Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,Autistic Dad and husband here, having some relationship struggles with my partner.I was only diagnosed with autism around 6 months ago.It's become clear to me recently that my autistic traits have caused my wife to feel progressively more unhappy over the course of our marriage (now 10 years). She will cite many frustrations, my lack of attentiveness, pre-disposition to giving too much to work, or special interests etc.I feel our relationship is deteriorating, and at times, we will have blazing arguments when the kids aren't around, and she will explain her frustrations about me, after feeling initially defensive, I will always realize that she is "right" and that by neurotypical standards, I have not been a great partner to her over the years. When she holds me to task on these things (i.e. never spending an evening with her, always heading off to draw / game etc), I can only describe myself as having real mental clarity for a few days where I am more present, more mindful of my condition and its impact, and overall, we are happier for a week or two.The issue is, give it a few weeks, and I slip into my normal routines, neglect spending time with her again etc, and the need for maintaining our relationship slips my mind until the next arguement / wake up call. We've been undergoing relationship counselling for 3-4 weeks now.It pains me to think that I am making her unhappy and that I feel unable at times to maintain a relationship and happy family unit which is all I've ever wanted.I was wondering if there anyone has experienced similar and has any advice on managing autistic > neuro typical relationships? Am I the only one who finds it hard?Or tips in general on how to be better at relationship management as a whole - I'm pretty bad at this - I also rarely contact my broader family, rarely instigate anything with the handful of friends I've maintained.A|so any tips or advice on how to manage challenging conversations relating to complex emotional situations would be great. I'm not totally unskilled in this, but I feel some of the topics which come up overwhelm me with their complexity and I struggle to formulate coherent responses which express how I feel.
CJRE_84 said:A|so any tips or advice on how to manage challenging conversations relating to complex emotional situations would be great.
two words - relationship counselling.
I've been in the same situation and it took a lot to make me see what was required to make the relationship work and some individual sessions to understand how to actually do it consistently.
My NT wife took my diagosis badly and I believe made her think of me as defective (understandably) and pushed back at any attempt to point to the autism as the root cause of some of my behaviours.
Expect it to be rocky and there to be some tense times (maybe even some separation while things get worked out) but keep your focus.
Try to treat your relationship like a special interest and take the energy you spent on your other distractions and redistribute them, with the relationship taking the majority and keeping the most important other interests as your recharge opportunity.
A key thing I learned is that you should not try to blame everything on the autism. Where you have been negligent then accept the blame and own it, including how to correct it and how to check in on progress.
The couples counsellor can give you the tools for this (each couple is different) and they should ensure that there is absolute transparancy between you. It can be hard but give it time - a lot if needed.
It isn't easy but then again nothing worth having is.
Good luck.
Thanks Iain,Yes we're going through counselling now - only a few sessions in but its been revealing, albeit at times I feel the relationship counsellor doesn't have a clue about autism. But maybe its also me feeling uncomfortable about being put on the spot about things which I may perceive to be autistic traits but maybe they aren't and I just don't like it!I'd say my wife didn't take the diagnosis badly, our daughter is also autistic (triggered my diagnosis) and as usual my wife approaches everything with a matter of fact and upbeat way which is amazing. But she does also push back on my when I mention autism as one of the drivers of some of her bigger frustrations.I feel part of it is her not wanting to face into what my daughter might face, but also my wife will point to things in my past (challenging upbringing, alcoholic mother etc) as part of the issue. I suppose she too is still adapting to all of this also and working it all out just as I am.It's a good point on treating the relationship like a special interest, I do struggle to actively control where I put my energy. When work gets busy, or if relationships are challenging - I find myself slipping into patterns of behavior which include excessive time spent on special interests etc. Creates something of a catch 22 situation though which doesn't help at all.Your also right on not blaming everything on autism, I suppose being only 6 months diagnosed, I'm still struggling at times to understand what is and isn't the autism. Ultimately if either are driving behaviors which make my wife unhappy, I consider it my responsibility to course correct - I think it's just having the self awareness that this is required without requiring a blazing row to signpost me and ensure I'm balancing my time.Thanks for the insight and advice.
sound advise from the trenches, Iain!
I like that treat the marriage as a special interest!