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Has anyone ever accused of you being “defensive” when you weren’t?

Miss Understood

I asked this question elsewhere else recently but I thought I’d ask here too as I’m curious. 

I got into a bit of an argument with a friend recently due to a misunderstanding between ourselves. We were talking about something personal and then a couple of days later she messaged me to say that I made her feel bad because I apparently got “defensive” as we were talking. 

I was really confused by this because I didn’t think I *was* being defensive (still don’t) but obviously that’s how I came across to her. Anyway, it got me wondering if this was an autistic thing and apparently it is. I read a blog post from an autistic woman saying how our facial expressions and tone of voice can be mismatched with our real feelings, so in a NT orientated world we are often misunderstood based on these things alone. It would explain why so many autistic get accused of being “rude” when they aren’t. 

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? 

  • I get this a lot, mostly with my mental health team. I struggle in a big way with socialising and understanding what to say and when, and how to say it. They often think I am being defensive but most of the time I don't mean to be like that or even realise I'm being defensive. The same thing happened at school, teachers always calling me out on it.

    I've spent a lot of time wondering why this happens and I'm pretty sure a lot of it is to do with my social difficulties. I've always struggled with socialising. It's something I've had to deal with all my life so far, which I have so far, but, at times I feel it gives people an incorrect view of me and they often misunderstand what I am saying which causes more issues for me and worsens my anxiety.

  • Yes I do very often by my NT wife. It feels like I'm being attacked and the words to me are attacking words. But apparently she's just expressing her feelings. I think where I go wrong is that I should say something about her feelings rather than about me

  • i always get offended people calling me defensive.... but the thing is, being called defensive isnt bad.... if you are defensive that means the other person was infact the offensive one.... as to be on defence means the other side is on offence... so they was being offensive.... you see, its ok to be defensive... but if your defensive it means that they are offensive. now which is worse, being the one that is defensive or being the one that is offensive?