Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,Autistic Dad and husband here, having some relationship struggles with my partner.I was only diagnosed with autism around 6 months ago.It's become clear to me recently that my autistic traits have caused my wife to feel progressively more unhappy over the course of our marriage (now 10 years). She will cite many frustrations, my lack of attentiveness, pre-disposition to giving too much to work, or special interests etc.I feel our relationship is deteriorating, and at times, we will have blazing arguments when the kids aren't around, and she will explain her frustrations about me, after feeling initially defensive, I will always realize that she is "right" and that by neurotypical standards, I have not been a great partner to her over the years. When she holds me to task on these things (i.e. never spending an evening with her, always heading off to draw / game etc), I can only describe myself as having real mental clarity for a few days where I am more present, more mindful of my condition and its impact, and overall, we are happier for a week or two.The issue is, give it a few weeks, and I slip into my normal routines, neglect spending time with her again etc, and the need for maintaining our relationship slips my mind until the next arguement / wake up call. We've been undergoing relationship counselling for 3-4 weeks now.It pains me to think that I am making her unhappy and that I feel unable at times to maintain a relationship and happy family unit which is all I've ever wanted.I was wondering if there anyone has experienced similar and has any advice on managing autistic > neuro typical relationships? Am I the only one who finds it hard?Or tips in general on how to be better at relationship management as a whole - I'm pretty bad at this - I also rarely contact my broader family, rarely instigate anything with the handful of friends I've maintained.A|so any tips or advice on how to manage challenging conversations relating to complex emotional situations would be great. I'm not totally unskilled in this, but I feel some of the topics which come up overwhelm me with their complexity and I struggle to formulate coherent responses which express how I feel.
As for expressing emotions: How I handle this is a request for silence until I can process it. After I assure the other(s) that I will return to the subject in time, I say I need to be left alone. I ask for time, think about it. It can take a few minutes, an hour or a week but I take it. I may write about it to myself and write to the other(s) involved which I don't share but which help me clarify. when I'm ready I come back and talk about it with my notes in front of me. If you are not particularly verbally oriented try drawing the feelings out till you feel clear about it. Brain to hand is the key for me. Sometimes there are errant drawings or doddles on my pages that, later, I see are key to unlocking how I feel.
Sometimes I come to the conclusion it's insoluble and simply say, it's insoluble and ask what the other(s) wants to do in that case. If it's an abusive situation that is unhealthy for me, I run away if I can without explaining myself, and if I can't do that I draw up the shudders and wait until I can.
Yes I agree with this point. I try to make the analogy to my wife that if I asked her to solve a rubix cube and gave her question upon question upon instruction, how would she feel. To me that's pretty simple to follow but she'd throw the thing out the window in frustration.This is how I try to explain how I feel in the sessions, I can't process the layers of messaging she is providing - maybe I'll re-emphasise it to our counsellor.