Things you did that looking back make your realise you were autistic

only recently diagnosed and everything that you say makes sense, i thought that was "normal" but never understood why i felt so different from everybody else

•  in addition adhd was blurring the lines, the constant mental chatter ( i thought that was normal and everyon had a narrator) the social anxiety,
• the masking and learning what is acceptable or not, 
• thinking " you need to smile now" when meeting people
• my inability to be diplomatic and very direct
• me nor working out the subtleties of what someone says and reading between the lines.
• needing to have very clear objectives and deadlines, a structure otherwise total paralysis ( adhd kicks in)
• fixating on previous boyfriends, hobbies, intense thirst for learning EVERYTHING about someone, something, anything
• reading at an earlier age and seeing patterns everywhere
• dislike of certain color combination
• sensory overload and meltdowns
• moodiness, depression, outburst, sensitivity made even worse in adolescence and at puberty
• zero filters (but learnt to hold back)
• operating on a 1-2-1 with friends and overwhelmed in large groups
• feeling lonely and misunderstood
• eating the same breakfast every day and drinking from the same cup  designated for tea / or coffee
• eating with specific forks and knives ( need matching too)
• doing things in a specific sequence and if not is causing me intense distress

My mum was very much the same with me. I recall being told a few times about going out and getting fresh air and I just wanted to stay in my room where I could breathe and be myself.

That's a lovely thought - if only we could send our younger selves a hug. 

That I didn't - although my family is full of autistic people. 

My focus was elsewhere. Ah. NOW it makes sense! 

And from there, all those things I always thought everyone did - but didn't actually do, or experience. 

Same, to the point where my mum got really upset one day saying 'what's wrong with my son?' I  took myself off to aimlessly play outside instead, miserable of course due to the feeling of guilt about having seemed lazy. She meant well, and was of course motivated by wanting *me* to feel motivated ( according to the classical definition - 'fresh air an exercise') but it just wasn't in my nature to seek that. 

I can think of a few.

Before I can remember: According to my mum, I could be left alone for ages as a toddler - no calling for attention, and hyper-focused on one toy or jigsaw or whatever until another was suggested. 

1980: My earliest retained memories at 2 and 3 year old respectively, both coming from telly programmes: the 16th March ep of Rentaghost and 18th Oct ep of Doctor Who. Atypically early and precise compare with the average person I think. 

Same year: Hearing 'Carillon' by Sky played on vinyl and registering that I was experiencing a new emotion (pleasantly deep melancholy) for the first time. A lightbulb moment: the right kind of 'sadness' can be nourishing to the soul, even uplifting. That nuance of understanding becoming vividly snapshotted, there and then, in my mind and heart for all time.

1981: Noticing I was experiencing my first ear-worm at 3 years old. Heartsong (the Holiday Programme theme) was still going round with perfect recall in a loop having heard it the night before. Storing the significance of that moment even though it wasn't some big external event, 'just' an 'oh, this is new' - something I suspect the average NT mind wouldn't do. 

1984: ripping up a Boss Cat comic and stuffing the resultant shreds deep into each of my ears to drown out the world after being told I couldn't wear my beloved blue anorak outside on a warm day. Having to be taken to casualty to get my ears syringed because the paper was stuffed so deep I was basically deaf and my mum could only do so much with tweezers.

The very next day: Fell off my bike, and went straight back to casualty. The resultant cast was something I kept meticulously clean, even though the established 'cool' thing to do was have classmates write stuff on it. I refused to allow that and only ended up in the entire six weeks with one tiny thing written in pencil by my mum. It was 'mark my words!' - a pun on my name. 

1986: Flipping out over the news that the Christmas tree would be in a different part of the house than the established tradition. Remaining inconsolable for hours. 

Same year: Having what I now recognise as a mini-meltdown over the overwhelm of an early Christmas present from an aunt requiring performative joy when I wasn't prepared and already feeling burned out.

1989: Faking illness after my first day of secondary school, after getting complete sensory overwhelm and extreme social anxiety. Continuing to fake it until I could no longer get away with it, re-starting too late to every regain lost ground on the comfort or friendships front (even an NT person would have struggled with catching up, but it was way worse for me).

I'm sure others will occur, those are just the ones that most immediately do.

I didn’t like going outside much. I was quite content staying in and doing my own thing. 

Looking back I see so many signs that I was autistic.

I used to stare into space, take huge interest in little things that didn't interest anyone else and then I would obsess about it and talk about it for hours later.

The biggest were my lack of eye contact, biting things like chair legs, sensitivity to light and noise, and hating different foods which my mum used to think was me being fussy.

Like many others here, noise has been a constant problem in my life. I couldn’t stand eating at the same dinner table as my family or near people at work because the chewing noise made me want to murder them. My dad always had the TV painfully loud. I wore headphones in the house to block out the noise of neighbours. The only meltdowns I’ve ever had - didn’t realise that’s that they were - were caused by noise and my inability to escape from it.

I thought I was just over sensitive or intolerant all my life but now I realise the true cause.

Another big clue was when I joined uni, made no friends and spent all my time lectures, tutorials and lunch times by myself speaking to no one. During this period I read a biography of a scientist and the introductory chapter mentioned that he had the same experience at uni and decided to sit in the refectory and observe people interacting and learn how to speak to people. I thought this was a great idea and did the same, with generally positive results for the rest of my life.

But I still had no idea I was autistic. I’d really like to send younger me a hug.

Edit: oh, and obsessive interests - my childhood was dominated by these.

Caelus said:

i think being a writer is a very common big thing.

Yes this is very common in our autistic community.

i think being a writer is a very common big thing.

as writing is communication without the weird having to speak, without the noise. without the losing what you was going to say and starting to stutter as you try to piece together the words lol im more of a writer. but i have tried to learn how to speak better by picturing what im going to say as writing in my head.... which i dunno it may have helped me a bit but id still get lost in what id say.

never fitting in, being the isolated outcast. having anxiety in social situations that in places such as the time i attempted to go to a night club the noise lights and social stimulus cause me to involuntary shake and stutter as if i was cold but not cold, as if i was spiked with drugs but hadnt been.

my lack of speaking verbally combined with perhaps a ecolalia of repeated phrases to break the awkward silences which becomes involuntary almost like tourettes, which was most obvious one in high school but yet no one gave a turd to look into it.

oh and the one time someone told me im autistic, which i took offence to at the time thinking it was a insult but only later realising it wasnt a insult but a suggestion, which again shows a lack of understanding intent and immediately defensively thinking it was a attack or put down.

Great discussion!

There have been lots of clues about me being autistic, however there are a few main ones:

•  I have been and will always be an avid observer of human interaction- I much preferred to watch people chat or play rather than engage with them.
•  I have always been a very deep and analytical thinker- often questioning the meaning of life at a young age.
• Lots of vocal stims as a child 
• Love of learning- my interests have also been revolved around collecting facts and information.
• Strengths in written communication- I have always been a very natural writer 
• Attention to detail and pattern recognition- I used to memorise car number plates as a child 

And many more….