Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi All,Autistic Dad and husband here, having some relationship struggles with my partner.I was only diagnosed with autism around 6 months ago.It's become clear to me recently that my autistic traits have caused my wife to feel progressively more unhappy over the course of our marriage (now 10 years). She will cite many frustrations, my lack of attentiveness, pre-disposition to giving too much to work, or special interests etc.I feel our relationship is deteriorating, and at times, we will have blazing arguments when the kids aren't around, and she will explain her frustrations about me, after feeling initially defensive, I will always realize that she is "right" and that by neurotypical standards, I have not been a great partner to her over the years. When she holds me to task on these things (i.e. never spending an evening with her, always heading off to draw / game etc), I can only describe myself as having real mental clarity for a few days where I am more present, more mindful of my condition and its impact, and overall, we are happier for a week or two.The issue is, give it a few weeks, and I slip into my normal routines, neglect spending time with her again etc, and the need for maintaining our relationship slips my mind until the next arguement / wake up call. We've been undergoing relationship counselling for 3-4 weeks now.It pains me to think that I am making her unhappy and that I feel unable at times to maintain a relationship and happy family unit which is all I've ever wanted.I was wondering if there anyone has experienced similar and has any advice on managing autistic > neuro typical relationships? Am I the only one who finds it hard?Or tips in general on how to be better at relationship management as a whole - I'm pretty bad at this - I also rarely contact my broader family, rarely instigate anything with the handful of friends I've maintained.A|so any tips or advice on how to manage challenging conversations relating to complex emotional situations would be great. I'm not totally unskilled in this, but I feel some of the topics which come up overwhelm me with their complexity and I struggle to formulate coherent responses which express how I feel.
It is common for autistic people to treat any friendship or relationship, once it is formed, as being permanent and essentially unchanging - it 'just is'. Allistic people expect relationships to be constantly maintained, nurtured, renewed and visibly emotionally invested in. When two people with such different expectations are in a relationship there is bound to be some difficulty. It may be useful for you to explain to your wife that despite your comparative lack of routine engagement with her that your feelings for her remain entirely constant. I'm sure that at work you mask your autism, this is very exhausting, and the result is that you need time on your own to recuperate, explaining this to your wife may also be useful. In the end, you probably need to hit on a balance between showing more attentiveness to your wife and maintaining enough 'alone time' to remain functional.
BTW, I am an autist who has been married to an allistic woman for 27 years.
Thanks Martin, you hit the nail on the head there - that once formed, the relationship is permanent and unchanging. This is almost an assumption I feel I've been taking, but never heard it written so clearly - thank you.Your right also on the balance point. As much as alone time is appealing, it also leaves me feeling like I'm failing at "normal" life and relationships, which in turn makes me feel pretty bad about myself. I suspect that becomes a bit of a self fulfilling cycle then where I avoid people when feeling this way, but then its catch 22.