Published on 12, July, 2020
I asked this question elsewhere else recently but I thought I’d ask here too as I’m curious.
I got into a bit of an argument with a friend recently due to a misunderstanding between ourselves. We were talking about something personal and then a couple of days later she messaged me to say that I made her feel bad because I apparently got “defensive” as we were talking.
I was really confused by this because I didn’t think I *was* being defensive (still don’t) but obviously that’s how I came across to her. Anyway, it got me wondering if this was an autistic thing and apparently it is. I read a blog post from an autistic woman saying how our facial expressions and tone of voice can be mismatched with our real feelings, so in a NT orientated world we are often misunderstood based on these things alone. It would explain why so many autistic get accused of being “rude” when they aren’t.
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
I get this a lot, mostly with my mental health team. I struggle in a big way with socialising and understanding what to say and when, and how to say it. They often think I am being defensive but most of the time I don't mean to be like that or even realise I'm being defensive. The same thing happened at school, teachers always calling me out on it.
I've spent a lot of time wondering why this happens and I'm pretty sure a lot of it is to do with my social difficulties. I've always struggled with socialising. It's something I've had to deal with all my life so far, which I have so far, but, at times I feel it gives people an incorrect view of me and they often misunderstand what I am saying which causes more issues for me and worsens my anxiety.
Yeh I often get told I am defensive. But I genuinely am defensive and sensitive often. I think it’s because I am angry about something when I get defensive.
Oh, I wasn’t really expecting an opinion on my specific situation (as you say, you weren't there). That’s water under the bridge now, but I appreciate your comment all the same. As it happens, I apologised for any upset caused and it has made me more mindful of what I’m saying.
I was just wondering about other ND people’s experiences with this sort of thing. It’s not so much about admitting wrong doing, but rather issues we face with communication.
This is the blog post I was referring to for what it’s worth. It’s a good analysis of what I was getting at.
https://autisticscienceperson.com/2021/01/09/neurotypicals-listen-to-our-words-not-our-tone/
its football init bruv loltheres a offence and a defence.if your the defence then the other person is the offence. which means they are the offensive one, and being offensive is the bad thing innit
Yes I do very often by my NT wife. It feels like I'm being attacked and the words to me are attacking words. But apparently she's just expressing her feelings. I think where I go wrong is that I should say something about her feelings rather than about me
Sorry to hear you had an argument with your friend. It really is impossible to judge as we weren't there and we don't know the nature of the argument. But in most arguments it's very rare for either party to admit they've done anything wrong, so I wouldn't really call it a mainly ASD thing. I'm more impressed by people who blow up at me and then apologise at a later date, it shows emotional intelligence and maturity.
Try to learn from it what you can and don't take it to heart, arguments happen, but the important thing is you get back on with your life and don't let it worry you. Hope you two can hang out again and have a great time.
Oh I see what you're saying. So, when someone calls you out for being defensive, it is, in fact, the offensiveness of their defensiveness that is the offensive defensive determiner of whom offended, and defended, whom. As if you offend someone, then defend the offended defender, the offensive defensiveness is related to the defensive offensiveness. Good, glad we've cleared that up!
i always get offended people calling me defensive.... but the thing is, being called defensive isnt bad.... if you are defensive that means the other person was infact the offensive one.... as to be on defence means the other side is on offence... so they was being offensive.... you see, its ok to be defensive... but if your defensive it means that they are offensive. now which is worse, being the one that is defensive or being the one that is offensive?