becomes a bit of a self fulfilling cycle then where I avoid people when feeling this way, but then its catch 22.

It is common for autistic people to treat any friendship or relationship, once it is formed, as being permanent and essentially unchanging - it 'just is'. Allistic people expect relationships to be constantly maintained, nurtured, renewed and visibly emotionally invested in. When two people with such different expectations are in a relationship there is bound to be some difficulty. It may be useful for you to explain to your wife that despite your comparative lack of routine engagement with her that your feelings for her remain entirely constant. I'm sure that at work you mask your autism, this is very exhausting, and the result is that you need time on your own to recuperate, explaining this to your wife may also be useful. In the end, you probably need to hit on a balance between showing more attentiveness to your wife and maintaining enough 'alone time' to remain functional.

BTW, I am an autist who has been married to an allistic woman for 27 years.

sound advise from the trenches, Iain!

I like that treat the marriage as a special interest!

As for expressing emotions: How I handle this is a request for silence until I can process it. After I assure the other(s) that I will return to the subject in time, I say I need to be left alone. I ask for time, think about it. It can take a few minutes, an hour or a week but I take it. I may write about it to myself and write to the other(s) involved which I don't share but which help me clarify. when I'm ready I come back and talk about it with my notes in front of me. If you are not particularly verbally oriented try drawing the feelings out till you feel clear about it. Brain to hand is the key for me. Sometimes there are errant drawings or doddles on my pages that, later, I see are key to unlocking how I feel.

Sometimes I come to the conclusion it's insoluble and simply say, it's insoluble and ask what the other(s) wants to do in that case. If it's an abusive situation that is unhealthy for me, I run away if I can without explaining myself, and if I can't do that I draw up the shudders and wait until I can.

Ask her what it was about you that first attracted her to you. Ask for the positives and go from there. Were you masking at first? Now under the fatigue of holding it in place? Did you ever talk about this before your diagnosis? How have you changed since then? What do you want to see happen?

CJRE_84 said:

A|so any tips or advice on how to manage challenging conversations relating to complex emotional situations would be great. 

two words - relationship counselling.

I've been in the same situation and it took a lot to make me see what was required to make the relationship work and some individual sessions to understand how to actually do it consistently.

My NT wife took my diagosis badly and I believe made her think of me as defective (understandably) and pushed back at any attempt to point to the autism as the root cause of some of my behaviours.

Expect it to be rocky and there to be some tense times (maybe even some separation while things get worked out) but keep your focus.

Try to treat your relationship like a special interest and take the energy you spent on your other distractions and redistribute them, with the relationship taking the majority and keeping the most important other interests as your recharge opportunity.

A key thing I learned is that you should not try to blame everything on the autism. Where you have been negligent then accept the blame and own it, including how to correct it and how to check in on progress.

The couples counsellor can give you the tools for this (each couple is different) and they should ensure that there is absolute transparancy between you. It can be hard but give it time - a lot if needed.

It isn't easy but then again nothing worth having is.

Good luck.